Stop talking to your ex-wife!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Stop talking to your ex-wife!
4
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:49pm
I posted this with "Mr. Answer Man", but after reading some of his advice to other ladies, I realized I'd get better advice from some of the women here. :)

About a month ago, I found out my boyfriend talks to his ex-wife on the phone everyday. Everyday...why?! I fretted about it for a few weeks (meanwhile seeing this trend continued each week) and 2 weeks ago confronted him about it. He casually explained he was close to his ex-wife's grandma and she's ill. Four weeks of talking to his ex-wife everyday...and that's the best he can do? Why not call granny directly? And why all the secrecy? I would have been fine if he was honest and said, "My ex-wife's grandma is sick and she's been calling to give me updates on her condition..." etc. And since our "little talk" (which did nothing to reassure me or put to rest my doubts and suspicions), he now clears his cell phone "call history" each night. Last I checked, people only do that when they want to hide something. A few days ago I noticed he re-named her in his cell phone to just initials...(for example: Jessica Brown, now it's "JB.) Oh come on!! What's the big deal if it's really just about dear ol' sick granny? Exactly my point...it's not. Earliest this week he also subtly hinted he'd like to fly to Utah to see Grandma. Yeah right. I need advice! I hate hypocrites, but he isn't putting himself in my shoes...he'd go insane w/ jealousy and turn into an angry jerk if the situation was reversed and I was talking to an old flame. Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:18am
It does seem a little strange that he is going to "visit" and that they talk every day. I am this situation however--so I will give my little play on this--Me and my ex husband have three kids together and we all live in the same small town. I go to school all week and he actually has a key to my house so that he can come over early in the morning--wait for the kids to wake up and then take them to his house. (this benefits the kids not having to be woke up) So we see each other several times a week and talk quite often on the phone to get scheduling down. However, I have absolutely no feelings for the guy other then friendship--we have been divorced for 4 years now. He, however would still like to "try" again--which I constantly tell him "we are just friends". I was engaged and the guy lived with me and the kids for three years--my ex husband and my relationship drove him batty--absolutely crazy. So believe me I understand your situation. Are there kids invloved here? If not--I would question BIG TIME why they still communicate at all especially so often. If there are kids involved-then they have to communicate--that's a must--but every day? How long has he been divorced also?? I seriously would wonder if he's truly over his ex wife. Doesn't really sound like he is to me--but without more information it's hard to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:20pm
Hey thanks for writing, I really appreciate it. No, there aren't children involved (at least as far as I know, haha.) They were married a few years and divorced two years ago. He's only 29 and from the bits and pieces I've put together, their divorce was awful. From advice I got from others (on another message board) it makes me out to be the insecure, snooping, and emotionally unstable one. I'm really not. I just don't want to waste my time if he's emotionally longing for someone else. Or someone who obviously has something to hide...

What I've come up with is this...I'm not angry for him talking to his ex-wife everyday. And I'd never tell anyone he can or cannot talk to certain people because I'd really hate it if someone did that to me. My problem is with the issue of hypocracy. You see, I bought my first house in August last year, at age 22, and had a lot of support and "muscle" from male friends of mine. None I had dated, just buddies who wanted to help me out...move the fridge, pull carpet...help paint, etc. After we started dating, every once and awhile, one of these friends would call to say hi and check up on me. He'd get super jealous and I hated it. It'd make ME feel guilty for an unsolicited call. Yet, he can talk to his ex-wife, someone he WAS involved, every day and expect me to be okay with it? It's a respect thing. The sneakiness is just icing on the cake...

My mom thinks I should talk to him about it but communication isn't my strongest suit. I can't just say, "Hey, I think it sucks you talk to your ex-wife everyday, I think your story about dear granny is a bunch of pooh, and I know darn well you aren't talking to Jim Beam on the phone...why rename her name to "JB" in your cell?" On the other hand, I can ask to give his ex-wife a call and check up on Grandma myself... ?

I'm frustrated. On top of that, the last couple weeks we've acted perfectly fine but he hasn't remotely expressed an interest in me. He used to hug me and kiss me, and thank me and at least say he appreciates me, all the time. Now, I could have a super model body and spray myself with a pheromone and I doubt he'd notice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 11:42am

Hon, I totally don't blame you for being concerned that your boyfriend is talking to his ex every day.... especially if there are no children involved.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 1:45pm
I agree with Jilly. You can't do anything but walk or accept it and keep quiet about it.

As far as why he's not being "loving" - I suspect this is because he is A. Upset with you for not trusting him (even if he is wrong, he may still be angry with YOU), or B.He's thinking of leaving you. (When a guy gets distant or acts less loving/interested, then he is almost definitely about to break up with you, at least that's been my experience).

If you don't trust him, then you need to leave him. If you do trust him, then you'll have to believe in him, or he WILL get upset with you (whether he has a right to or not).

I hope everything works out for you.