spying on your date..
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| Wed, 04-18-2007 - 12:12pm |
i used the internet at the house of my date to check my mail because he asked for a picture i had saved in my emails...that was 2 years ago!
all those years he told me he would like to renew our dating so i recently met him again and we started dating again.
now he reveiled to me in a jelouse attack that he had been reading my emails for the last 2 years!!! and because of that he 'knows' that i dated a guy in the time we had not seen each other!!!
I cant believe he spied on me!!!!!!!!!
all this time he had been checking my account and i was so stupid never to change my password!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(he is a very good computer programmer)
i am so hurt.
who gave him the right to steal my password and check into my emails???????????
are there legal steps i can take against him?
has any of you had a similar experience?
my trust is so broken.
i dont know how to ever trust again!
all my personal information is on there! my work, my alumni, my communication with my workcolleagues, friends, family....my whole life!
i feel like somebody broke into my house and stole something that is not his!
:(((
i did not know dating can be that dangerous!
i told him i'll take legal steps if he does not gain reason about what he did!
i changed my passwords.
and i prepared my friends and colleagues that i have a stalker.
they are not happy about it and they feel sorry for me.
but i have not done anything wrong.
hmm..somewhere deep inside me this is a violation of my rights that i can not get over that easily.
it makes me want to distrust all men.
are all men so posessive?
it seems men are either posessive or careless but there is nothing in between!
I am very, very upset,
can any of you advice me how to deal with this?
I wonder if I should even ever date again!!
best,
penelope.

The best advice I can give you is to talk to a lawyer who is familiar with the stalking and harassment laws in your state, as well as any cyber stalking laws. Also, choose a lawyer who does validate your feelings of feeling violated. I can see a lawyer easily turn the tables on you by saying you did it to yourself by not changing the password. And going to a female lawyer doesn't necessarily mean you will get empathy from her. I have had a few female doctors and I always prefer going to a male doctor (idiotic behavior and all).
I have not had your experience, but I have been spied upon for years by people who gathered information for a doctor who had an unnatural obsession with me. We never spoke, he had no idea about who I was inside or any of my thoughts or feelings to determine whether or not he would want to date me. I caught him following me in the car one day and I needed to see him drive by me so I drove the car into the shoulder of the lane and spun it around 180% to make sure I got a good look at him. He jumped up in his seat when he drove by me, realizing I caught him. He followed me to a show one night too. How sickening. I did file for a restraining order because I was also experiencing some strange property damage that occured during this time as well. I couldn't get a protective order because I could not establish "credible threat". In Florida you cannot get a protective order unless the guy slaps you around a couple of times or you are verbally threatened with your life or health by the perpertrator. I did not see this then as a waste of time, and I still do not see that it was a waste of my time because I got to put in writing, in case something happened to me, that I was in fear of my life with this person.
It was a horrible feeling because everyone in my life and his life thought that this slave trade of my life to him was a great match. NO one asked me what I wanted. This guy was rich and pretty much owns S. Florida and the people in it, including the senior citizens. I thought that when you get older you are supposed to get wiser. What happened to these nutty seniors? Money talks.
Getting sexually jealous, however, is a normal human emotion. We all feel it. It is how we manage the emotion and how we express it that separates us from losers. I have always been territorial when it comes to men. And I don't try to hide it because if a man has a problem with it, then he would realize I am not the right woman for him early on. I have learned how to express those emotions and how to manage those women who get just a little too close to my man, for their own good. I would not read a guy's mail, but....if someone left a bunch of old love letters lying around for me to peruse I would probably be tempted to read them. The same goes for email. I know this is no conciliation, but sometimes people do stupid things when they are jealous or feel threatened that way. Only you can determine whether this was one of those stupid things or that he has a mental problem and issues with control.
I don't believe anyone has any say so or legitimate basis to be jealous when there is a breakup and then time apart just throws you into someone else's arms.
You bring up a good point about extremes; possessive or careless (or couldn't give a damn and would share you with all of his friends). There is a middle ground there and I have experienced all ranges. What I find funny is that the possessive ones are the first to ogle a woman in front of us. Boy does that make me mad! My mind goes "okay, a$$hole, let's see you try this one on for size" and then I give it back to them. I want them to feel the pain that I just felt. And I make that happen so they never forget it. I am real quick when it comes to punishment because men have been trained to behave this way and women take it so I always have to deprogram.
