Still no call....
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| Sat, 06-16-2007 - 9:00pm |
Hi halle, snafu and anyone else who cares to offer some help!
It's been a week since my guy picked that fight and he still hasn't called me. My only contact from him was an email on Thursday that "at some point soon I need to talk with you".
I sent him two emails, one on Tuesday asking just why he was so mad at me, and another Friday asking him to really think about things before telling me goodbye because he would not be getting a third chance. I re-read my email to him and felt sick to my stomach. It sounded almost like I was begging.........I DO NOT BEG FOR ANYONE!
I had plans tonight with a girlfriend of mine but she had to cancel. Now I'm sitting here and my mind is going crazy, my stomach is all in knots, I go from crying to being nauseous.....it's the beginning of sundown. I've been doing so well the past two days, really getting myself together, aka getting mad, and ready to move on. Making sure I don't initiate any more contact. Had a good day today with my kids, went to the beach, dinner with mom and sis etc. Now my kids are at their dads and I'm alone with my thoughts and am beginning to miss him terribly.
So I write here because I have to write something or I may do something dumb like try to call him or email him again and I don't want to come off as desperate. I know it will pass and I will again gain my strength but I don't understand any of this!! We had a great thing going this time around. I ran into a friend of his who assured me it's not me (which I know) and that he is really just a mess from his divorce. His friend was a guy and I don't care how much of a mess he is anymore, it's not right that he is not only ignoring the problem but I feel a HUGE amount of disrespect from someone to whom I only offered love and support through alot of his problems the past seven or eight months, not to mention the friendship we shared for five years before we started dating.
I read a blurb from 'thebethness' on the playing games thread and she said (not a direct quote) it's lack of concern or caring more than manipulation.
That's what I'm thinking now is probably the case. He has no regard for his actions coming in and out of my life like he has, or his kids. I was very attached to his children, especially the oldest son who is not pleased at all with how his dad is treating me. Whatever his damage, I was willing to stick it out for him. I don't want to do that anymore, but I am not ready to let go. Holding on to false hope........just like his empty promises.
Sorry so long, hope you understand. Had to get something out.
Thanks ladies.

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Hi Patty. "I love him so much and this hurts like hell." I know and it will take a long time for this pain to go away. I'm sure whatever excuse he can offer you will not be sufficient to cover the type of pain you are going through.
This may be of no comfort to you, but I am the victim of a horrible crime. You will see that no apology or excuse will be sufficient to cover the pain I have endured for 5 years plus. A bunch of people ambushed my life and basically took it over as though I am a slave in this 2007 America. It is kind of like the movie "The Game" except this is no movie and I am no actress but a real life victim. I have reached out to numerous people for help and I have not heard anything in the way that anyone has helped me. Not only that...not one person in this entire world has ever extended a hand to say that I am not alone and he or she or they would help me put the perpetrators in jail. I have received over 5 years absolutely no emotional support or comfort or any words of "dont worry we'll help you" or "well get you out of this mess" - nothing. I have been nothing but a good friend to people and loyal. I am not going to need these people after it is all over. I needed them NOW because the crime has completely isolated me from having a normal life. I live in a small town in Florida and a bunch of doctors took over my life - part romantic/sex slave and part object used as a tool to hurt others. I know - complicated but that is for another time. Since every single person I called or wrote decided to not check in on me or offer words to comfort me I realize they are very cruel. And this emotional cruelty also comes from men who have professed to love or have loved me --- hmmm, no man in this world is worth my time anymore. Since they dished out mental cruelty to me - that is what I hope they get back from this world. They will try to say that they were coerced into isolating me by the bad guys, but I don't buy it and never will. I think everyone hoped that I would just kill myself so they didnt have to go to jail. Nice thoughts...huh? I dont' forget things like this.
Snafu, I'm sorry that you had to endure that type of pain and torture. It is something that no one should ever have to go through. I understand your mistrust towards men and people in general. I hope it works out in the end for you so you can put this all behind you. You have been a victim and it doesn't seem like you use that as an excuse to hurt anyone else and you, more than anyone, would have the right to feel that way.
((Huggs))
Patty
PATTY
~Dare to believe in yourself~
I just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and cyber hugs ;-) I made a decision on what to do today, and for better or worse, I feel a much lighter weight on my mind.
