Stabbed in the heart...
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Stabbed in the heart...
| Mon, 03-19-2007 - 6:34pm |
Hi everyone...I've come here before and always received great advice...so I am visiting again because my heart has been stabbed and it is hurting badly. Anyway, I am in this dating world still, in my early 30's. This is a long story...I was just dating a guy (he ended it about 3 1/2 weeks ago) that I was set up from someone I know back in late July 2006. Well I wasn't too sure about him after a couple of dates, but he kept calling so I figured I'd give it more dates, and keep trying, etc. At about the 4th date something happened and I fell for him. This is when he began to (it seemed like it) to pull away. We had 2 more dates and we became intimate. I thought things were going ok, but he always seemed distant and he would cancel on me soemtimes--I didn't like that. So, we were going to go on our 7th date but he had to cancel becasue he was sick. I had called him 2 days later to see how he was feeling but low and behold he started a talk w/me that wasn't good. He claimed something was missing in the relationship if we even had one, that he didn't know what..same as g/f's he'd had in the past. He said he still wanted to talk to me and hang out just take it a step back. I told him we really have not gotten to know each other much, as we only have hung out 6 times, but if he didn't feel it--what was I going to do--blah blah blah...but he couldn't stop saying how we had such great intimate chemistry and that he was attracted to me and the works, but still something was missing. ???
Anyway, I said okay fine...don't understand but we'll see what happens...anyway he texted messaged me a few days later basically hello and that he was busy w/work, etc. I texted what I was doing, etc...So I didn't hear back from him until 2 weeks later--wishing me a Happy holiday. I returned the call and we spoke for a few mins. as he rushes off the phone almost always...I refused to call him after the conversation we had had prior, it hurt to have called him up and then springing that talk on me...so another 2 weeks goes by
and then I get another call from him...what's up how am I doing...wants to make plans to hang out...so I went w/it made plans w/him...we hung out the next weekend it was really good, we learned more of each other, etc. Then he kept calling me saying how he had a good time, etc...I would always get a little nervous on the phone w/him and stomach jitters as I liked him a lot...I guess it interferred w/me talking etc...but I would try and make good conversation...anyway we hung out again--all good. Then I got mad at him a bit because we didn't hang for New Year's and he called me not confident because I didn't mention it and didn't ask him to hang--etc...well whatever!!! I am confident as I think so. So, he called me a few days later we spoke and he said not sure what he was doing for the weekend--that he would call me during the weekend. Well that call never came, and he would always say that he would call me. So he calls me after the weekend and asks why I never call him..I said no reason and that I was busy. Anyway we made plans for that weekend, I called to say hi during that week...we hung out was a fun time--etc. Then we made plans to hang out the next weekend or so but he always had some excuse, etc. making it like he didn't want to hang out w/me even though he said he did--etc. Anyway he was going away the following weekend and so I didn't see him until he came back. But before we hung out he brought the same conversation as he did months ago...he was annoyed I didn't call him or text him while he was away --even though he said that he would call when he got back, then he got into the conversation about he thinks he knows whats missing & it's the lack of communication on the phone and that I just don't add to the conversation much and didn't know if it was just that I didn't care or if it was a lack of intelligence--(yeah right???). I was mad--I have advanced degrees I am not dumb! And yes, he insulted my intelligence or then he said it was a bad choice of words--whatever!! I told him that he always rushed me off the phone & dominated the conversation--blah blah blah..I said if you stay on the phone I will talk about lots & lots...so whatever I was annoyed and shocked because we had just had a great little conversation the day after he got back and he wanted to see me. Hot and cold he is very much!! So, I made it a pt to call him and then we hung out that weekend--had some strange talks and he kept on giving me advice that I didn't ask for...He named all the good things about me--I told him how i felt and he just kept on saying how he's known how it feels to have it all in a relationship and that he didn't want to have hesitations in one..anyway, the rest of the night was good, then he left. Of course every detail I can't write, but then he called me the next day we had a good conversation, etc, spoke to him all week--things were good...then that weekend we were supposed to hang out and he had to cancel due to being sick--huh!! Then I called him the next night and he said he'd call me back--didn't know who he was talking to, but I kinda felt like he may be talking to some other girl--didn't know for sure..so he doesn't call back for an hr and a half so I wa sin the bathroom and he left a message saying he was going to bed and that he'd call me tomorrow. I was mad and hr and a half later??? So, I called him the next night and he didn't answer...well he called me back the next night and said he was busy w/work but that he had to "talk" to me again---(dreadful)so he ramped and raved how great of a girl I was and that he just felt like something was still missing and he didn't want to hold