Stabbed in the heart...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Stabbed in the heart...
29
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:34pm
Hi everyone...I've come here before and always received great advice...so I am visiting again because my heart has been stabbed and it is hurting badly. Anyway, I am in this dating world still, in my early 30's. This is a long story...I was just dating a guy (he ended it about 3 1/2 weeks ago) that I was set up from someone I know back in late July 2006. Well I wasn't too sure about him after a couple of dates, but he kept calling so I figured I'd give it more dates, and keep trying, etc. At about the 4th date something happened and I fell for him. This is when he began to (it seemed like it) to pull away. We had 2 more dates and we became intimate. I thought things were going ok, but he always seemed distant and he would cancel on me soemtimes--I didn't like that. So, we were going to go on our 7th date but he had to cancel becasue he was sick. I had called him 2 days later to see how he was feeling but low and behold he started a talk w/me that wasn't good. He claimed something was missing in the relationship if we even had one, that he didn't know what..same as g/f's he'd had in the past. He said he still wanted to talk to me and hang out just take it a step back. I told him we really have not gotten to know each other much, as we only have hung out 6 times, but if he didn't feel it--what was I going to do--blah blah blah...but he couldn't stop saying how we had such great intimate chemistry and that he was attracted to me and the works, but still something was missing. ???
Anyway, I said okay fine...don't understand but we'll see what happens...anyway he texted messaged me a few days later basically hello and that he was busy w/work, etc. I texted what I was doing, etc...So I didn't hear back from him until 2 weeks later--wishing me a Happy holiday. I returned the call and we spoke for a few mins. as he rushes off the phone almost always...I refused to call him after the conversation we had had prior, it hurt to have called him up and then springing that talk on me...so another 2 weeks goes by
and then I get another call from him...what's up how am I doing...wants to make plans to hang out...so I went w/it made plans w/him...we hung out the next weekend it was really good, we learned more of each other, etc. Then he kept calling me saying how he had a good time, etc...I would always get a little nervous on the phone w/him and stomach jitters as I liked him a lot...I guess it interferred w/me talking etc...but I would try and make good conversation...anyway we hung out again--all good. Then I got mad at him a bit because we didn't hang for New Year's and he called me not confident because I didn't mention it and didn't ask him to hang--etc...well whatever!!! I am confident as I think so. So, he called me a few days later we spoke and he said not sure what he was doing for the weekend--that he would call me during the weekend. Well that call never came, and he would always say that he would call me. So he calls me after the weekend and asks why I never call him..I said no reason and that I was busy. Anyway we made plans for that weekend, I called to say hi during that week...we hung out was a fun time--etc. Then we made plans to hang out the next weekend or so but he always had some excuse, etc. making it like he didn't want to hang out w/me even though he said he did--etc. Anyway he was going away the following weekend and so I didn't see him until he came back. But before we hung out he brought the same conversation as he did months ago...he was annoyed I didn't call him or text him while he was away --even though he said that he would call when he got back, then he got into the conversation about he thinks he knows whats missing & it's the lack of communication on the phone and that I just don't add to the conversation much and didn't know if it was just that I didn't care or if it was a lack of intelligence--(yeah right???). I was mad--I have advanced degrees I am not dumb! And yes, he insulted my intelligence or then he said it was a bad choice of words--whatever!! I told him that he always rushed me off the phone & dominated the conversation--blah blah blah..I said if you stay on the phone I will talk about lots & lots...so whatever I was annoyed and shocked because we had just had a great little conversation the day after he got back and he wanted to see me. Hot and cold he is very much!! So, I made it a pt to call him and then we hung out that weekend--had some strange talks and he kept on giving me advice that I didn't ask for...He named all the good things about me--I told him how i felt and he just kept on saying how he's known how it feels to have it all in a relationship and that he didn't want to have hesitations in one..anyway, the rest of the night was good, then he left. Of course every detail I can't write, but then he called me the next day we had a good conversation, etc, spoke to him all week--things were good...then that weekend we were supposed to hang out and he had to cancel due to being sick--huh!! Then I called him the next night and he said he'd call me back--didn't know who he was talking to, but I kinda felt like he may be talking to some other girl--didn't know for sure..so he doesn't call back for an hr and a half so I wa sin the bathroom and he left a message saying he was going to bed and that he'd call me tomorrow. I was mad and hr and a half later??? So, I called him the next night and he didn't answer...well he called me back the next night and said he was busy w/work but that he had to "talk" to me again---(dreadful)so he ramped and raved how great of a girl I was and that he just felt like something was still missing and he didn't want to hold me back from anything-etc., and that he could only be a friend to me right now and that he had to be on his own and do his own thing and yad yada...so i was upset...He also sais that if I didn't want to be friends tha twas ok too...but i said we could etc..and then he said I can call him and invite him out sometimes and maybe something will spark getting to know each other as friends. He said he would call me this week and I said he didn't have to if he didn't want to then he said he would & let's see what happens...so he said he just wanted to put an end or a pause to this & maybe take it up in the summer or something...conversation ended I was crushed. So, a week and a half later he texted me a message to say hi & that he was busy at work..we talked a bit, that was it. Well, this is where I was stabbed at this point--I texted him a message a few days ago -Hi what's up wanted to say hi...figured he'd just say hi back---oh no, it was hi been wanting to call ya & been busy at work and also now dating someone new and trying to juggle everything & how was I doing?--Oh so now I want to fall down--I should have never reached out to say hello. Big mistake--I don't know why I did it!!! I figured if he was seeing others but he would have the decency to not tell me that--right!! No...he stabbed me in the heart!! Who does that 3 weeks after you break someones heart? So, I sent a message back to him just saying I was good and doing the same things as him...he wrote back that that was good to hear...My question is who the heck does that 3 weeks after breaking up whatever we had together???? That was soooo rude & mean, I could scream!!!I have never done anything to hurt him ever! I was so close to telling him off on text but my friend said not too because it makes me look desparate & that I really care. Any advice??...I am just sooo upset! I want to tell the person who set us up everything as she knows most of it already...what should I do...I know I have to move on but just havent met anyone else yet...I really liked him and now I feel hatred toward him for this dig...Thanks for reading and helping me out! It's much appreciated!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 8:41am

