STAY or Leave? Advice needed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
STAY or Leave? Advice needed.
2
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 11:33am

My b/f of a year tells me his brother will be moving to another state for a contracting job--he runs the business.. and him and my b/f are thinking in investing in it for the possibility to make big money. His brother would be moving there with his wife and kid. I am thinking my b/f's mother would not want to be apart from the grandchild and in which case she would go too--and my b/f stays a few days a week with her to help her out and take care of things with the house--which really makes me think he is never going to come back and will just follow his family and not take into consideration a possible future with me. I will just be starting my career and can not just follow him there.
He says he does not what is going to happen b/c this a few months from now and he is not even sure he is going to go even if he is investing b/c its not like he is doing it with a stranger--he said if something happens where his brother needs him--he will have to go and help--and this means he would have to take a leave of absence and those are good for up to a year. And i am thinking--if he does in fact stay for a year--then that is when he would have to make his decision to quit his job and live there or come back home to be with me. I bascially said we cannot have a relationship with you gone all these months--there is lack of intimacy and the possbility of just growing apart. What would stop him from saying no to some cute girl at a bar when i am not around at all and only able to see him 3 times a month--is that enough physical contact for a guy and emotional contact as well? People have needs and i don't want to be naive. Tell me if you think i am or not.

I said that if i am important to him you will make an effort for it to be more than 3 times a month and i am actually thinking of saying only go there to visit your brother and show support but not stay for months at a time. He said he cannot give me any answers right now because he doesnt have any--there are things his brother needs to do first before any of this gets started so it will probably take a couple of months and then he tells me he is not even sure if will have to go--which i think he would go anyway--especially just to see for himself if his brother needs and his mother. He says families stick together--so in my mind i am thinking he already made up his mind and i am going to get burned in the end b/c he is going to let his family dictate his life. I think yes--there is a bond btwn families that doesnt go away--but at some point you need to decide what you want in your life to be happy and that includes the person you want to share your life with. Families live apart all the time and still visit and talk on a daily basis. I feel as if he has some attachment disorder if he is willing to throw away a long term relationship. I said i can't be completely on the sideliness and just wait as you tell me.."its too busy this week--cant see u." I also feel like i will be worried about him meeting someone else.

He says--what gives you the impression it would be 3 times a month--he says if it happens where he needs to go and do this--yes some months might be busy where we wont see each other as much and others he can come for a few days or i can fly out there. He said if this can make him money and if i am in this for long term-why is it not impossible to be apart for a little bit but still together afterwards for years to come. I talked with my parents and they basically said i shouldnt make any rash decisions like calling it off now b/c i am mad at the possiblity of him leaving to make money for his future. They said a million things can happen between now and then:
1. we can break up over something even before he goes
2. This business idea can somehow be delayed or fall apart
3. He is showing he doesnt want to throw it away BUT if he begins to do less and less while away and cancelling and not seeing me--then maybe its time to let go.
4. If in the end, he decides to stay there for the long haul and live there--then i know for sure in my heart that it wasnt meant to be and maybe he just didnt love me enough or as much as i need and at that point i would never have to question in my life if i did the right thing.
5. They said if i give it up now and i say that i love him--i will always wonder what could have been instead of just playing it by ear and kind of letting him make the decision of what he wants to do with his life because obviously he knows i am serious about a future with him- And they said if i just let things run their natural course and show a little support--it may work out, it may not because life gives you a lot of curve balls which shows that maybe some things happen for a reason..but i wont have to wonder if i wait a little. My father said months apart can work short term but if its over a year and that leave of absence is over and he doesnt make any decisions--then maybe its time to say goodbye b/c at the point he should KNOW whether he wants to be closer to me or continue with just living there.
I also did tell him--if my parents moved to florida or somewhere all of a sudden i cannot just pack my bags and follow them..i have to live my own life and of course visit a lot and call and have them visit me. But i have to decide what i want for my future and who i want to share my life with. But he actually said--i wouldnt go with my family..all of this is making me think he will never come back. I ask him--so then what reason would you come back for if your mother decides to go with your brother and the kid..and he said well that would be to come back for you...but he isnt giving me any guarantee of anything right..no gurantee of how long, when, schedules of seeing each other because he says he does not have the answers or any more information on the thing. What do i do with this? Do you think my parents gave good advice? Help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 12:44pm

I think your parents gave you good advice that you should listen to.

I see a few issues here:

First, you raise the concern that he will cheat on you with a girl at a bar if you two are long-distance because you're not there to satisfy him. But, he could cheat on you right now. There are plenty of opportunities that people have every day to cheat on their significant others -- even when they live together. So, you have to decide whether you trust him. If you do trust him, then you need to use that trust and not doubt him. Because it will drive you crazy and get you nowhere. If you don't trust him then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him in the first place.

Second, you are doing yourself no favors by pitting yourself against his family. He's been with you for a year -- but that's nothing in comparison to how long he's been with his family. And he will be with his family for the rest of his life for 100% sure. There is no such guarantee that he will be with you for that long. So asking him to give up his family for you is a sure way to push him into giving you up instead. Also, just because you're willing to give up being close to your family doesn't mean that everyone is, nor that everyone should.

You both need to find someone that fits into your life plans and journeys. So, if it is his dream to go into business with his brother, then he needs to find a woman who fits into that life. He shouldn't have to give up on his dreams. Likewise, you value your career and so need to find someone that fits longterm into that life path. It may be that the two of you simply have different life goals that aren't compatible in the longrun.

Third, your post indicates a lot of sacrifices you want him to make for you (not move, see his family less, give up a potential business, travel to see you more), yet nowhere do you indicate what sacrifices you are willing to make to stay together. A relationship requires compromise by both parties. You say you can't move because of your career, but the same logic you're applying to him could apply to you too. (You're saying, if he loved me, he wouldn't leave. It could just as easily be said, if you loved him, you would go.)

Why wouldn't you want him to pursue his dreams and goals, just as you pursue yours? That's what both parties should want for each other in a longterm, healthy relationship. No one should have to sacrifice their other goals just to be in a relationship.

I think the two of you have some serious thinking about what you want out of life. It may be that while you were compatible for this one year, ultimately your goals are too different to stay together.

best of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 1:11pm

Thank you,

The thing is--he never mentioned going into business with him---its more like investing in this property and he said he would go down their only if he had to like if his brother needs the help building the building. But i think he will go down just the same to help anyway. I do not think he would be staying their for business opportunities like wanting to have another career there because if you make money from this investment--he can very well be set for life..i said what would you come back here for then..and he said well it would be for you--but i do not hear him saying i love you and of course i will come back. There are bigger opportunities here where i am--i need to make money and pay loans back. I can't go to another city where they probably dont make as much.

He also tells me he does want to live in this area forever(i would rather not say where i am from). He says he does not want to die here or live the rest of his life here. That being said--i really am thinking with him going down there, he is going to see if he likes it..and since his family is there--he might as well give it a try with or without me. It will be heartbreaking if he says in the end i want this rather than be with you when i am going to try to be patient and hope this works out and pretty much wait for him. It seems like he will go on with his new life fine and start fresh and i will be here will all these memories of him that i will have to live with. I guess there is a higher chance here of having my heart broken than it working out. Maybe if he sees me sticking by him and coming to visit which i am willing to do but i'm sure we cant afford it all the time, he will see a future with me and want to come back. I hope i am not being naive