Stepping back

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2010
Stepping back
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 7:52am

Hi all

I've been dating a guy for four weeks and he's pretty great but I think we let initial infatuation take over and moved too quickly. We saw each other 4 times the first week and spend several evenings a week just watching TV at each other's home. We've slept together and have also stayed over when we didn't sleep together.

I like him a lot but it's all starting to feel a bit too quick for me. I realise it's my own fault but I'd like to see if I can rescue this situation. I guess ideally I'd like to see him about twice a week and actually go out for dinner. I want to feel like we're dating rather than in an insta-relationship. The other day I mentioned him being a guest in my home and he said "nah, I'm part of the furniture now". I don't want him to be part of the furniture, I want him to be somebody I get to know over a period of time.

The problem I have is how do I step this back without him thinking I'm not interested? How do I bring up slowing this down?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: ckzero
Sun, 12-30-2012 - 10:48pm

I think it's difficult to go backwards but I think you are right--you don't want to get into this routine where you're acting like you're practically living together already, just hanging around the house--when you haven't really gotten to know each other yet.  I would talk to him honestly and say that you would like to go out and do things and not just hang out watching TV because it doesn't really help you to get to know each other.  Good luck with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: ckzero
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 9:07am
I think you said it great in this post and can say the same things to him. And you are exactly right. Meeting someone new and getting to know them is the best part, as is dating them by going out. Sitting around already all the time watching TV is a very bad sign that this thing will soon die of boredom.
Be straightforward with him, no hints. People usually respond well when someone else starts off by taking responsibility like you have by saying "I realize it's my own fault..." It's not your own fault, it takes two. But like I said - when people hear someone else taking responsibility first, they're less likely to take it personal.
This is also a good learning experience about him. If he is content watching TV all the time and not getting out, or pouts once you suggest what you are needing, then this wasn't going to last long anyway.
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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: ckzero
Mon, 12-31-2012 - 1:48pm

  Hi  I slept on this.  My suggestion is to go forward!  What activities do you like?  Dancing,golf,skiing, bookstores,hiking,videogames?   Go and do.  Concerts? This moves knowing him forward not backward.  Placing him in new scenes will allow both to see each other in new surroundings.  Don't stop sleeping and sexing together.  Just put it in the world of all other activities. 

    Why?  Think of being in his shoes?  Treat others as you would want them to treat you.