thank you too- ur words and support help me a lot to move on. even though day to day im good and happy, at times, like u say, troubling thoughts pass thru my mind and i need the words of reassurance...

so strange - why we get so attached to them? before they realise that they are IN the relationship we proudly call them boyfriend and start to build our life, our plans, dreams, hopes around this very person...

these past months, especially after a long chat with my a good friend (she lost her best friend 8 years ago -the girl killed herself after her break up) i got a new habit- often i observe people and think "no one is perfect, no one is truly that special. no one TRULY deserves life sacrifised." Its love that makes us see the deep down of the person, his world and this vision, sadly often not realistic, clouds the mind and hurts us when we lose it. We stop seeing them as everyone else does: their pluses to us outweight their negative traits. and even something deep down tells us "hey, this is no good", we shut down that voice and reassure ourselves that this is what love is - accepting the person as he is. i agree with this statement - but as long as the other person does the same thing...if he loves me deeply no matter what and holds on to me.

"only fool would give u up" heard i once from a guyfriend... I should really stop falling in love with fools then...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:11pm
"This one was really hard because he just...I guess.. got to me ." Ahhh, the one that "gets to you." Hard to find, I know. You'll almost do anything not to lose it. Now it clear why you want to make it work so bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-12-2007 - 1:21pm

"so strange - why we get so attached to them? before they realise that they are IN the relationship we proudly call them boyfriend and start to build our life, our plans, dreams, hopes around this very person..."

