Social situation scenario with Bf

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Social situation scenario with Bf
7
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 3:03pm

In any social situation, when a girl is with her boyfriend, how can she act secure (with other beautiful girls around) and deflect OTHER girls from coming and 'gettin friendly' (flirting?) with her guy. If it does happen, what can she say/how can she act to prevent things from goin any further? My bf attracts girls like flies through his eyes, smile, friendliness and articulate speech. (And I am a new girlfriend so I am still testin the waters with him. I trust him, but there is a part of me that knows he enjoys the girls and flirts (unconsciously?) with them) And there are always plenty of girls like that who don't care about him being with his girl.

What can I say/do/how can I act in that situation?
I know I am not very smart and confidant when it comes to such things. I'd normally just stay quiet, smile fakely, and seethe inside and stay hurt and resentful at him (and myself) for days later.

Please advise. Thanks a bunch.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 3:25pm

Hi mountainair,

This happens all the time to me... and the way I handle it always works.

When some woman comes up to us (him) when we're in a place together (party, opening, whatever), I let her do her "thing" for a few minutes and then I interject and stick out my hand and say, "Hi, I'm Sarah, and you're name is....?"

And then I say that I'm happy to make her acquaintance and that it's so nice to be here with such a wonderful man..." and some other small talk about whatever is happening at the moment. Totally take control.

This both puts her in her place and lets her know I'm in charge.

Now... if you're with a man who is determined to go behind your back, there's nothing you can do about that... some of the most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on... but doing this lets her know and lets him know that you're not a wilting lily.

It doesn't take a whole lot of effort and it only takes a few moments but it really makes the point..

After a few minutes, after you've made introductions (that is, if he hasn't first).... wrap your arm in his and tell him there's someone you'd like him to meet.... "will you please excuse us?" --- without waiting for an answer.

Then you guide him away and tell him how wonderful he is.

Works every time.

But like I said, it depends on he guy... if he's the type to cheat or be a jerk, let him be and ditch him.

And, if the woman has been too friendly, this gives her a nice message.

This is how it happens in most social circles.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 5:55pm


Thank you so much Elysium.
I have never done such a thing...really calls for some assertiveness, and I rather learn this skill than be thought of someone that could easily be walked on. Usually, I feel so uncomfortable about being somewhat of an aggressor, and I usually let things happen the way they are happening, and later feel bad about my remaining passive. I guess one does have to work on 'marking a boundary' and making ones presence felt.
I love the way you handle this.

Any more thoughts/suggestions?
Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 8:41pm
My opinion is that you shouldnt have to do anything. If your boyfriend was a really decent person he would be the one to make it clear he is there with YOU. He should not be flirting either consciously OR unconsciously with other women in front of you. That's plain rude. You should have a talk with him about his flirting behavior and how it is disrespectful to do it in front of you. If people need to flirt to feel good about themselves, fine, but it should NEVER< NEVER be done in front of a spouse or date. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2003
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 10:24pm

Hi Mountainair,

It shouldn't even get to the point where you should feel the need to do anything.

If it does, if the man you're dating persists in allowing this type of behavior from women, then I'd really reconsider dating him. I wouldn't think he's worthy if he allows some woman to fawn over him right in front of you without putting a stop to it one way or another.

This type of thing is borne of bad television movies and drama.

Basically, if you find yourself watching some woman essentially throw herself at the man you're with, take a good look at him first. If he's just uneasy and awkward about the whole thing, get rid of the woman by walking away from her.

Some people have no shame.... but sometimes there are reasons for it. Just take it as it comes. In general, most people are friendly and just want to say hello - nothing more. So be friendly back and introduce yourself and keep it brief - as it should be. Much more than that indicates ulterior motives.

Basically, just be yourself. If some guy is repeatedly doing something stupid, get rid of him. Who needs that.

Elyse

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sat, 08-13-2005 - 11:10pm
If girls are flirting with your bf and he is doing nothing to deflect the girl, then you shouldn't feel bad about being assertive. SOMEONE had to let the girl know that he's with someone and that he's unavailable and if he won't do it, then it has to be you. Of course HE should be the one to tell the girl, "this is my gf _____" But like the others say if this happens continually, and he does nothing about it, then you should rethink the relationship and see if he is enjoying being in a relationship or he'd rather be a free agent.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 3:27am

You are right there as well...I shouldn't feel the 'need' to be alert, if bf is doing 'his' job of letting other girls know that he is not up for anything hanky-panky. I think I still have not gained enough 'trust' that he can handle things firmly.

I remember the time when we were having dinner at a retaurant. This waitress who is serving us, comes along, bf gives a huge smile, she asks something, he replies(generally he is quite social once he gets the ball rolling) and somehow bf and she get into an excited conversation. This girl asks me if I can 'move over' and she sits right BESIDE me and continues talking to HIM! (I have NEVER had that happen in my entire dating history and I was quite dumbstruck) He extends his hand and says "Btw, I am _____" She introduces herself. I stay quiet. Don't say a word because I am wondering when she is going to get off so I can continue talking to my new date! I think finally she got the message, and she got off. To this day, I get angry just thinking about it. Not ONCE did he let her know that he was there 'with me' and could she please continue her work and let us enjoy our dinner together. He could have done that by just being "less" talkative and friendly. Anyway. From that day, my antennae always stands right up anytime we are in a situation with other girls. I feel so insecure.

He smiles a lot(And I am so used to having dated guys who are reserved or remain serious), and attracts people to appraoch him, ask him questions. And it looks like he loves the attention, and does not have the tact/diplomacy to turn people away. I guess he never wants to turn people away! That's the point.

I am going to have to be in some more situations with him, in order to figure it out, or just have another talk with him. We have had talks before, and he keeps saying that he is only friendly, nothing else. And he outright 'denies' ever flirting. And I don't believe him. Women wont approach a man who seems unapproachable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 08-14-2005 - 12:12pm

Women will approach a man, even if he is taken... life has changed in that way.


However, I do believe that if a man respects his woman, he will let the other gals know that he's with her... It sounds to me like your bf is an attention monger and it doesn't seem like he's looking to change that. It seems that if you're going to stay in the relationship, that he'll continue this behavior...