Starting the where is this going convo.
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Starting the where is this going convo.
| Tue, 04-27-2004 - 12:06pm |
OK I need some advice. I met a guy online about a month ago, we’ve gone out about 6 times now, things are going well, I think. Last weekend, he took me to a concert of his favorite band and we had a great time. As of right now, because of our schedules, we aren’t going to see each other until next Tuesday (sigh), but we are both very busy. My question is this…I am ready for the relationship to become a little more physical, but before this can happen, I need for us to talk about our physical pasts (for safety reasons) and I want to talk about expectations for our dating relationship. I don’t want to rush things, but I do think we need to talk about our expectations, as in, are we seeing other people, are either of us looking for a long term relationship, do we see this relationship going anywhere, are we into each other, etc. I am not looking for him to profess his love or anything, but I do want to have some sort of conversation about where this is headed (for the physical side sake). We’ve messed around above the belt a few times and I’ve spent the night at his house once, but nothing too physical as of yet. I usually rush into that stuff too soon, so this time I am trying not to in an effort to not get hurt. Any advice on how I could bring this conversation up or lead our conversations into that would be great. Thanks!

"I am willing to spend the night with you -- and probably eventually have sex with you -- even though we are NOT dating exclusively and even though we have NOT talked about our past sexual history. There's no reason for you to worry about talking to me about where the relationship is going, our past sexual histories, STDs. I've made it clear to you I don't care much about those things."
That's the message you've given him. And now you want to find out "where you stand" with him, and discuss exclusivity, STDs, etc? without appearing to be rushing things? Kind of a complete reversal of the way you've acted thus far, wouldn't you say?
My suggestion is you you stop spending the night and giving him the impression you're available for sex. You stop being so available and so "easy". Then I suggest you do nothing, and wait for HIM to bring up the subject of exclusivity, where the relationship is headed, whether you should start having sex, etc. This is what you should have done to begin with.
If and when HE is interested in "moving the relationship forward," he will bring it. If and when HE is ready to talk about who else either of you are dating, or whether you two should start having sex, or whether the relationship has any future, he will bring it up. Meantime, start acting in ways that are consistent with how you really feel.
we dont' live in the dark ages anymore. dating is different than this black/white, don't give up anything till we're completely exclusive. i think going with the flow is th ebest policy.
and she has. and has kept her boundaries (nothing below the waist). Some fooling around after 6 dates is OK. It doesn't say to the man, I want to have your babies, i want to have sex. And i'm disrespecting myself. It says "hey im attracted to you", "this is fun"... but im still respecting myself by not sleeping with you until we've gotten closer.
Where i agree Thistle is where you stated to let him bring it up. He will when hes ready.
I thought I had written this or some parts of your post.
How this sort of thing came up with me in your stage (about 1 1/2 mos of dating) ... was when he & i (the guy i was seeing) were kissing and just doing our thing in bed one night. No sex to this pt... it was getting to the point of wanting to go towards sex. So i said 'hey listen we haven't had the sex talk yet'. and from there i just said 'this is my history '... and he told me his. nothing about how many partners. but just had we been tested recently, how much. then periodically before that pt, he & i had discussed tkaing things slowly. mostly HE brought it up. I dindt have to say a word. just kind of added my two cents when he did.
So let things flow naturally. They will come up and you wont question when to bring it up.
I know it tends to drive you nuts, and if its still botherin gyou two weeks from now, then yes bring up. "hey where are we going?". I need to know because 'im dating others' or i want to know if we should keep hanging out. Somethin casual to where you get answers.
Hope that helped.
Good Luck.
I will wait for him to bring something up, or wait until there is an opening to at least broach the subject of what we are both thinking/wanting out of this relationship. He knows that I am not one to talk about my feelings, and not that this is a 'feelings' kind of conversation, but I do think that at some point soon we should lay out what we are both thinking about how far this can go. I don't want to assume anything about what he is thinking, nor do I want him to assume anything I am thinking. I like taking things slow in the physical department until I get to know a person and know what they want out of a relationship at this stage in their lives.
Anyway, you're right about today's dating scene being different than long ago. For that reason I think it's important to stay on the right track and look out for #1. If that means someone gets "scared off" when you bring up tough and potentially awkward relationship topics, so be it. A man who's right for you won't be scared off no matter what. Good luck on what sounds like a budding romance. :-)