Strange first date situation - help
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| Tue, 12-13-2005 - 10:47am |
A guy I became very attracted to and I were chatting/phoning/and emailing with a sense of great potential growing by the minute. We decided to meet. This is where things got a little strange. What should I have felt, said or done? What would you have done if you were in my situation?
Very briefly prior to our first date, the guy told me that during a long dry spell, his cousin, his cousin's wife and he began a threesome that he claims no longer takes place and stopped several months ago. The cousin and his wife still swing regularly. The first time for the guy was on a cruise where the three of them were in one room and a g/f of his with no drive whatsoever was in the next cabin asleep. Hmm.
Anyway, early on in the evening that we met, his phone rang. He said, "Oh, it's Joanne" (the cousin's wife) and answered it. The next thing I know he is laughing and basically had a roaring reaction to something said and then himeslf said, "I wish I were there". After hanging up, he told me what the cousin's wife said -- "I wish your **** was in my mouth"! Let me add that his cousin and the wife knew he was out with a new woman at the time this call was made.
I was very taken back and not sure how to react, what to say or do. He claims that she "jokes around with him that way all the time". Personally, I thought it very intrusive and controlling on her part. Anyway and needless to say, this call and his response to it sent the evening and a sense of potential with this one into jeopardy. I had first date jitters to start with and what I describe above made it exceedingly difficult to just relax and be myself. Chemistry with this guy? Who would know?
No, I don't think the cousin threesome thing is a good sign but we all exercise improper judgement at times so I reserved my own judgemet until getting to know the guy a little better.
So, what do you think is going on? What is she up to having placed the call when she knew he was with a first date? How would you have felt? What would you have done or said?
Thanks for any and all input.
Konfused

konfused,
Hon, this guy has no tact or class! I'm appalled that he'd disclose something like that, and the fact that it happened with FAMILY, yuk! That alone, is a sign that he doesn't even respect his family, if he's willing to become a threesome participant with them. What his cousin and wife do on their time, etc isn't of concern to you ... alternative lifestyles work for a lot of people ... so, I'm not making a judgment on them ... but, rather, a judgement on HIM for being willing to partcipate with family.
Secondly, disclosing something like that serves no purpose. What was the point? To gauge your reaction? Past partners, sexcapade discussions, etc have no place or purpose in first date conversation. If anything, he's giving you a clue as to how LOW he's willing to go ... so, in that regard, you should be glad he revealed himself and choose to not see this guy again (at least, I wouldn't ... it's just tacky).
<< What is she up to having placed the call when she knew he was with a first date?>>
Hon, what's up with HIM that he answered the call is the REAL question! Is he trying to prove some point like "oh, look at how desireable I AM ... my cousin's wife wants me!" Tacky and disrespectful to you for him to answer that call and have that conversation in front of you.
<< How would you have felt? What would you have done or said? >>
Honestly, I would have excused myself from that date. It would be obvious to me that this guy and I don't share the same values or even close. So, why would I want to date him? Or even spend the rest of the evening with him with that level of disrespect. Seriously, I would have said "that's really tacky." I'm not an uptight person, in fact, I'm just about as "go with the flow" as a woman can be ... but, that's just classless. If he wants to think I'm a bitch, fine ... when you know who you are and what you want in a date, you don't really care what others think of you when it comes down to being who YOU are and affiliating with people who "mesh" with you.
<< we all exercise improper judgement at times so I reserved my own judgemet until getting to know the guy a little better.>>
He didn't exercise proper judgment on the date, either.
I'm not worried about the lady who called. I would think that your date would have told her, "Thanks for calling but I am a bit busy right now, I'll call you later."
Instead he has a pornographic discussion while you are right there. Sounds to me he is more of a player than you think.
First, this woman has no idea who you are, that you exist, or that he was with you at the time she called.
She's simply doing what she always does - making a lewd suggestion in light of the relationship they all shared and probably still do share....and his response indicates that he enjoys the attention, and the interaction.....and probably still the action as well.
This isn't intrusive on her part. At one time these three willingly were sucking, slurping, gobbling and smacking all over one another in bed, naked, and with physical pleasure being the only priority.
They do that alot.........they still do...that's why he's telling you this.
Because if he says it from the "past" perspective as in that used to be what I did - and you accept it, and you continue to date..when it comes up as an option he figures you won't "care" if he indulges - like he did with the previous girlfriend.
If he told you nothing about this - THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO ENSURE THOSE TYPES OF PHONE CALLS DO NOT COME IN WHEN YOU'RE AROUND. HE'd have to attempt to control any conversation or interaction while you're around and they're in the vicinity.
He doesn't want to limit his actions or interactions with them...he wants this out in the open. That he's in this sexual 3-some with them....perhaps others...so that maybe it'll be a foursome if you want in, or at least you can't claim ignorance if he still does it.
There's never a second chance to make a good first impression. If this is his idea of a good first impression for a date - telling you about a familial 3-some - I hate to think what the reality is going to be like when he "lets down the formalities".
When that happens - you'ld find out he was married to his second cousin - but now that they're divorced, and they only have two kids - it doesn't matter. He don't see them no more...he stays around his other cousins instead.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Erin,
She DID know I was there when she placed the call. She knew he was having a date with a new woman at the time she called.
which really should neither be here nor there. He chose to answer the phone and then proceeded to tell you what she said. Yuck!
IMO, that was WAY too much information for a first date. He shouldn't even be discussing sex with you at ALL on a first date! Doesn't sound like sex is very "meaningful" to him, or that he has much respect for you.
This was beyond a "bad sign". This guy is a dirt bag.
<< She DID know I was there when she placed the call. She knew he was having a date with a new woman at the time she called.>>
But, truly ... that is inconsequential. You weren't on a date with her, you were on a date with him ... it is HE who disrespected you by answering that call and having that conversation with her.
You're probably saying "well, I wouldn't have called if I knew someone I wanted to talk to was on a date" or "she shoudln't have called like that" ... right?
To that end, I'd encourage you to stop "shoulding all over yourself" (you can substitute the other "s" word in there, it's the same thing)
When you start "should'ing" ... you're crapping your intentions or what you would have done in the same situation upon someone else ... whenever we say to ourselve "he/she shouldn't have done that" ... that's what we're doing. And, at that, this is in regard to someone whom you don't know and doesn't know you ... so, neither of you owe the other anything. So, I'm not sure why you're focusing on what she did??
However, he did OWE you some BASIC courtesy, which was not exhibited by taking that call, having that conversation with her, and bragging about his threesome romps. Sorry, seems pretty scummy to me.
Hon, personally, I would be THROUGH with this guy.
Start
There are much better guys out there. Chalk this one up as a good story to tell your friends. He's obviously not mature enough that he answered his phone while he should have been paying attention to you, not to mention the content of the conversation.
Just walk away... the ball is in your court to do so. The last thing you want is to be the one who gets dumped by this guy! Ouch!
Seya
Why do we as women always jump to "blame" another woman for poor behavior? It was your date with the poor behavior. He was extremely disrespectful of you. You sensed it.
No man is worth that. None, never, no, nada, nix, nil and nay.
And I agree, if you see this on the first date, what do you think will come up a year from now, that there are women living in a pit in his basement that he feeds dog food to?
He's creepy. Seriously creepy.
Chick