me back from anything-etc., and that he could only be a friend to me right now and that he had to be on his own and do his own thing and yad yada...so i was upset...He also sais that if I didn't want to be friends tha twas ok too...but i said we could etc..and then he said I can call him and invite him out sometimes and maybe something will spark getting to know each other as friends. He said he would call me this week and I said he didn't have to if he didn't want to then he said he would & let's see what happens...so he said he just wanted to put an end or a pause to this & maybe take it up in the summer or something...conversation ended I was crushed. So, a week and a half later he texted me a message to say hi & that he was busy at work..we talked a bit, that was it. Well, this is where I was stabbed at this point--I texted him a message a few days ago -Hi what's up wanted to say hi...figured he'd just say hi back---oh no, it was hi been wanting to call ya & been busy at work and also now dating someone new and trying to juggle everything & how was I doing?--Oh so now I want to fall down--I should have never reached out to say hello. Big mistake--I don't know why I did it!!! I figured if he was seeing others but he would have the decency to not tell me that--right!! No...he stabbed me in the heart!! Who does that 3 weeks after you break someones heart? So, I sent a message back to him just saying I was good and doing the same things as him...he wrote back that that was good to hear...My question is who the heck does that 3 weeks after breaking up whatever we had together???? That was soooo rude & mean, I could scream!!!I have never done anything to hurt him ever! I was so close to telling him off on text but my friend said not too because it makes me look desparate & that I really care. Any advice??...I am just sooo upset! I want to tell the person who set us up everything as she knows most of it already...what should I do...I know I have to move on but just havent met anyone else yet...I really liked him and now I feel hatred toward him for this dig...Thanks for reading and helping me out! It's much appreciated!
Anyway, I said okay fine...don't understand but we'll see what happens...anyway he texted messaged me a few days later basically hello and that he was busy w/work, etc. I texted what I was doing, etc...So I didn't hear back from him until 2 weeks later--wishing me a Happy holiday. I returned the call and we spoke for a few mins. as he rushes off the phone almost always...I refused to call him after the conversation we had had prior, it hurt to have called him up and then springing that talk on me...so another 2 weeks goes by
and then I get another call from him...what's up how am I doing...wants to make plans to hang out...so I went w/it made plans w/him...we hung out the next weekend it was really good, we learned more of each other, etc. Then he kept calling me saying how he had a good time, etc...I would always get a little nervous on the phone w/him and stomach jitters as I liked him a lot...I guess it interferred w/me talking etc...but I would try and make good conversation...anyway we hung out again--all good. Then I got mad at him a bit because we didn't hang for New Year's and he called me not confident because I didn't mention it and didn't ask him to hang--etc...well whatever!!! I am confident as I think so. So, he called me a few days later we spoke and he said not sure what he was doing for the weekend--that he would call me during the weekend. Well that call never came, and he would always say that he would call me. So he calls me after the weekend and asks why I never call him..I said no reason and that I was busy. Anyway we made plans for that weekend, I called to say hi during that week...we hung out was a fun time--etc. Then we made plans to hang out the next weekend or so but he always had some excuse, etc. making it like he didn't want to hang out w/me even though he said he did--etc. Anyway he was going away the following weekend and so I didn't see him until he came back. But before we hung out he brought the same conversation as he did months ago...he was annoyed I didn't call him or text him while he was away --even though he said that he would call when he got back, then he got into the conversation about he thinks he knows whats missing & it's the lack of communication on the phone and that I just don't add to the conversation much and didn't know if it was just that I didn't care or if it was a lack of intelligence--(yeah right???). I was mad--I have advanced degrees I am not dumb! And yes, he insulted my intelligence or then he said it was a bad choice of words--whatever!! I told him that he always rushed me off the phone & dominated the conversation--blah blah blah..I said if you stay on the phone I will talk about lots & lots...so whatever I was annoyed and shocked because we had just had a great little conversation the day after he got back and he wanted to see me. Hot and cold he is very much!! So, I made it a pt to call him and then we hung out that weekend--had some strange talks and he kept on giving me advice that I didn't ask for...He named all the good things about me--I told him how i felt and he just kept on saying how he's known how it feels to have it all in a relationship and that he didn't want to have hesitations in one..anyway, the rest of the night was good, then he left. Of course every detail I can't write, but then he called me the next day we had a good conversation, etc, spoke to him all week--things were good...then that weekend we were supposed to hang out and he had to cancel due to being sick--huh!! Then I called him the next night and he said he'd call me back--didn't know who he was talking to, but I kinda felt like he may be talking to