sour grapes?
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 10:13pm |
I am new to the boards and I'm not sure which one to address my question to... So I'm hope everyone here could help me out or at least direct me to the correct place to post my question...Long, so please take the time and read and help me if you can.
I met this great guy last year, we hit it off right away, had lots of things in common, got along great, he has a son and I have two daughter everyone got along, other then the few petty fights between the kids, nothing serious just kid stuff. After dating for awhile he asked me to move in with him, I put my house up for sale, sold it for what was owed on it so I could get out ASAP, I moved in with him (putting most of my stuff into storage) after about 2 weeks for living together he asked me to marry him, declared his love for me in front of his best friend and his wife, really romatic and all, we had just come from one of his friends wedding so he had been drinking, but he following weekend he asked me to marry him again and gave me a ring (he was completely sober, I didn't bring up the subject of marriage with him because I wasn't sure if he remember because he was drinking, so when he asked me again, and hadn't been drinking and gave me a ring, I said "yes" )
I proudly wore the ring, it was too big but I wasn't ready to let it go for a few days to get it sized.
The following month we had a great big misunderstanding, where after I left the house (I had the ring in my jewelry box (still hadn't gotten it sized) because I was going out with my daughter and didn't want to loose it. (he was planning on going away that weekend to visit his son) after going down the street my daughter asked if we could go visit his son also (they are best buddies) I said lets go back home and ask Buddy, so when we got back to the house he was almost packed and ready to leave, and my daughter asked if we could go with him he said "no, that he was taking the motorcycle and there wasn't room for us" I told her it would be okay and we would do something special together (my other daughter was with her father) I went back to the bedroom to get my ring (my finger felt naked) and found it gone, I told my daughter to go play in her room and went out to the garage and asked him what it meant that he took the ring back, after a few minutes and talking back and forth, he said I didn't want that ring anyways, I told him I loved him and I cherished the ring I wanted it, so what did he mean, come to find out he had purchased that ring for his ex-girlfriend, but things didn't work out and he never gave her the ring (but she did pick it out) I had asked him if he wanted me to move or what, I was lost and confused about what was going on, I was sitting on the step in the garage crying my heart out and he just looked at me and said he had to go, and took off on his motorcycle, after he left I hoped and prayed he would call me and we could talk things out, I called my friend and asked he to come get my daughter so I could have a good cry and try to figure out what had just happened. He never called that weekend, I tried to call him but his cell phone was turned off. He was supposed to come home Monday, but he didn't, I check on Tuesday and he did go to work, I tried to call him, but he wouldn't answer his cell phone, so I came up with the bright idea to stay home from work on Wednesday on confront him, (he works nights and I work days) When he got home I pretended to be asleep, and he went and went to sleep in the girls room, once I figured he wasn't coming to our room, I went and asked him what was up, what was going on etc... He talked but he didn't talk... After talking to him and getting angry for him not talking I went and got dressed and went to work. I called him Wednesday night on his cell phone we talked alittle bit, but the was something he wasn't telling me, I was upset you could look at me and I'd cry (my Birthday was on Friday) I didn't know what to do I was planning on moving out, but he called me on Thursday and talked to me really opened up, telling me he felt lost and confused that after our first fight his ex-girlfrind call that night and he talked to her, and when he got back on Tuesday that he went and saw her and got his haircut and kissed her, he even admitted that after the first weekend we went away together he slept with her, he told me he didn't know what he was thinking and he knew that it was me he loved and me that he wanted to be with, he said we'd take the rings he gave me (he gave me both the engagement ring and wedding band when he asked me to marry him) and trade them in and get me my own ring. We went out and celebrated my birthday with friends and went and got him a tattoo that weekend and really made up. The following weekend went went to visit his son with my girls, and then the next weekend we went away with some friends out of town (to a place with bad memories of my ex boyfriend, he was abusive and in the end sent me to the hospital) will the bad memories haunted me and I was out of sorts, and cranky, he told me that he was not mad at me and to forget it and we'd talk about it later. My youngest daughter was out of school on Wed, Thurs and Friday and he was going to watch her for me during the day, the only problem being he had to go to his attorney's office on Thursday to custody issues with his son (he was fighting for custody) On Wednesday my father was supposed to come in to town and visit me and the girls, I told him I could get off work and we'd get together next time he had business in the area. On Wednesday I broke, I was crying when I talked to him, told him everything that I was feeling and why I was feeling things and how I did forgive him for what happened with his ex-girlfriend but it was had for me to forget. I had asked him where I stood in his live, that I wanted his ex-girlfriends ring out of my house, and he said it was just a ring, and I told him it was more than just a ring, it was a symbol of his love for her. I had to call him later that afternoon telling him my father was coming to pick up my daughter and would be there around 5pm. I didn't call him that night, I was upset and