Stop talking to your ex-wife!
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| Fri, 06-25-2004 - 5:49pm |
About a month ago, I found out my boyfriend talks to his ex-wife on the phone everyday. Everyday...why?! I fretted about it for a few weeks (meanwhile seeing this trend continued each week) and 2 weeks ago confronted him about it. He casually explained he was close to his ex-wife's grandma and she's ill. Four weeks of talking to his ex-wife everyday...and that's the best he can do? Why not call granny directly? And why all the secrecy? I would have been fine if he was honest and said, "My ex-wife's grandma is sick and she's been calling to give me updates on her condition..." etc. And since our "little talk" (which did nothing to reassure me or put to rest my doubts and suspicions), he now clears his cell phone "call history" each night. Last I checked, people only do that when they want to hide something. A few days ago I noticed he re-named her in his cell phone to just initials...(for example: Jessica Brown, now it's "JB.) Oh come on!! What's the big deal if it's really just about dear ol' sick granny? Exactly my point...it's not. Earliest this week he also subtly hinted he'd like to fly to Utah to see Grandma. Yeah right. I need advice! I hate hypocrites, but he isn't putting himself in my shoes...he'd go insane w/ jealousy and turn into an angry jerk if the situation was reversed and I was talking to an old flame. Help!

What I've come up with is this...I'm not angry for him talking to his ex-wife everyday. And I'd never tell anyone he can or cannot talk to certain people because I'd really hate it if someone did that to me. My problem is with the issue of hypocracy. You see, I bought my first house in August last year, at age 22, and had a lot of support and "muscle" from male friends of mine. None I had dated, just buddies who wanted to help me out...move the fridge, pull carpet...help paint, etc. After we started dating, every once and awhile, one of these friends would call to say hi and check up on me. He'd get super jealous and I hated it. It'd make ME feel guilty for an unsolicited call. Yet, he can talk to his ex-wife, someone he WAS involved, every day and expect me to be okay with it? It's a respect thing. The sneakiness is just icing on the cake...
My mom thinks I should talk to him about it but communication isn't my strongest suit. I can't just say, "Hey, I think it sucks you talk to your ex-wife everyday, I think your story about dear granny is a bunch of pooh, and I know darn well you aren't talking to Jim Beam on the phone...why rename her name to "JB" in your cell?" On the other hand, I can ask to give his ex-wife a call and check up on Grandma myself... ?
I'm frustrated. On top of that, the last couple weeks we've acted perfectly fine but he hasn't remotely expressed an interest in me. He used to hug me and kiss me, and thank me and at least say he appreciates me, all the time. Now, I could have a super model body and spray myself with a pheromone and I doubt he'd notice...
Hon, I totally don't blame you for being concerned that your boyfriend is talking to his ex every day.... especially if there are no children involved.
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As far as why he's not being "loving" - I suspect this is because he is A. Upset with you for not trusting him (even if he is wrong, he may still be angry with YOU), or B.He's thinking of leaving you. (When a guy gets distant or acts less loving/interested, then he is almost definitely about to break up with you, at least that's been my experience).
If you don't trust him, then you need to leave him. If you do trust him, then you'll have to believe in him, or he WILL get upset with you (whether he has a right to or not).
I hope everything works out for you.