Still Cool with his Exes?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Still Cool with his Exes?
4
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:21am
Hi, I'm new to this, but I've gotten desperate. I'm hoping someone can help me understand something about my boyfriend. We've been together for about 6 months now, from the start I knew he was a huge flirt, but it doesn't bother me. My bf never had a real relationship before, the one he had that was closest to one, ended because she was jealous of one of the girls he hung out with, Deza. I found a letter he kept from her, saying that he was ignoring her and paying more attention to Deza. The thing is, he never dated, basically he had one-night stands and/or friends with benefits type of things. The one thing that bothers me the most is that he tells me he's still cool with them all, and that he's not gonna change for anyone (stop talking to them). The thing that set me off about it all was that at a bar we were together, and he made plans for new year's with one of his sex buddies, jacmie. (He also bought another sex buddy, Jackie, a drink that night, because it was her birthday). I don't understand, it hurt me so bad that he would include her in our plans, or just invite her. He tells me that she was friends with this group we are supposed to chill with on new year's, I told him that it was disrespectful to me, for him to throw his ex in my face like that.And by the way,He tells me a couple of days ago that Deza invited him to her graduation and that he wants to go. All I see are girls he slept with, I don't care if they are 'friends', it's not right, I know those gurls still want him. I told him that I had no problem with him hanging out with gurls that are friends with him...as long as he never slept with them, and that it was time for him to move on, I mean, is that too much to ask? He called me jealous, and that I was with the wrong guy then, because if he has to explain to me why he wants to hang out with them, then he wasted 6 months with me.He insisted that he's not choosing them over me, but I feel he has. What do I do?? It bothers me when we go out, that he runs into them and chats, hugs, and kisses them on the cheek..these gurls he's slept with, and he expects me to be cool with that?! He keeps telling me that he would never cheat on me because what we have is huge and that he has a strong character. I do beleive that he would never cheat on me..but I don't want to see these gurls hanging around us, or him.I know for a fact that he isn't cheating on me because he has no time, we are constantly together, so these gurls are only a threat when we go out or have events. He insisted that he doesn't care about people around us, and that it's just us too he focuses on, and that we don't have to be next to each other to be together. We fought about it..I told him that he was with them for one reasaon, sex, what does he need me now for then if he has them..and he tells me that he doesn't want to deal with this and that it's over if he has to answer that, that our time together was a waste. He says that it's all about trust, I tried to put the same scenario with me and guys I've slept with, he said he wouldn't care because he trusts me and what we have. I feel for my own self-respect and for my own sanity I can't take it, but we care for each other and have invested alot into this relationship. Please, if anyone has any advice for me, let me know. Am I over-reacting? We have different beleifs and morals, I had only one bf my entire life, lasted one month, and had sex with him once. I'm a college student and I don't sleep around, had sex once, with my ex before my new one. He was notorious for sleeping around..I don't know how to handle this, because I beleive it is important to get over it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 4:41pm
Hello dream, welcome to the board!

 
Avatar for bensand
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:50pm

Hi there ,

I think he is being really disrespectful of your feelings, and I don't think you're overreacting at all . I think you have a right to feel the way you do . That would bother me too . It doesn't seem as though he really cares very much about how you feel, and sooner or later I'm sure you're going to resent that . Just my two cents .... good luck :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:21pm
Hi TG, thank you for the welcome.And thank you so much sandralynn4 for your thoughts, I did feel the same, but I know he cares about how I feel,last night he wanted to know what I meant and wanted me to explain, he just doesn't understand. I have noticed that alot of men don't understand that aspect of exes. The thing is, at the end of the argument, he had asked me what I wanted him to do and he would see if he could do it. I just didn't know what to tell him exactly. The truth is, I'm not threatened by these gurls, it's just that the fact he used to sleep with them, I want him to have no contact what-so-ever with them. I just couldn't tell him that, and I didn't know how to either. He specifically told me that he wouldn't stop being friends with them. I think the biggest issue is, he doesn't understand why it bothers me, and I want to explain it to him, but I don't know how. I know I have to break it down for him, in what way it bothers me, I just don't know how.I feel like if I can explain it to him in a way he can understand where I'm coming from, then he'll eventually try to make some changes. And TG, I knew from the start that we were not compatible..that's not too much of a big deal for me, it keeps me interested actually. It's just that when we argue he's soo quick to dismiss it, and that bugs me. But when things calm down (like last night) he'll come back and ask me what it was all about..without any yelling or arguing. I need a way to explain to him the fact that staying in touch with your exes...in way shows that you don't or can't move on from your past. That's what I beleive. He said that they have mutual friends and that he's not just gonna tell her to leave. I just don't want him kissing and hugging them, as if he still doesn't have a girlfriend...I don't know how to explain how I feel exactly, but I know it's not jealousy..I want him to act like he has a girlfriend when we go out. I know that he pointed me out to her, as his girlfirend at the bar. But for some reason, to me, it's not enough, am I asking for too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 2:30pm
okee dokee... I'm going to tell you exactly what I think from what you have said...