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| Tue, 11-29-2005 - 12:04am |
Okay, so I really need some help. My roomate (it's a 2 bedroom apartment) has always had a thing for me. I have done my best to not encourage him, and trying to find a balance between having fun as friends and room mates and not leading him on. I haven't dated recently, because I haven't really been interested in a relationship.
So here's the problem-
A guy that I've had my eye on has asked me out. I said yes and we're meeting for lunch to get to know each other better. I decided to test the waters with my roommate and brought the subject up to him. Needless to say, he was very upset. He told me how much he loves me and started sobbing when I told him that I didn't feel the same. I tried explaining to him that I don't have those feelings for him, and how it wouldn't work between us if we were to take things to a romantic level but he didn't get it.
I left the apartment to go for a drive and ended up talking with a friend about it. When I got home, my roommate kept trying to convince me to feel the same way about him. When I told him that I can't make myself love him that way, he stormed out of the apartment. Since he left, he's called me every ten minutes to ask me why I won't love him and what is he supposed to do now and all he wants is to be happy and he's never going to be happy again.
I really like my roommate as a friend, and it sucks that he's so hurt, but I honestly don't have the same feelings for him, and there are way too many reasons why. I can't make myself love him, but I also can't stay celibate and not date because his feelings would be hurt.
My dilemma- either give in to what he wants and try to find a way to love him, or hurt him by living my life in the way that I need to live.
Am I a bad person?

You need to do what is best for you. You should not feel bad for going out with men and trying to find love. You have been honest with your roommate, and he needs to respect your lack of interest.
But, what you really need to do is to get rid of him as a roommate. With him acting like this, you will never be able to move forward in a relationship with another man so long as you continue to live with this guy.
Hon, you're not "all that".
all that has happened is you loved his unconditional and blind faith adoration and attention. It made you very secure that he'd never not pay his share of the rent and then some, etc.
You knew he wanted "more".......and you got into this roommie situation becuase it suited your agenda nad your purposes. You didn't want what he wanted - but you knew him wanting you in that way ensured he'd do what you wanted and needed over anything else.
So you've kept his feelings at bay - by not flirting or getting overly involved once he's in as a roomie and you're in "charge".
Apparently somewhere in all this - you began to realize "I can't bring guys home with this going on - the roomie is going to freak".....so you tested out this information on the roomie telling him about this upcoming date. You didn't want him making a scene and causing you embarrassment or explanation at some point with this or some other date, and you didn't want him to "get back at you" - by ceasing ot pay and refusing to move, etc. etc. etc.
And now you see this as a dilemma - with only one of two options. You're either forced to find attractive someone you don't find attractive because he slobbers all over you as if you're God's gift to the planet and that is NOT attractive or inviting - it's just convenient............or you're going to go out on dates, and live your life and "hurt him" while he watches other guys have what he can't, and what he wants.
Well, there is ANOTHER alternative option...and it's definitely one to consider. This guy has been doing things on your pace/agenda/terms in order to "get more" and he's been informed pretty much that he can't have it. So just as surely as he was at your beck and call - it's very possible if you go out and do whatever you want with whoever you want as is your option and right, thathe's now going to "oppose" you in every conceivable way that at this point you can't envision. He'll become messy, slovenly, he'll refuse to leave when he's asked, he won't be socially acceptable or polite, and he won't pay on time. Nor will he leave permanenntly.
He'll pay you back for not giving him what he wants...in light of all he's given, tolerated, and endured to get what he wants that you won't give to him.
So before you go and create a rift and a total chaotic mess - consider switching roommates. Move in with someone else that has their own life and doesn't live vicariously thru you. That you don't control and you don't have the adoration of.......but at least you two can set rules that benefit you both - and because it benefits you both - both of you adhere without being forced or coerced.
You won't be upset if that guy brings home girls....and he won't be upset if you bring home guys.......and you can have some agreements about how often this can go on, or how long in the AM your overnight guests can stay, etc. etc. etc.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Why would you attempt to be in a relationship where the chemistry is clearly not there????
Are you a bad person? Why even ask the question?
Your roommate has issues, he is all wrapped up in a fantasy relationship with you. Your best solution is to move out and find a place to live where you won't be influenced by his inner drama and you can live your life without his influence.