I know I seem to go off topic, but bear with me - all of these situations have to do with jealousy and possessiveness and maybe you'll see your ex in the following scenarios. There is a way to discreetly admire the opposite sex. If I can do it, a guy can do it. There is no excuse for attempting to look like "the boss" who can do whatever he wants at your expense while you sit there like an idiot. It is a way for them to mentally beat us down, so don't buy the "just cuz I'm married doesn't mean I'm dead" routine. It has nothing to do with that, so there - Dr. Phil!!! It has everything to do with control and power and who has the "one up" in the relationship. I have been on the receiving end of those glances, stares or ogles,or whatever you want to call it and I always walk away feeling bad for the woman who was with the guy. I don't get a rise out of it because "I've been there". Now, if a guy, sitting alone checks me out, that's okay. However, if a guy makes it obvious in front of my boyfriend or husband (been married twice- both exes now) then I feel uncomfortable for the guy. So again, I don't get a rise out of it, because again, "I've been there" with women doing that in front of me. I know, I'm too empathetic for my own good and no one values that in this culture anymore.
But, in your case, you will trust again. Why did this guy feel he had to tell you this? Confessions are all about the confessor feeling good at the other's expense. What did he say when you confronted him with your anger and fear?
What can I say. Men (and women) are capable of doing some VERY strange things in the name of love and justice. And though I'm certain you have rights where e-stalking and invasion of privacy is concerned, it might be wise of you to consult with an attorney. The local police department would certainly be a good starting point.
I certainly can't blame you for questioning your trust after something like that. Your story, well, let's just say it sounded familiar. People with too much time on their hands and a bit of desperation can and do find ways of staying "on top" of things.
Hard lesson learned, but a lesson nevertheless.
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no one -this is what thieves do. Its what stalkers do - they feel 'entitled' to take what doesn't belong to them - even if its someone's privacy.
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Likely - depends on where you live but speak with the local authorities, contact your IP service and report him and change your screenname and passwords.
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not in cyberspace - but I have had my privacy violated and I have been date raped when drunk. Whether someone breaks in your home or your computer - they have illegally invaded your space - so little wonder you feel violated. You have been.
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Well no trusting will not prevent people from doing wrong against you. What it does is leave you even more open to attack because you don't see a difference in who you can trust and who you can't, why and how you can/can't trust them. What you do is develop a healthy level of skeptism - trust comes with honesty and integrity and there are LOTS fo people who display both. Learn teh difference between who does this and who doesn't. Someone's inability to be honest and integral is nothing personal towards you at all. Thus when you know who you can trust, how far and why, then you know what to do and when. There are peopel I trust on certain levels - but few I trust with the intimate details of my life.
<i feel like somebody broke into my house and stole something that is not his!>>
He did. Now - do what you can to remove yourself from his access. Change everythign you need to change and involve the proper authorities to have him charged. When people are held accountable for their actions, whether they 'thought' they waer in the wrong or not, they learn (most anyway) to not do it or similar agian.
YOu can allow this creep to continue to control you by making you afraid fo everyone and everything. That is what victimizers love - terrorizing their victims. Deal with the issue at hand and file charges, change your information and do what is necessary to prevent further privaacy invasions. Choosing to not trust anyne because of one person allows him to continue to terrorize you.
Seek counseling to help you deal with this.
Toni
"no one -this is what thieves do. Its what stalkers do - they feel 'entitled' to take what doesn't belong to them - even if its someone's privacy."
Yes, I sense my stalker(s) feel a sense of entitlement in breaking the law, when it suits them. But, guess what? They may not speed. It is okay to break and enter into my home, without my knowledge, but god forbid you speed.
thank you for your answers.
i am not sure the law of my state protects me.
i changed all my passwords.
i think he actually needs to USE the information in order to get sued.
Attaining it is not illegal and i can hardly proof it.
Other than that he admitted it to my friend who talked to him.
I have so many other things going on in my life that i am not sure i have the time and money for an action like this.
A great question is WHY he even talked to me about it.
I guess it was a kind of 'power' act for him. His ex cheated on him. And after he had paid and furnished her flat she had another man move into her house. He has never gotten over this and has become overly jelouse. It is his problem not mine.
Yes, I will trust other man.
In fact I have checked my emails at my friends house and my university, and even my boyfriends all my life and nobody ever checked on me besides him. So I guess it was a once in a lifetime experience.
My solution to the problem is to stay away from the person.
yes, i noticed an overall highly intense level of jelousy!
he did not follow me in the car (god forbit!! it would freak me out- what a scarry story).
but i have noticed this 'possesive' behaviour... he would easily talk to a woman when going out but he would 'freak' out when a guy even looks at me for too long...
i could not stand that...it was the reason for why i stopped dating him back than.
and it is the reason for why it will not work out this time again..even after 2 years..
penelope
My husband installed keystroke capture spyware on my computer almost two years ago so he could read my emails. I have not felt safe since. I feel as though he is always looking over my shoulder and nothing is sacred. It is an enormous violation and I am happy to say every person I have told about this (men included) has been shocked so it's not men - it's certain men.
As for trusting men, read up on personality disorders. The Manipulative Man is a good book, sorry I don't remember the author. A lot of books out there tell you what to look for.
Good luck. I know it's not easy.