Still no call....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Still no call....
24
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:00pm

Hi halle, snafu and anyone else who cares to offer some help!

It's been a week since my guy picked that fight and he still hasn't called me. My only contact from him was an email on Thursday that "at some point soon I need to talk with you".

I sent him two emails, one on Tuesday asking just why he was so mad at me, and another Friday asking him to really think about things before telling me goodbye because he would not be getting a third chance. I re-read my email to him and felt sick to my stomach. It sounded almost like I was begging.........I DO NOT BEG FOR ANYONE!

I had plans tonight with a girlfriend of mine but she had to cancel. Now I'm sitting here and my mind is going crazy, my stomach is all in knots, I go from crying to being nauseous.....it's the beginning of sundown. I've been doing so well the past two days, really getting myself together, aka getting mad, and ready to move on. Making sure I don't initiate any more contact. Had a good day today with my kids, went to the beach, dinner with mom and sis etc. Now my kids are at their dads and I'm alone with my thoughts and am beginning to miss him terribly.

So I write here because I have to write something or I may do something dumb like try to call him or email him again and I don't want to come off as desperate. I know it will pass and I will again gain my strength but I don't understand any of this!! We had a great thing going this time around. I ran into a friend of his who assured me it's not me (which I know) and that he is really just a mess from his divorce. His friend was a guy and I don't care how much of a mess he is anymore, it's not right that he is not only ignoring the problem but I feel a HUGE amount of disrespect from someone to whom I only offered love and support through alot of his problems the past seven or eight months, not to mention the friendship we shared for five years before we started dating.

I read a blurb from 'thebethness' on the playing games thread and she said (not a direct quote) it's lack of concern or caring more than manipulation.

That's what I'm thinking now is probably the case. He has no regard for his actions coming in and out of my life like he has, or his kids. I was very attached to his children, especially the oldest son who is not pleased at all with how his dad is treating me. Whatever his damage, I was willing to stick it out for him. I don't want to do that anymore, but I am not ready to let go. Holding on to false hope........just like his empty promises.

Sorry so long, hope you understand. Had to get something out.

Thanks ladies.

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 10:50pm

We're here Patty. You hit the nail on the head with "His friend was a guy and I don't care how much of a mess he is anymore, it's not right that he is not only ignoring the problem but I feel a HUGE amount of disrespect from someone to whom I only offered love and support through alot of his problems the past seven or eight months, not to mention the friendship we shared for five years before we started dating."

How could someone treat a person so badly when all she has done is treat him with all the caring and respect in the world?

"He has no regard for his actions coming in and out of my life like he has, or his kids." -- that is how it appears, that he is selfish and inconsiderate.

Keep this in mind...you never know someone until you are going through a bad time with them. Oh sure...it is easy to spout all the of the right things to say to a woman while you are wooing her...but your true character comes our during times of trouble. Based on how this guy is handling things - do you still want him? I'm a big believer in watching how someone handles crises and difficulties to measure their fit in my life. If someone mishandles something because he had a need to make me feel jealous or insecure (which has happened to me) or walks all over my heart or my needs (because...he's "the guy" and because he has the penis his needs come first) then it is "ciao baby". The reason I say goodbye in those cases is because he would need to undo his whole life and go to therapy for many sessions in order to undo this behavioral pattern. I firmly believe that a person's character doesnt change. Their outter persona may change some just from aging and life's experiences. Their tastes and interests and wants may change. But if the guy is selfish, he's going to stay selfish. Men don't feel a huge desire to change internally - "growth" is something women do and there is always a woman who will take them as they are and not require them to do any introspection.

Have you tried calling him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:17pm

HI snafu,

No, I'm happy to report I have NOT tried calling him. I sent two emails. He knows how I felt. Just venting on here and trying to offer support to others has been great therapy. As has been my "myspace" (ya, I'm old but still have one, lol) It's another good place to put up your feelings and reach out to friends and family. The crying stopped and my mind opened to what I might say if he EVER contacts me.

First and formost, I'm most pissed (can I say that on here? lol) that the gutless wonder has not even bothered to APOLOGIZE for yelling at me last Saturday. Forget having a talk about it, but he hasn't even said he's sorry. He's had a week to at least tell me that. For that, I will not forgive him. This is the third time he has taken his "emotions" on me and it's worse each time. I will not wait around to see what the fourth time would be like.

I appreciate everyones support and advice. It's finally sinking in! No matter how much I loved him and was willing to stick it out, he is not stable for me. I will not go under just to keep him afloat.......

Doing ok so far....
Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:31pm

I'm sorry you're going through this but glad that you having called him. Good for you! He doesn't deserve to hear from you.

