Still have hope-but, fleeting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Still have hope-but, fleeting
5
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 11:30am
Alright, first time doing this; running out of time and need advice on touchy subject... Me and my ex-fiance' have been broken up for 7 months now and I'm still in love w/ her deeply. The trick is that she's 7 yrs. older than I (27-me,34-her) and she broke it off, but, tells everyone its my fault. I don't point fingers, I think it takes two to make it and two to let it fail. I will admit she had a valid reason to leave, she felt I was being inconsistent in my career path-she was right! I was also, depressed right before we split because, I knew I was disappointing her and myself; to the tune of turning to drugs and drinking. Everyone has their demons to face;i.e. infidelity, eating disorders, drugs-mine was hard liquor and pot. I've been in school for almost two years now and am doing great-It's funny how you find what your good at and everything falls into place-w/ alot of hard work though. I've also been sober for 7 months and I'm , NEVER going back-don't get me wrong I was never addicted but, over indulged. We've both admitted that the way we met and how we fell in love was unique and special-she knows how I feel about her and that I want her back-I can understand how she'd be hesitant,but, she barely gives me a chance and now she says things like we're not trying to get back togther but, she's not writing it off-What the hell does that mean? Now, I hear she's in some long distance relationship w/ some guy in colorado. Feels like to me I'm going to be second place or that she's already wrote me off but, won't say so. Here's the delimma- I have to go over there to get the rest of my things and have some things to say about how I feel about our relationship and about what happened and that i still love her. I feel she's making a mistake w/ this guy in colorado. Should i tell her how I feel about all this even if it's in vein? I'm not a dead beat or inconsistant-I have alot of potiential and am going to school for architecture, I found what I want in life and want her to be a part of it-we were engaged for crying out loud!She's the love of my life and I want to win her back,work on our relationship, get married. have children. If she says she's not writing it off, what does that mean? How do I bridge the gap? I know she still has feelings for me but, should I find out if she still loves me? Should I speak my peace, even if its for my own sake? I can't even look at other women! Let, alone want to sleep w/ another. Sorry,for the novel,but, really need advice and help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 12:17pm
Hi,

First, congrads on putting your life back together. that is always a good step to take before getting into a serious relationship (talking about marriage, children).

2nd, I think you should talk to her about how you feel anyway. there are no downsides for you :

if she does love you- she might give you a chance, or just tell you that she does, & then, well, that's good enough, right?

if she doesn't- you'll know it for a fact. sure, it will hurt. a lot. but knowing it for a fact is the only way to ever get over her.

So even though it's at the risk of causing yourself some pain, you kinda owe it to yourself, in the long run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 10:56am
I don't know why you would want a woman so much older than you are. At your age, you should be dating women who are 21 or 22 and she should be going out with 45 year olds.

I doubt you can compete with a 45 year old man as he has stability, money, and his own home and career already going. That's probably why she dumped you as you were going nowhere and acting immature for her.

Personally, I would just move on but you say you love her.

Don't even mention the other guy, that will only sound like jealousy and insecurity on your part, be a man. Just go and get your things and invite her for a cup of coffee and then talk to her, tell her how your life has changed and that the two of you should get a second chance. But do NOT beg. She will try to make you beg and not give you a straight answer (it's a game that women play) but don't. Be a man and not a desperate man. Take baby steps and take your time and she'll come around.

Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 12:17pm
OK, despite what Tom says, this is not really an age issue (you should not be limited to dating children, nor should she be limited to dating old men). If you have your life together and are mature enough to date an older woman and you have enough in common, age should not really be the problem.

However, I do agree with both other posters in saying that you should just tell her how you feel in a calm, rational manner without bringing up the other guy. Emphasize that you have your life back on track and let her know that it was because of her (it sounds like it is due to the timing). But be prepared to give her some space and time to digest it all. Let her know that you don't expect an answer right away and be prepared to back off an give her the time she needs to make up her mind. If she does have this other relationship right now, she might need some time to end things with him if she decides to get back with you. But you also have to have the expectation that she might say no.

Good luck and I hope it works out. The key is to not let the situation get out of hand or overly emotional. It is a touchy subject, but getting angry, too upset or needy (for lack of a better word) will only hurt the situation.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 3:00pm
Aren't YOU 16 years older than that woman you're hankering after?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 5:32pm
You can tell her how you feel, the worst she can say is no. I just don't really see the point though, she has said she didn't want anything more with you and she has started dating someone else. Face it, you let her down and now that you've come to your senses she's not available because she thought twice about being hurt again. What you need to do is SHOW her that you are a changed person, because actions speak louder than words and you can tell her til you're blue in the face the new person you are. Show her that you are the new person you say you are, tell her that you want to re-invest in your friendship with her, don't pressure her to "make a decision", just show her the man you realized you are.

Congratulations, by the way, on overcoming your addictions, and I hope you continue down that path. You will and are a better person for facing and standing up to those ways. In time she may see that you have truly changed and will be able to accept you back as a part of her life. I'm sure that she does love you, but remember, she has been hurt and is weary of it happening again.

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