After eleven days of no call from him, and seeing him at the post office twice now, I sent him a final email. I didn't want to call because I didn't want to hear his voice and get all emotional, ya know?
It was simple. It wasn't angry, or redundant or pleading. It basically told him that no matter what stress he has in his life, or how ever scared he gets when he is in a relationship, I had only offered care and concern for him in our relationship and that I did not deserve the reaction I got last Saturday. I also made mention that it hurt that he didn't even offer an apology for his outburst, even if he was still trying to sort things through.
Those words were not verbatim, but that was the basics of it. I told him I hoped someday he would find peace of mind.
He may snap out of it, he may not. Either way, I have said my peace. I realized after reading everyones caring advice that he should not be allowed to feel that his behavior is ok and I felt that if I just never contacted him again, he would think that it was.
I'm doing pretty good now that that's out there in email world. I feel much better to move on now.
Thank you all again for helping me through. I hope I can do the same sometime. Should he ever contact me, I'll let you know!
Patty
PATTY
~Dare to believe in yourself~
I just responded to your post on the other board--and was glad to read this.
I have a feeling you will hear from him--guys are pretty quick to respond when you call them on stuff, I've found (they don't like it). So you need to be prepared for that--give some serious thought to what it would take for you to give him another chance. It's a good exercise in boundary setting even if you never have to use it.
Personally, him taking this long would be unacceptable no matter what excuses he comes up with. This just isn't how healthy people handle conflict and I want a partner whose healthy.
Sheri
Hi Sheri,
Thanks for both your responses. As far as the one from the other board,
I knew he runs in times of stress. I just didn't(or don't) know how far he would run. I was hoping to be the one who stood firm, stood by him, who wasn't going to be scared away. I was hoping that by seeing someone(me) not be scared off by his weaknesses (which by not wanting me to see, he runs?), he might relax and start trusting again. (For those who don't know, he was very hurt in his divorce of 25yrs with his highschool sweetheart, but that was five years ago)
But I am only one woman, I loved him best I could. I am not his therapist. I am not his mother. He himself needs to learn how to trust again, and how to behave in an adult manner and admit to his faults (which he usually does but then uses them as an excuse). He needed to know that this type of behavior is just not right, especially towards someone who has been there for him all along.
I have been putting a lot of thought into what happens next, if he does anything. Those thoughts are still swirling around my brain. I do need a healthy relationship with a man who is mentally able to give me that. If he was willing to seek professional help....maybe. Who knows. At least I feel I have my control back.
Thanks to all!
PATTY
~Dare to believe in yourself~
Hi Sheri and all you other wonderful women who have helped me through the almost past two weeks!
I did hear from him today. We went for a drive to a local pond and had a real earnest talk. He first and formost apologized for his behavior that Saturday. He gave me some insite to what was going on that day, not as an excuse, but to let me into his mind a little.
Long story short, he, as I knew but had hoped he'd have worked it through, Just can not handle being in a relationship. He really wanted to make it work this time around but he could not handle trying to make someone happy when he is having a hard time making himself happy. I've been there, with the bricks all around my heart and I know it's scary to take them down.
He admitted he was wrong in yelling that day and using his being busy, which I know he has been, as an excuse not to talk to me. He said he knew I deserved that respect. He never meant for me to get hurt again. I agreed that how he handled things the past two weeks were very wrong, but I did know about the "risk" involved in giving it another try. He knows how great I've been and that no one else has ever been there for him in such an understanding way.
He held my hand from when he picked me up until he dropped me off. I think it was almost as hard for him to let me go as it was for him to really be in the relationship with me.
We were friends first, will always have that. I have no regrets now. I stayed strong, no tears (ok, a little welling up but that's it!) I'm glad it is all said and done. I have the closure I was hoping for and my life will continue to move along in a positive direction. No baggage left on my doorstep now.
Somehow, I think if we hadn't had this talk, I'd be bitter and thus take that into the next relationship. I'm glad it turned out to be a bit more "mature" in the end.
Thank you all for your kindness and honesty.
Patty
PATTY
~Dare to believe in yourself~
I'm very glad that he stepped up and was a grown up about it and honest with you, even though the outcome is not what you might have wished for. It definitely helps to not have to be angry at him for being a coward--I've BTDT, and it definitely does make it harder to move on when the guy just disappears.
Now you can grieve and move on but with a clear heart, so to speak.
Sheri
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