some other girl--didn't know for sure..so he doesn't call back for an hr and a half so I wa sin the bathroom and he left a message saying he was going to bed and that he'd call me tomorrow. I was mad and hr and a half later??? So, I called him the next night and he didn't answer...well he called me back the next night and said he was busy w/work but that he had to "talk" to me again---(dreadful)so he ramped and raved how great of a girl I was and that he just felt like something was still missing and he didn't want to hold me back from anything-etc., and that he could only be a friend to me right now and that he had to be on his own and do his own thing and yad yada...so i was upset...He also sais that if I didn't want to be friends tha twas ok too...but i said we could etc..and then he said I can call him and invite him out sometimes and maybe something will spark getting to know each other as friends. He said he would call me this week and I said he didn't have to if he didn't want to then he said he would & let's see what happens...so he said he just wanted to put an end or a pause to this & maybe take it up in the summer or something...conversation ended I was crushed. So, a week and a half later he texted me a message to say hi & that he was busy at work..we talked a bit, that was it. Well, this is where I was stabbed at this point--I texted him a message a few days ago -Hi what's up wanted to say hi...figured he'd just say hi back---oh no, it was hi been wanting to call ya & been busy at work and also now dating someone new and trying to juggle everything & how was I doing?--Oh so now I want to fall down--I should have never reached out to say hello. Big mistake--I don't know why I did it!!! I figured if he was seeing others but he would have the decency to not tell me that--right!! No...he stabbed me in the heart!! Who does that 3 weeks after you break someones heart? So, I sent a message back to him just saying I was good and doing the same things as him...he wrote back that that was good to hear...My question is who the heck does that 3 weeks after breaking up whatever we had together???? That was soooo rude & mean, I could scream!!!I have never done anything to hurt him ever! I was so close to telling him off on text but my friend said not too because it makes me look desparate & that I really care. Any advice??...I am just sooo upset! I want to tell the person who set us up everything as she knows most of it already...what should I do...I know I have to move on but just havent met anyone else yet...I really liked him and now I feel hatred toward him for this dig...Thanks for reading and helping me out! It's much appreciated!

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I don't know what I want to do, so I will probably not do anything. Just tell
Stephanie to tell him hello and that I am sorry for his loss, that's it-I can't really do anything else. Is that good? I did ask her today how he was holding up...she just said he has his moments and then we were interruped by someone that came in the room.
Oh no, I don't think I can get the guts up to
call him...he obviously doesn't want to talk to
me & does not want me in his life as I have not
heard from him in months, and he broke things
off between us, not me, so I won't do that. I'd look like a desparate
fool probably anyway! It will also probably hurt me too if I hear things I don't want to know, ya know...very hard to deal w/that.
Yes, I'm sure I'd probably stop thinking about him if I found someone new, but I just
can't get him out of my head, don't know why...huh--sucks.
You're right it's normal. I'll be okay
I'm sure. I just can't wait for the day when I very happy w/
someone again. I know I may sound weak, for some reason I just can't
help it. It does help just talking to you and others on this board to
get opinions and advice without the judgement. Thanks so much again.
You are more of a help then you know!!!! :o)
You are welcome. With breakups, it can take a long time to stop thinking about them or the pain associated with them. And after a while, even your best friends would like to stop talking about your ex, so it is nice to have an outlet like this.
"It will also probably hurt me too if I hear things I don't want to know, ya know...very hard to deal w/that." --- yes, definitely so. Sometimes it is easier to move on when you know nothing.
"Just tell Stephanie to tell him hello and that I am sorry for his loss, that's it." If you feel that it is appropriate because you are friendly with Stephanie, then that's good. Do you think that Stephanie told you about this because maybe she wanted to see if you still cared about him?
"and he broke things off between us, not me, so I won't do that." -- that sounds right to me. I personally take that as a cue to exit and not resurface.
"but I just can't get him out of my head, don't know why...huh--sucks." --- I agree it sucks when you think about someone all the time, but you know you can't be together. Maybe you were really falling for him and then it sucks more. I know what you are going through right now.
"I know I may sound weak, for some reason I just can't help it." -- you are not weak, you just have feelings, like a human should. What do you think would really help you to break from this rut, besides another guy?
That's a great point though--I really don't know if she told me this to see if I still cared about him. I did say that it was so sad and asked about how he was holding up. Does that show I care? I am kinda scared of saying anything else...this is a time where I really don't know what to do so I just leave it simple. I guess I didnt want her to know I am so hurt over it. She does know that I wished it would have worked out w/us. I guess I really was falling for him--this proves it.