You're never going to "understand" someone who behaves like this, it's a waste of your time and effort to try. You can't understand because you're a decent human being who can't concieve of treating someone you claim to care about like he's treating you. So give up trying to understand and work instead on accepting that he's fundamentally flawed in a way that is not acceptable for someone (you, hopefully!) who wants a healthy relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 11:41pm

Thanks Sheri.

Like I said, it's finally starting to really sink in that he is unstable. It is totally inconceivable to me for someone to act so.....I can't even come up with a suitable word!

It's too bad we can't put a branding on their forheads to warn the next poor woman who comes his way! But if that happened, these message boards would be pretty empty! ;-)

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2005
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:46am
Hi, I was reading your post and I agree and disagree with a lot that was done and said. If this guy regarly checks his email then I think that is enough contact for right now and its time to start paying attention to what you need right now. If you keep trying to talk to him and he isnt ready to talk yet then you will appear desperate and a whole bunch of other things that I'm sure are not part of your character. I think this is a time for you as well to start to ask yourself if your getting what you need from this relationship. Because if your not you need to figure out if he is the person who can give you what you need. I do understand that you love him and its hard to consider these things when your emotionally involved with someone, but you have to remember that there are 2 people in this relationship not just one. Its time to make sure you get what you want and need. While he's taking his time getting back to you use this time to your advantage and get yourself in check and make sure your not doing things that you will later regret by chasing this man. With that being said, my suggestion is to sit down and write a letter. The letter should be as if you were talking to the guy and he was sitting in the room with you and listening to you. Write every question you would ask him and write about how angry and fustrated you are with this situation.Express everything you ever wanted to say to him but never got the chance. This letter is not for him but for you. You will never give him this letter, you can tear it up after your done writing. This letter is to help you get your emotions under control so u can stop reacting to the situation in such an aggressive manner. U will be surprised by how much better your going to feel afterwards because everything you've wanted to say your getting the chance to say. By the time he's ready to talk (he eventually will be) you would have gotten your emotions undercontrol and be able to express yourself in a manner that he cant help but respect. As far as whether you should continue the relationship afer that , its up to u. Just make sure that if you do decide too that both of you are getting what you need and want from the relationship. Dont give more than what your getting in hopes of getting a return on your investment. Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 11:33am
I'm not sure if I would feel better writing all of it and then just tearing it up because the whole point is that you're wondering about the other person - their thoughts and feelings about you... and I wouldn't be getting that back from this technique. But I understand the idea of it. Maybe it works for some people. For me, I'd be even more maddened because everything would be perfectly laid out in the letter and I'd definitely want to express all of it to the person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 9:01am

Thanks classy,

I actually have already done what you suggested and it has helped. Since his totally out of character argument last Saturday, I only sent him two emails; One on Tuesday asking him why he was so mad at me and made reference to the things he was yelling about, and on Thursday in reply to the email he sent about needing to talk with me soon. Other than that, no other contact from me and no calls (which was hard at first).And yes, he does check his emails everyday.

I have, though, written MANY emails to him when there have been things I've wanted to say or ask. At times when I felt lonley and confused and times when I felt angry and done. I did find this to be a very helpful tool. I did not put an addressee in the heading just incase I hit the send button (a very helpful hint btw) and I saved these emails to draft. They never were intended to be sent, but as you stated, to be a venting tool. (this board wouldn't be able to handle all the venting, lol)

I find humor in them now, as I am coming out of the fog and into the sunlight how pathetic I would have sounded if I had actually talked or tried to email him when my emotions were so raw.

Great advice and it should be at least tried by anyone who feels that urge to make those calls or send those emails!

Thanks for the support!
Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:36pm

I just came back from the post office where I saw his truck in the lower parking lot. Like a scared little schoolgirl, I waited in my truck until he came out and got in his truck and then I got out and went in.

I have to tell you that my stomach is all twisted and all those emotions I have been trying to work out have all come rushing back. I didn't want my first time seeing him in over a week to be inside the post office with a lot of people around, know what I mean? But now I know even if he does ever call, I'm not sure I can see him face to face to talk at this point. I would probably forgive his behavior and that is WRONG. I love him so much and this hurts like hell. I know the split will be for the best but it is so hard at this moment. I hope it passes soon. Being in the same town will make for bumping into each other, but I'm just not ready for that casual encounter.

Not looking for a response, just needed to get it out and feel like someone is here with me. Hope that's ok.

Patty

PATTY

~Dare to believe in yourself~

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:02pm

In that case, I'll just give you a cyber hug.

Hang in there...

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 4:10pm
you meant this for newyear right? because it came to my email and not hers.

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