needed space and figured that if he want to talk to me he'd call me. He called me on Thursday, and told me things were over and I needed to move out that weekend. I asked he were the rings were being he gave it to me they were mine, he told me it wasn't mine since he didn't buy it for me, he bought it for someone else. It finally came out that he had asked his ex-girlfriend to marry him and gave her the rings. I had to call in sick on Friday to find a place to live, I had nothing I had sold my house, and I had been selling my furniture little by little (the week before I had sold my living room set and used the money to buy him a early anniversary gift and had given it to him and he accepted it and had put it on his bike, I had also already given him my rent my for the month) so I had nothing, no money, no funiture, I called my father and asked him to loan me the money to get an apartment, I found a one bedroom that was the only thing I could find on short notice. Him and his friends moved me out that weekend. I found out after moving he had gone through all my stuff taking whatever the thought was his. I cried after everyone left, he tried to call me the next day and I would take the call (I later found out it was to ask me if I took something, which I did, it was the apprasel on my rings, I haven't admitted that to him) after a week he called me Friday and I talked to him we talked for 5 hours and he told me he didn't ask his ex to marry him he told me he sold her the rings that the rings were bad luck and he wanted to take me out and buy me my own rings, I told hime he had to make up with the girls becasue if they couldn't forgive me then there was no use in me forgiving him, so we went out with the girls on Sunday he took us to the fair he spoiled the girls told them how sorry he was and how much he loved them and hoped they could forgive him for making such a big mistake, after dropping the girls off at their fathers we went out for dinner where he talk about us getting married, having to hire movers to move me back in since we couldn't ask our friends again... Things were fine, the following weekend I watched his son while he worked Thursday and Friday night and we celbrated my daughters' birthday and had a great time together. The on Wednesday morning almost two weeks afer he again asked me to marry him saying we'd go out and get me my own rings etc... he breaks up with me again, saying that things are confusing and he needs time and space to sort things out that alot had happened in the last two months etc... I found out two weeks later that he married his ex-girlfrind on the day after he broke up with me...
My question is everytime he broke up with me, I never broke up with him, should I have the right to the rings (yes, she is wearing the same rings he gave me and knows it)? I know from the past if the girl breaks the engagement the guy gets the ring back, and if the guy breaks the engagement the girls gets to keep the ring. The rings replacement value is over $6000.00 so this isn't little or nothing, being I put money into his house and got nothing except bills to set up a new household that money would payoff my credit cards for what I had to buy over (with what was sold and what was forgotten at his place) or should I just walk away? I more want to do this to show my daughter what he did was wrong, and to let me know that I will stand up to him becasue what he did was wrong, he not only hurt me he hurt my daughters and his son..
In the state of georgia I can take someone to civil court for up to $15000.00, should I take him to court for the value of the rings? He says the rings were never mine cause they were never purchased for me, I say it doesn't matter who you bought them for its who you gave them to, what do you think?
Thanks for you help...

What a mess! I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be such a great guy after all.
Going after the rings seems petty to me and I'm not sure it would succeed (you'd have to talk to an attorney though to be sure). The rule of etiquette you cite is just that...etiquette, not law. In many states it's considered a conditional gift and the person giving the ring is entitled to the ring back if the wedding doesn't happen, regardless of who breaks it off.
If you're going to do anything, I think a much better idea is to request that he pay you back the amount that you put into his house. Do you have proof such as cancelled checks?
Sheri
I don't think this matter is worth your time. You chose to sell your home and move in with this man without the benefit of marriage. This man subsequently broke up with you (which he could do legally) and you were the one that chose to sell your furniture to buy him a gift. Although this man sounds like a bit of a schmuck you still made all the decisions that affected your financial status.
You mentioned that you had a previous abusive relationship so, in essence, you dug yourself a parallel trench with this man. I strongly suggest some counseling for you so that you can get your feet on the ground emotionally.
Shawndala,
I am sorry you were treated so unfairly. He sounds very selfish and self-centered. From your post it sounds like this happen a very short time ago, it's still a fresh wound. Give yourself some time to get perspective, heal a bit, get your and your girls lives back on track and then decide if you want to pursue legal action to recoup some of your financial losses. Take and be good to yourself.
Toni
Wow - my sympathies are with you. You've had a tough time of it and this guy sounds a bit emotionally unstable. However, as Sheri said, your reasoning is not "law". It's just how most people think about the returning of an engagement ring. I've heard of cases where it went the woman's way, but it does seem a little beyond the point right now. Besides, he probably gave them back to the other woman and to take them back at this point will make you seem more petty than anything else.
Unfortunately, it really is just the nature of relationships. Sometimes they end badly and it's the risk we take. I agree also that you might have better luck pursuing the money you'd paid toward bills and house payments. Good luck.
Oh my God.
Start