Still splitting. I am Not liking it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Still splitting. I am Not liking it.
3
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 9:46am

So we went on our FIFTH date yesterday, and he still said, as soon as the bill arrived--"You wanna split". I hated that. We were meeting after about almost 2 weeks, and he was very eager to meet me up. He even said he was upset that we couldn't meet earlier than yesterday. He was dressed well for the date, in a crisp white shirt too. Plus, our birthdays just passed by a couple days ago. I expected that a man, who clearly says that he is DATING, will treat the woman atleast this time? He is CHEAP :-(. Man!

Okay, so although it was a great date yesterday...something that happened...and something he said...kinda put me off. The waiter arrived with the bill. He immediately looked at it, and he said "you wanna split"....I shrugged and said Okay. We were in the midst of a conversation so I continued talking and forgot all about getting my card out to pay. Suddenly the waiter swishes by and picks it up and leaves. And then I am like "Oh...." And he (my date) says "Well, you were slow....so." I immediately open my purse, get my card out, and attempt to get up to go behind the waiter. The Mr Date says "it's okaaayyyy....you can pay next time". But nope, I didn't take that (becoz that wasnt the HIS ORIGINAL PLAN, plus, he kinda made me feel insulted that I was slow), and still went all the way to the front and gave my card there. When I got back....he asks me...."why.....you feel you don't wanna be under any kinda debt with me or what". I said "nothing like that".

This morning, I woke up, and I have been thinking about this EVER since....and I am feeling very uncomfortable and restless....and his comments are playing in my mind (I hated his comments), and I am feelin resentful etc etc. I want to bring this issue of splitting and what he said yesterday up to him. Do you think I should? The thing is, I don't want to spoil what could be a good thing, just becoz he never pays. Can I bring this up to his attention that this is really bothering me? So he has a chance to understand where I am coming from? I mean, can he not offer even ONCE to pay? What I hate is that it's not coming from within him, and I have never ever come across such a weird situation where I have to ask someone like this.

If I wanna talk about it, how should I put it across, in a way that it is gentle, and non-finger-pointing?

Oh, and I should point out, that I drove us to that restaurant. It was a bit far from his and my place, and I had had enough of arriving at a place separately, and since his car seat belt's still broken (well, he finally said he is going to do something about it) I offered that "I will drive us there".

This is again the same guy....who seems to be showing in all other ways he is interested, yet he has not "made a move" yet. Anything. No touch at all. So we were in the car together for the first time, we even sat at a bench outside side by side...after dinner..it was beautiful weather...and it was the perfect opportunity in my eyes...for him to do something..like put his arm around me maybe. He still didn't. There is definite chemistry, YET.....why??? Yes, I could have taken an initiative, like sitting closer..and I felt like it during some moments, but I didn't. I just wanted HIM to do it first. Is something ever going to come?

Can someone throw some light on what's his deal...
I am 100% sure he is interested in continuing to meet me. He said last night, that he is looking fwd to next week, when we will be meeting again. Oh, and he said ANOTHER thing about 2 days ago on phone, that took me by surprise: He said he doesn't date more than one woman at a time....and that's how he is, but if I wish I could date other people and he is fine with it. So in his eyes, he is totally dating me exclusively right now. Then, why is he acting so strange in the "coming close" department and the "paying up" department?

How should I handle this? :-( Please advise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 10:18am

You can either spend the next several dates wondering what is up or you can ask him what is going on.

I can't for the life of me tell you what is going on because I don't know this guy. He might think his behavior is perfectly okay or he might be a very creative cheapskate or user.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:20pm

I think that getting this guy to treat you is a fantasy that is never going to come true. He's not that guy, so if you're going to continue to date him, you need to accept that, or stop dating him. What I would suggest is that you talk to him about taking turns treating each other so that at least you are not splitting the check each time (which is just about the biggest romance killer around, IMO).

As far as making a move goes--he's already told you that he's Passive Guy and likes the woman to take the lead. So I think if you are waiting for him, you'll be waiting a LONG time. Again, if you don't want Passive Guy, you're dating the wrong man.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 1:31pm

"If I wanna talk about it, how should I put it across, in a way that it is gentle, and non-finger-pointing?"


YES! If it's eating at you so badly, I would talk to him about it but be very gentle. Being confrontational will only lead to one thing--a confrontation.


Let him know how much you enjoy his company and how you see potential for it to go further, etc. Make him feel secure in order to open up the discussion.


And as for the moves... what about grabbing his hand next time? Maybe he's not sure if you want him to make a move? I am dating a guy who told me that I am hard to read at times. So after a date when I wanted him to make a move, I simply grabbed his hand. Shortly after, he kissed me. What's the worst that could happen? He doesn't respond and then you have your answer!


Good luck and keep us posted!