some thoughts. Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
some thoughts. Am I crazy?
Fri, 01-17-2014 - 10:17pm

I hope my post isn't too confusing.  I don't know where to start. Well, first, can I ask if you all know when we tell children not to do something, they do it?  I mean, it makes them want to do it more, right?  Or that guys like girls who challenge them, more than girls who make themselves easily available to them?  So now, about me. I like to help people.  Honestly, I just set up my friend with a guy I met on a dating website.  

So now for the sticky part I hope to explain clearly.  I met this guy on the same dating site.  I knew he had a European name from emailing with him and we never spoke on the phone before we met.  I just assumed he was born in the USA and maybe his parents were born in Europe. So we met and he has a heavy accent.   Blah blah blah - I started dating him anyway even though all my friends were like "he needs a green card."

I just had a huge crush on him. He has the greenest eyes. So we dated and he joined my Facebook.   I did **not** like the fact that he is still good friends with his ex GF.  They shared a cat while living together and he posts pics of the cat on Facebook when he visits his ex and the cat. I broke up with him after we dated 2 months.  Then my friends were like "he's going back to her once he gets his green card" (his ex is European too).   We kind of remained friends and then became friends with benefits..... 

So now we've been on and off for 2 yrs as friends/FWB's.  I dated other guys too (of course I stopped the FWB thing).  However now, I think he's showing signs that he likes me again.  I'm also talking to a few guys from the site, but for some crazy reason I like the European guy the most because I know I will be helping him if we ever get married.  I know it sounds crazy, but it's true.  I always get lost in his eyes... they're such beautiful, green eyes....  i know I am thinking ahead for no reason but it's a fantasy.  If I had two guys who told me they loved me, I'd pick the European guy because I like to help people...  yes, I am crazy.  just had to get this off my chest (edited the last paragraph)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 10:34am

First of all, I do think if the guy was desperate to get a green card he wouldn't have waited 2 yrs of knowing you--he would have taken advantage of the fact that he knew you had a crush on him, romanced you and then married you--and then 2 yrs later after he got the permanent green card, then he would have filed for divorce.  (My law office does immigration law so I've seen that happen numerous times.)  Or he could have gone the straightforward route and admitted that he needs to stay in the country so he's looking for someone to marry him.  I'm just thinking that since he's known you for 2 yrs, if he wanted to have a relationship with you, why hasn't he?  From my experience (I'm middle aged) I've had these crushes on guys and kept hoping that it would turn into something more, but I've realized that hardly ever happens.  I think that unless one or both of you are already in relationship when you meet someone, which prevents you from dating at that time, that when you first meet is the time to get together--you've already tried dating apparently and it hasn't worked out.  And this "signs of liking you"--well if he really likes  you, he won't be subtle--he'll just come right out and ask you for a date.  You won't have to guess.

As far as wanting to "help him" get a green card, sorry but that's just dumb.  I have nothing against people marrying foreigners when they do it for love.  One of my friends is married to an Italian guy and another friend is dating a Brazilian and I bet they will get married, but you don't realize how much work it is to marry a foreigner--you have to do a ton of paperwork and it costs a lot of money for all the immigration stuff, plus you have to sign an "affidavit of support" (and you have to make a certain salary or get co-sponsors) to prove that you can support the foreign person and they won't go on public assistance.  The whole procedure is not romantic at all.  So I would say definitely don't do it unless you are getting married for the reasons you would marry a US citizen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sat, 01-18-2014 - 6:39pm

I'm confused about the green card and helping him part. So you've known him for 2 years already, does he talk about wanting to get a green card and staying in the U.S. permanently (through any method), or has he ever said he would marry someone to get a green card? Has he ever hinted or asked if you would help him with a green card? I'm just trying to figure out if that really is his motivation or just other people's opinions. Is he still close with the ex?

I agree with musiclover about the dangers of marrying someone to help them get a green card. All the things that she said, plus you really do have to live together because they will interview the couple (separately) and ask personal questions about daily living. Even if you intend to divorce after he has the green card, several years of your life will be tied up waiting. And If he does something not allowed during that period the whole process could stop and require $$ and immigration lawyer to fix. Even if he says he'll pay for all expenses, what if he doesn't? Then it becomes your big problem because you are responsible for him. Meanwhile, your opportunities for meeting Mr Right and building a future with him cannot proceed because you're stuck in limbo helping your "friend".

There are other ways to help people that don't have so many possible problems for you. Better to leave things like they are with this guy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2010
Sun, 01-19-2014 - 2:25pm

Yes, he did explain his immigration status to me but only after I broke up with him (because of his need to see his cat, or child in a sense,  and ex GF).  He offered me money to help with a down payement for a new condo if I would marry him.  He knew I wanted to move because I told him  I have rude and noisey neighbors (I have a co-op).  

Regarding my last paragraph, I meant to say,  if two guys professed they loved me at the same time and I loved both of them, I'd choose the Euorpean guy because I'd get more satisfaction knowing that I helped him with his permanent residence.  I have not thought about the legal fees... but of course this is just a fantasy.  

edited to say:  

regarding this:

And this "signs of liking you"--well if he really likes  you, he won't be subtle--he'll just come right out and ask you for a date.  You won't have to guess.

True, Good point.  If he wants to see me, he will find the time and ask me.  He works in construction and back when we were dating, he said his job is unpredictable.  They have deadlines they have to meet and sometimes work overtime and weekends...  his hours are not the same everyday. Plus, he works all over the 5 boroughs of NY.  I work in the city and if he's doing a project in Brooklyn or Queens, it doesn't pay to come all the way over to Manhattan.  Plus I get out at 5 and he works until 6.  There's no way I'm waiting arouond for 2 hrs to see him at 7.....  whatever.