You hit upon a very important point picky2002. When we fall, we fall hard and our lives, plans, dreams and hopes center around this person. It is not just about the guy. When my first marriage ended in divorce, it wasn't just my husband leaving me for another woman. My whole world caved in. All of a sudden you are not included in social groups that were a weekly part of your life, your vacations change, your friends change, your income changes and all of the goodies go bye-bye. So when long term couples break up, it is a huge blow to the heart. It took me a long time to get over the pain of how that marriage broke up, because I was discarded so easily, like the previous 10 years never existed; all of the hard work, the pain, the love, the good times, the plans, the extended family members. When I married him, it was for all times. I guess for him it was different. I guess I really didn't know him like I thought I did. It just blew my mind at how I was discarded and that was very hard for me to accept because I know I deserve better. I never put up a fight over my ex. I knew it was for the best, even if it hurt.

When women fall apart over a 3 month romance, I tend to not understand the drama around it because how could a person have the same invested as I did in my almost 10 year relationship? Unless, I think, someone has a bunch of years stored up in her mind that she has been waiting to unload upon a guy that seems like a good catch. That is where the danger lies. The perceived loss is not congruent with the actual loss. And that is when someone may kill herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 4:48am

uuuuuuuufff - u r right SOOO right. drama over 3 months relationship is completely silly and can not even be compared to the break ups people go thru. in my head i completely agree. in my heart - i generally think that drama over anything leads to no good, whats done is done, oh well - BUT its easy to say than to do huh. i remember i had a friend who cried for one month over a week-long relationship. at the time i couldnt shake it off her "come on, get a grip - forget him and move on".

why im still thinking of my ex? maybe coz finally i felt ready to really BE with someone (me - ex-committment freak..) and he felt 2b a perfect choice. maybe coz i fell in love with him on the boat cruising paris on the wedding of our friends (like in movies lol - he approached me and offered his jacket since i was cold). lots of maybes in my head. but u r right to say in ur previous posts that prince charming is our fantasy. so it was all in my head. and if after ur 10 yrs u felt u didnt truly know ur ex, i surely didnt know mine after 3 months...people are different when they are in love - nicer, sweeter, funnier, cuter - and we want to believe that this IS the true him or her. sadly its often not...

Im starting to think that the best approach to life is "i'll do my best to get and keep it (the man, the job, the best house in neighborhood, etc.) but if it does work - i will shrug my shoulders and look elsewhere". now the trick is to learn how to do it :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 11:49am

That's right picky2002, you can only do your best and then, if that is not good enough, time to move on.

"people are different when they are in love - nicer, sweeter, funnier, cuter - and we want to believe that this IS the true him or her. sadly its often not..." - So true. Everyone puts their best foot forward initially. So it always freaks me out when guys are so arrogant and obnoxious and pushy and selfish UP FRONT! If this is your best foot forward, I'd hate to be around in a year.

Also, when guys whisper sweet nothings in your ear during this time (the initial phase) sometimes they actually believe those whispers (so they say). Gee, what I don't understand is how it can change so drastically after they firmly believed in them just a month prior. Hmmmm, my sense is that either GUYS ARE GETTING MORE FICKLE (like how women used to be) or those whispers are full of hot air.

Romance on a wedding cruise, ohhh, so romantic. I can see why you got so affected by him. How could you not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Fri, 04-13-2007 - 3:17pm

Hi picky2002 & snafu2006...great points you both have!!! Yes, it is silly
to cry over a short term relationship...but it is so hard when you actually
fall for them, I think that's what gets to us the most.
In my case it was the perfect setup, the perfect everything
(as it seemed) so it made me fall even more because it seemed sooo right and
meant to be even, just as you did picky2002. Where is the last one before him I really didn't shed many tears for as I was not so impressed w/him...and it wasn't so great, etc.

