spare me your wisdom in love...begging..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
spare me your wisdom in love...begging..
5
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:12am

Hi, everyone...

I am 23 years old, working, no boyfriend for more than a year now. I met this guy in my former office, we've been close and we have been going out for more than a year now as friends still, special friends actually... He has been very sweet, thoughtful. I have known his past girlfriends and have accepted the fact that he is a man with flaws but is not totally bad. I have accepted his imperfections. I know the tendencies of being hurt if i will fall for him. I know he could make me cry. One thing that makes me so confused is that he never attempted to court me. But he keeps on visiting me, inviting me to dates. Yes, we go out and he invited me to meet his family and my family likes him too. Well, we have always believed that the best time will come.. Inspite of his being playful and with no intentions of being serios in relationships, i still go out with him and we enjoyed our times together. I trusted him for he never ever dared to take advantage of me. He knows my being conservative and he respects me. I felt so sorry for I made him believe I could never change my impressions towards him and that he'll remain to be the playful guy I knew inspite of his efforts of showing that he has changed. Suddenly, now, he stopped calling me and stopped sending me text messages.. I felt so worried and so bad..I think Im reaching the moment I have been scared of and that is falling for him.. I cannot imagine myself going out with any other guy..It might be such a waste, building such a special friendship with him..Our families have loved us together and our friends have adored us..It is so sad..But most importantly, how am i supposed to go on without the thought of him?..Please, it's mushy and I hate it..But I have to admit to myself I'm falling for him and I have to let out my tears and cry..Please share me some pieces of your wisdom.. I badly feel now..Im scared of losing him, Im scared of thinking I have to move on and accept that we have separate lives now, as much as Im scared of living each day with the thought of wasting such wonderful moments and letting it banish with the wind.............

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 10:02am

Hon, it's like this....what was between you was "no obligation, no strings"...it was all about "I respect and admire you as a person for who you are".....there wasn't any desire to "become the man of your dreams".....you sat there and tried not to get hurt by denying that you had feelings for him...while he was enjoying what you two had together, NOT forming a future.

And you included him in your life thinking "future"..while he included you in his life in the present as it was appropriate to him.

And now...he's off to find someone to date...if you two were truly friends, that friendship will resume.....if it was all "no obligation, no strings" hanging out with you because nothing better as an option was available at the time, nothing better suited his purposes. In whic case, what you had was a one-sided friendship....and that was all it ever was.

What has really "hurt" you is your denial of what you wanted, expected, needed and were involved in on your side...nothing he did was any different than aything else in the past.

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 8:31pm

Hello acryllic,

Bellina Fair,here. I can only empathize with your being torn as to whether your
want to keep him as " best friend" or feel a love connection.I don't know if you
can delicately discuss this matter over a luncheon date,less casual than evenings.
Be subtle chat a bit,and let him know you're attracted to him as more than pals,see
how he responds,expressions,etc..Perhaps he misred what you felt earlier on,decided to
distance himself as you'd perceived him as just a "playful fellow". If he's not yet
seeing anyone else,he may tell you.Only after you let him know that you have romantic feelings,not just pals to hang out with. In regards to not carrying things further,you've done a good thing. As you have selfrespect,beliefs that you're
not into casual affairs, but a more solid love relationship,then one
will be more intimate. Just from my experience luv,as I've been hurt,giving into
physical desires without really becoming friends first. Older,wiser I take things
slow,form friendship,mutual interests,ideals,hobbies,goals,etc..then intimacy can
be more meaningful.It's quite baffling,when you're feeling love and unsure if he's
feeling this. Ask him to get together,let him know that you've felt more than friendship,be subtle.See what develops,if he cares and wants you in his life you'll
know. Best wishes,your British pal..Bellina Fair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 11-23-2004 - 9:29pm
Dear, you were friends only. You hung out and shared life at your convenience. There was no exclusivity or responsability to each other. You didn't want to pursue what you wanted and rather held back and he now went somewhere, pursuing what he wants.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Fri, 11-26-2004 - 7:43pm
acrylic,Bellina,greetings!
Hope you had a nice thanksgiving. Other posters are quite "black and white" in their
opinions re: your friend.I'm a bit more open-minded when it comes to everyone's situation
re: friendship or love is quite different,given peoples' cultures,values,lifestyles,etc..
In regards to this fellow you're smitten with,don't give up quite yet.If there's a way
to communicate,via phone,cells or mutual friends,try to connect.You need peace of mind
in order to move forward in one's romantic future.To resolve on rekindle any chance for
such affections,try to chat.If he's afraid of anything more than friendship,he'll most
probably be hesitant,not schedule an informal gathering.I've had positive results doing
so,as long as he's in agreement to meet.My man friend is a bit reserved,asked him after
our friends status,what he was feeling towards "us". It took him awhile, but said he was
also caught up in a long hr.workday,had little leisure time.Finally he called,as i gave
him space,and declared he'd felt more than friends.Still getting to know one another
on all levels,have established that we have a potential in romance.To me that's a
great relief as to we're both feeling closeness,more intimacy and mainly communications
are clearer.I wish you luck with this young fellow.Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 11-28-2004 - 5:28pm

I've read other posts and need some info from you before I give a full opinion... Did you become intimate with him? And what exactly happened? What was the last interaction before he stopped communicating with you?

My short opinion is that life is too short and that you should just let him know how you feel. At worst, you get shot down BUT at least you took a chance, unlike so many others in the world...