She knows, I would think, that I do care about him, because I wanted to be w/him. She asked me a few weeks ago if I had heard from him--I said no. But that's before she had spoken to him. I just feel I can't get into the nitty gritty w/her about him because I am soooo scared of getting hurt. I'll say to her tomorrow what I told you I'd
say...that's all I can really do here. I never expected to hear news like this.
Good question---I really don't know what I can do to break from this rut besides meeting a new guy. I guess time and keeping busy w/other things that I do. It just is always on my mind.
Whooaa....never thought this stuff would be so hard to deal with, but it is as you very much know as well. What would you do if you were me? Especially if you saw Stephanie practically every day? I feel like this is the best I can do. Thanks again!! :o)
The reason it takes so long to get over a love loss is because your heart and mind are not in sync. Your mind understands that it is over and you perform the acts associated with a break up, like not calling anymore, putting his pictures away, etc. But your heart still says "what are we doing together Saturday night?". Eventually your pain fades to a point where you can manage getting through the days without shedding tears and then...one day you smile (a real smile) and then eventually your world becomes filled with happier times again.
"I did say that it was so sad and asked about how he was holding up. Does that show I care?" - yes, I would say that it shows that you don't have any hatred and you still care about him as a human being.
"I guess I didnt want her to know I am so hurt over it." - one day you'll be able to talk about it without hurting. Right now you are hurting and that would be evident to anyone discussing this with you, so I can understand you not wanting her to see this.
I didn't know you see this woman every day, sigh. Seeing Stephanie everyday is difficult so you can set some ground rules to not really discuss the guy if it bothers you. I can understand why people don't discuss the nitty gritty of pain involving break ups with people , because, let's face it, some people feed off of others' misery.
"She does know that I wished it would have worked out w/us." - yes, but is that the same as her knowing that you would have given it another shot to work things out? The reason I say "it" instead of "him" is because she has to know it is not all about him, eventhough for you, it is "him".
"Whooaa....never thought this stuff would be so hard to deal with." -- It can be god awful to deal with, never mind hard. Other times I've been elated.
"What would you do if you were me?" -- well, it depends on whether you want to reconcile with this guy. I generally don't reconcile with people who have pulled stunts on me like disappearing or playing games with me or just don't treat me right. Lets' face it, if they didn't value me in the beginning (which is when everything is usually good) then they won't later (when you start to take your SO for granted).
Everyone makes mistakes however, and that is not what I am talking about. I don't remember the exact reason why he broke up with you. But sometimes people have regrets. What was his reason for breaking up with you? If the reason is nonoffensive to you and you think that he jumped the gun and you still want him in your life you can make sure that Stephanie relays alot of great things about you to this guy. Sometimes when people find out others are doing okay post break up it kind of makes them want the other person more...don't ask me why, because I don't subscribe to that philosophy.
And then, sometimes, you've done all you can do and you are still alone. Then you just wait for your heart to heal before entering into the dating scene again.
I have done some nutty stuff in my life in order to make sure that a guy understands that I like him or want to date him. Now, at the time I didn't realize it was nutty - I was just acting off of my feelings. I have lucked out with being perceived as "quirky", "different", "interesting", "bold"...never psycho or anything horrible like that. So, what I am trying to say, is that if your heart screams out for him and you think that you can forgive him and understand why he did to you what he did to you, then you might want to consider reconnecting with him, minus Stephanie too. I know I gave alot of options but when it comes to matters of the heart, sometimes rational thinking doesn't make you happy. I tried recently to contact someone who I don't even know personally because something inside of me said to do so. I have never done anything like that before - that was not included in the previous nutty stuff, but it is now. I didn't luck out this time but I don't regret it. And like you, I really don't see anyone else out there who I want to be with. I'm in no hurry because my life circumstances suck right now, so I get to think about someone who I can't be with, like you. but I don't give up the notion that one day I could meet someone special.
Hi..sorry didn't write back sooner...I was really thinking about all
you said. You have such great points and put things in perspective
very well. If you are not a psychologist already, you should be! :o)
Anyway, maybe Stephanie doesn't know I'd try & give it another
shot w/him, never thought about that, so I don't know.???
But I can not chase around him or anyone. I would like her
to know,geeze my heart is screaming one thing & my head
another--it's so funny how that does that, you're
right--just not insync w/each other sometimes
with breakups.
You are definetly right also about not wanting
to be w/someone that had treated you badly & played
games and that didn't appreciate you in the beginning when
it's supposed to be the best! I think about that every day.
I really don't want crap from a guy either.
I work w/Stepanie, so I see her a lot. It makes it real hard sometimes.
