Some Advice Please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Some Advice Please!!
7
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 12:59am
Please, can anyone give me some feedback on a situation I have with my current boyfriend? He's a really great guy, but he has this relationship with a former lover that I feel very uncomfortable with. He dated an older woman who was an administrator at the college he attended while a nineteen year old student about fourteen years ago. He was a work study student at the time, and she was his immediate boss, so of course they kept the relationship secret from co-workers, family, and friends etc. Eventually they both moved on and started dating other people, but he continued to work for this woman for the next twelve years. Rumors abounded in this small college about the two of them having encounters in abandoned hallways etc. He of course denies that they continued to have a sexual realtionship after breaking up, but I feel he would do anything to protect this woman. He was briefly engaged to a fellow student at the college for a short period of time, and never even told her that he had had a previous relationship with his boss. He said it was because he was afraid his fiancee would tell her friends and ruin his boss' reputation, or even worse get them both fired. Well, finally this woman became engaged and moved to another college and this guy was left to look for another job after having spent twelve years and his entire professional life working for this woman. I started dating him about a year after that, and when he told me his story I just found it really suspicious. He says this woman is his "best friend" and will be a part of his life "until the day he dies." I find this all a little disconcerting. I've met this woman, and I don't like her, I am suspicious of his relationship with her, and honestly I feel as if my boyfriend has her, not my, best interests in mind. When I express my concerns he says I'm overly insecure and "obsessed" with her. Do I sound irrational, or does his relationship with this woman sound odd? Would anyone else be concerned? Does anyone think that this is enough of a reason to break up with someone? Any advice would be much appreciated!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:39am
When in doubt, listen to your gut instincts. He's told you she will be in his life forever, so believe him on that one and make your choices accordingly. If you don't want her in yours, then this probably isn't the right guy for you. Remember that you shouldn't be dwelling on whether or not she should be in his life or if what's between them is kosher or not -- the issue that YOU need to focus on is that she IS in his life and WILL BE remaining there, whether you like it or not. The issue is...can you deal with that and do you want to have to deal with that....for the rest of YOUR life. You have no power over someone else's past, or their feelings or their behaviors. Only your own. Make the wisest choices you can for yourself, knowing yourself and what you want for yourself. That's all you can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 11:53am
Thank you, and NO I don't want this woman in my life forever. I already feel as if I've given so much to this guy, and for so little in return. I know he's not the man I want to marry, or even date anymore for that matter. He just starts crying hysterically whenever I try and break up, and then I'm left feeling guilty for hurting him, and change my mind. The truth of the matter is that I'm not happy with him as my boyfriend, and honestly don't trust that he truly cares for me.

Thanks,

N

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:09pm
You know what you do pretend that your really beautiful and sexy guys like to hear that i dont know why and they like pictures for some reason,and they like it when you talk baby talk to them that'll get them coming back for more.It works!!I tried it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:37pm
If you know he's not the man for you, then you're not doing him any favors by giving in and staying with him. He's a big boy. He'll be ok once you're gone. I know sometimes that's hard to swallow but it's true. Sometimes we say we'll stay to not hurt the other person's feelings, but in reality we're staying b/c it's an ego-boost to have them beg us not to go. Think about it. Then get it over with so you can move on with your life (and he can too). Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:40pm
You mean that's what you pretend over the computer liz? Come clean with us now...you're a teenager, aren't you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:43pm
Ya and usually the next guy is going to be better beleive me it gets better.Or even possible marraige relationship it's a time to grow I know about that,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 2:48pm
Thanks everyone for responding.

The truth of the matter is that his actions lead me to believe with near certainty that he still has feelings for this woman. He's used to taking orders from her, and even though he describes her as a friend from my perspective he acts as if he is her personal lap dog. After meeting her and her then fiancee (they have now since married)I could sense that she was uncomfortable with me, and she made it clear that night that her fiancee would not be spending the night with her and would be driving back to his apartment, she then looked directly at my boyfriend. Okay, maybe not proof of anything but this was even before he had told me of their past sexual relationship, and it made me uncomfortable even then. There is also another night in particular, details I will not get into, that I am pretty sure he slept with her. As much as he may try and tell me my suspicions are unfounded,in my gut, I do suspect that they have maintained a sexual relationship even to this day. Recently my boyfriend read me a poem which he wrote about a man who feels guilty for sleeping with another man's wife, and honestly, it felt as if he were either playing head games with me, or subconciously trying to unburden his soul. I don't really care too much about him at this point, and have decided to break up with him. But I do feel sorry for him, because this woman will manipulate him until the day he dies. My boyfriend comes from a very working class family, and she comes from money so I suspect that is the reason why she could never see herself married to him and instead chooses to toy with him. At this point all the proof I need is in my heart, and it is telling me to stear very, very, far away from this guy!

Thanks everyone for your support!

N