sometimes i just don't understand...
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sometimes i just don't understand...
| Sat, 10-08-2005 - 9:36am |
i have been seeing a guy for 3 months. we get along very well and have alot of good times together. he had come out of a very long relationship, when we began to see each other. we both agreed to be honest and open with each other from the very beginning. i have been very patient with him as he is still dealing with the break up and left over baggage. well, i basically hit a low point last night. i had asked him if he wanted to do something and hang out and he said he didnt feel like going out on the town and instead asked if we could just relax at home. i was fine with that as i wasnt feeling like doing the social scene either. anyway, as we are on the phone he asks if he can call me back in a few minutes....one hour later he calls back and tells me he is meeting a friend from work and basically cancels our plans. i got mad. i asked him where i stood with him and how he feels about me. he has never really told me before so i just had to know. i had reached aboiling point, feeling resentful about his priorities. we argued on the phone, something i hate to do on the phone, and he blurts out that he loves me and thinks i am wonderful. then he says he needs time to be by himself???????????????????????? HUH????? I understand that he is not ready to jump back into another relationship and i have proven my patience and understanding to him the last 3 months, but i dont know what to do. I know he is depressed and the last thing i wanted to do was push him into a corner but i needed some understanding from him as to how I WAS FEELING. I was upset and i needed him to listen to me and my concerns. was i wrong? i just felt rejected and the fact that he got a sudden burst of energy to go out with friends just made me feel like crap. He didnt call me back after that converstaion and ended the phone call with, "we'll talk sunday".....i was hurt as i told him that it was not Ok with me that we talk 2 days from now while i feel this way. I told him that if he respects my feelings and does indeed care for me the way he says, then he would be here right now so we can deal with this. i guess we'll talk sunday.................

I don't think you did anything wrong, I probably would have done the same thing.
When you date Mr. Depressed you have to consider that you will always feel the need to be happygirl because you don't want to upset your boyfriend. This will take a toll on you eventually. He was inconsiderate to make plans with you and then cancel them at the last minute because his buddy had a better offering. Then he says he loves you but he needs his space.
This isn't adding up very well.
<< He was inconsiderate to make plans with you and then cancel them at the last minute because his buddy had a better offering. >>
I agree with chamey on this ... he should have stuck with his plans with you and not blown you off for his buddy. Perhaps he just needed someone to talk to and blow off some steam with ... but, he did so at the expense of your feelings. Not too considerate.
<< i have been very patient with him as he is still dealing with the break up and left over baggage. >>
Here's somethign that might help: Basically, I've adopted a "no under construction" policy from here on out. In other words, I'm not going to align with someone who's still reeling from a break-up, still has feelings for someone else, is still "searching for themeselves," is in career transition or out of work. True, everyone has some baggage (especially as we get older) ... but, it needs to be worked thru and put behind us. I'd rather have a light, carry-on than 200 lbs of check-in luggage, kwim?
Because, I know what I want and need ... and at this point, I'm only interested in someone who knows what they want and need, too. I'm not personally 'under construction' so why should I settle for someone who is? I want someone who knows who he is, knows what he wants, has goals and a balanced life ... and I'd rather not be in a relationship and "hold out" for someone who is these things ... than be "patient" and wait for someone else to "catch up." Life's too short and valuable to be "on hold."
JMHO. :)
Hi 31248,
Clearly, he DOES want to take it very slow. It was inconsiderate of him to cancel plans, but looks like, this was something he could not "make" himself cancel. Not to put any doubts in your mind, and I might be really wrong, but is his EX in the picture? Are they in touch? Are they still "getting closure"? If this is what is going on, then I would advise you to back out, because you will end up getting hurt in the process.
At this point, he is not ready to rise to your expectations. You and him are on different pages. He cannot hurry up to where you are. Can you slow down without expectations? If you cannot, you don't have to. Yes, life IS too short and valuable to be used up in the wrong place. As I said before in my earlier post, if you choose to be with him, try not to expect too much and remain on friendly levels. That is the only way, there can be some peace, and more understanding, from his side. (i.e. if he is truly interested in dating you seriously)
He needs his space and time to figure things out and looks like he is unable to handle it with the additional pressure of taking care of your feelings and needs. And the more you pressure him, the more he will go in his shell.
I am really sorry for what you are going through. I know how frustrating this is.
Hope you make the best decision.
And starbuck, I really like your no "under-construction" policy. It makes sense!! There really is a huge difference between dating someone who is healthy and stable and settled and know what they want, and the ones who are not this way. Lesser the stressors in someone's life, the more capable they are of making space for us and giving us the love we want. And being unemployed, or figuring out what one wants, or in the process of getting over a past relationship, etc. are huge stressors, even if we might not realize it. These do affect relationships in a big way.
Seriously, we all have, at a certain age, an amount of baggage and past bad experiences. None of us can help that. The point here is HOW we deal with it. It always seems that women are more ready and able to put their sad pasts behind them and be optimistic but men LOVE wallowing and moaning over some dame with whom they split a hundred years ago. IMHO they use this as an excuse for no commitment. Once you meet a guy like this only one thing to do and that is DUMP HIM and move on cos he isn't gonna change and what's more, even if he shows a bit of enthusiasm, is perfectly likely to repeat his selfish and unreliable behaviour. Good luck!