She (I'm sure), will tell him good things about me, she really
likes me I am sure of that. The reason he broke up w/me is because
he just thought something wasn't there, but he did say a lot was there
(but a part was not there & he wanted it all and have no
hesitate feeling in the realtionship)...what ever that means. I think he
didn't give it much of a chance, to be honest. There was some great things there, I know it!! Maybe he'll realize what he threw away? I don't know? But I really got soooo pised when he a few weeks later after he broke up what we had going on,
left me a message that he was dating someone new--it was only a few weeks later...(this was about a couple months ago.)
I was pissed off!!! I didn't ask about his new love life!! Ya know!!! There was no reason to blurt that out to me other than to hurt me & get rid of me from his life and that would probably sure do the trick, (as he probably thought!!) Sorry I'm going on and on...but i think if he came around again, i could forgive him and try again and forgive the things he has done one last time...maybe it would be better now? He'd have to show he wanted to be with me. But it would have to be him coming to me and
him realizing he would want to try again, I can't just reach out to him though and try to reconnect w/him...something has to put us together, if it's meant to be, ya know?
I guess I'm too proud to do that. Something would have to click in his head about me, maybe after he has dated around and seen what's out there...I don't know though.
Anyway, I didn't get to say the things I wanted to say to Stepanie yet-I didn't see much of her to do so, but i will try to do that soon.
It's funny, thru all this I am really finding out a lot about myself that I may not have known, especially w/emotions and the feelings that I feel. It's very powerful!
I love this statement of yours--"I don't give up the notion that one day I could meet someone special."--This statement of yours, I feel the exact same way--I really truly do! And you and I both will!!! :O) Have to believe that!!!
Thanks a bunch again for all your help, I will continue to think about all you said and take the next steps I need to take in my life... =0)
"The reason he broke up w/me is because
he just thought something wasn't there, but he did say a lot was there
(but a part was not there & he wanted it all and have no
hesitate feeling in the realtionship)...what ever that means. I think he
didn't give it much of a chance, to be honest." - maybe you are right, he didn't give it much of a chance. Sometimes we enter into relationships with other garbage in our heads and don't see things the way we would have if our minds were clear. Maybe he is expecting something that will not happen. Some people have a crazy thought about what love is and how soon they should feel it, etc.
"But I really got soooo pised when he a few weeks later after he broke up what we had going on,
left me a message that he was dating someone new--it was only a few weeks later...(this was about a couple months ago.)" --- that was very hurtful and very cold on his part. Shame on him. I wonder what prompted that unprovoked attack?
"If you are not a psychologist already, you should be!" -- thanks for the compliment. I used to volunteer at a center for group counseling - free for people who needed it. All I did was take a facilitator's training course. But eventually I left because the licensed counselor was keeping people in the group who really needed medication and a more one-on-one focus, as they were dominating the group ,and the folks who just needed someone to talk to were too busy taking care of the more troubled people. Plus, the facilitators couldnt really reveal who they were to the group - which was b.s. and I didn't like the feeling.
"but i think if he came around again, i could forgive him and try again and forgive the things he has done one last time...maybe it would be better now? He'd have to show he wanted to be with me. But it would have to be him coming to me and
him realizing he would want to try again, I can't just reach out to him though and try to reconnect w/him...something has to put us together, if it's meant to be, ya know?" -- I agree with you that he needs to make the effort if you two are to reconcile.
"I guess I'm too proud to do that." --- no, I don't see pride getting in your way. He made a decision that you didn't "do it" for him the way he wanted it to be done for him. If Stephanie ever asks you if you would ever think about giving the guy a second chance, then that is your opportunity to say, "yeah, but he needs to make the effort and he would have to demonstrate that he really wants me in his life." You can also mention that he did some hurtful things and that you werent impressed with how he left everything between the two of you. there is no shame in admitting that you would possibly forgive him and reconile. I personally would have a difficult time with it, only because if after dating me for a while he didn't feel anything special for me...my thoughts are that he never will. I'm sure there are couples out there who can prove that wrong, but that is how I run my life.
"It's funny, thru all this I am really finding out a lot about myself that I may not have known, especially w/emotions and the feelings that I feel. It's very powerful!" That is why it is always beneficial to not rebound after a breakup. It provides you with the time and space to reconcile your emotions and thoughts and feelings about yourself as well as the guy. These alone times with yourself are valuable and can help you make good decisions about dating and love in the future.
"I love this statement of yours--"I don't give up the notion that one day I could meet someone special."--This statement of yours, I feel the exact same way--I really truly do! And you and I both will!!! :O) Have to believe that!!!" --- I hope so honey, for both of us!!!!
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