Wow, can't believe that of your 10 yr marriage, snafu2006-
can't even imagine how that could feel. You are stronger than you know!
I give you credit. You deserve a metal for what you have endured. So sorry about that.
But, it's so true how you really don't know a man at all sometimes even
after many years. This does not even compare to yours--but I had a 3 yr. serious relationship end about 4 1/2 - 5 yrs ago to a guy I came close to marrying and it ended in him cheating on me w/one oh his co-workers and leaving me for her...gosh that was so bad. I never knew him at all either, I never thought he would ever pull that!!!so I can't even imagine what a 10 yr marriage to end in that would be like. Gosh--you were married and took vows for petes sake!! What a jerk.
It sure is really amazing though when you think back to the early days of any relationships we've had and see they were so much nicer and considerate than compared to the end. Gosh it's like night and day. How they change over time-unbelievable!!!!
Geeze, I agree--sounds like that Paris cruise wedding was so romantic--I see why
it's hard to let go picky2002.
Well, Hang in there strong!!!! Yes, you're right, we can only do our best & go on!! Nothing is worth ruining our own selves and lives for any man or anything for that matter!! Something I did learn a long time ago, but get sideswipped from time to time!!!!
And in my case it is the whole family expectations thing to find someone great , get married and have kids and have it last forever! That's something that my parents do have that I'd love to have one day. So, I get so much pressure from them. It's almost like a "rites of passage" kind of thing. (Hope I am saying that right)
You have to accomplish it or you're no good. Not sure how it is in your families but it's definetly like that in mine as I am from the old school, old fashioned family. It's hard! But I am doing my best!!! :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 3:40pm

lol i hear u marveloustobe!! my parents also hint heavily that its time for me to find my man and settle down. i'm so reluctant to give them ANY news on my friends who are all married and have babies or expecting. coz every time it ends with: **sign** "well one day i hope we will have grandchildren too. its best to have kids before u r 30..look how they are happy together in their marriage..bla bla.." i DREAD those conversations!! no wonder i moved cities :)although i love them both dearly and admire that they stayed together thru 28 long years

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 5:52pm

Whether the relationship is 3, 4 or 5 years old or even 10 years old, catching someone cheating hurts and it hurts bad. When it feels right and you are hooked you dont see the danger signals flashing off in the distance sometimes because you don't doubt your mate or your love.

It is incredible how people can change on you. It makes you question whether you can trust your heart and soul in anyone's hands again. I mean, even if the next guy is great, you know in the end there is hurt, even if he didn't plan for that to happen. It is just a matter of recouperating a while so that you can get back into another relationship and be better able to deal with any hurt, should it happen.

I once knew someone
who referred to love and life like this: I can go down the road once and find out that the bridge is out on the other side. I can go down the road again, and find out again that the bridge is out on the other side. How many times do I have to go down the road, when I know the bridge is out on the other side? I don't. In the end I don't go down the road because I know the bridge is out on the other side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 9:22am
Hi! How are you all doing? I ran into a bit of a setback..HUH!!! Annoying!!!!It made me a little frazzled. I'll write about it later when I get home from work. HUH!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 6:03pm
Hi all...
This is what happened...well the person (I'll call her Stephanie) I know mutually that of course is related to the guy I was dating
tells me that she spoke to him due to a death in the family...and if I remembered
him talking about this person. I rememebered, although I have never met the person.
But Stephanie has been in a fight w/the family for a few months now and she was practically done w/them. But now she's talking to them and she didn't say he mentioned me and I'm sure he told her what was going on w/himself, blah blah blah if that was talked about--I don't know...I never asked her how he was and what they spoke of--etc.. Reason being "self protection" of getting hurt. SHe didn't say he asked for me, so I never asked about him or how's he doing. I will say "tell him sorry for the loss for me" but I guess that's it. I can't bare the hurt, I don't want to know. Just made me frazzled earlier. What should I do, or should not do? I just recently had a relative pass on too a couple weeks ago. My heart can't take any kind of hurt, as I liked him....huh!!!! I still haven't found anyone new yet, it makes it even worse....
Thanks for listening.