strange night
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 08-01-2007 - 9:31am |
I will try to keep this short, as I always try to do.
The other night I had a guy friend over. I've been "hanging out" with him for about a year and a half off and on, mostly on. We've had s-x a few times but I really don't want to do that anymore because I just don't feel that way about him. Anyway, we were drinking brandy that night and I drank a little too much. I woke the next morning with him next to me in bed and we were both naked. I do not remember how that happened. I do not remember taking off my clothes and the way my clothes were scattered around my apt did not look like the way I would have normally put them after taking them off. He said he remembers all this stuff that we did (including sexually) and I don't remember ANY of that happening.
Did he take advantage of me? Can't a person tell when a person isn't aware of what is going on? He claims I was alert enough. Should I see him again? I kind of feel like I was violated! Was it my fault since I let my self drink too much?
All I know is never before could I not remember the night before and I can tell you it is not going to happen again. For starters, I am not ever going to drink brandy again!

It's a touchy thing because you have had sex with him before so it's not like you haven't been willing in the past.
Did you have any evidence of sex on your body, like semen on you or your clothes or sheets?
Did he drink just as much as you? Do you remember him drunk at all? If he wasn't drunk and you were, then I would say he did take advantage of you.
You are responsible for your own alcohol intake, thus responsible for blacking out and disrobing. However, a real gentleman does not take advantage of the situation, especially if he has real feelings for the woman because he would not want to screw anything up with a future relationship. While your guy friend may not shoulder all of the blame, he certain has no class or character.
As far as you seeing this guy again, that is up to you. I would not want to see him again if I knew that he took advantage of me.
I have only blacked out once. It was also a night that I drank hard dark alcohol.
Some alcoholic beverages can cause reactions that are bascially blackouts. I quit drinking hard liquor years ago because I was less prone to remember what I did when drunk. That said, I also don't drink to get drunk any more (and if I should, I'm usually with people I KNOW I'm safe with)
The fact that you don't remember what happened does not mean he took advantage of you. I have had this happen to me - got drunk, sick and puking and ended up in bed with someone who I never would have had sex with EVER sober - and he knew it. And the jackass had the nerve to brag about it afterwards. I put myself in that situation - he did take advantage of it because it was the only way he would ever see me naked. Since you guys have a FWB relationship, he may not have known that you were not willing, regardless of if you remember it or not. If he doesn't know you've changed your mind about that, then he needs to know and he also needs to know how you feel about this situation - that it made you uncomfortable - not that you think he did something. Because you DON'T know - and that fact is likely the most troubling thing here for you.
Have you ever had a conversation with him about not being sexual anymore? did he know you no longer wanted that? Do you have other reason to believe that he is not a good guy?
I'm not implying that you are wrong here - just throwing out possibilities. Part of feeling violated is not being in control - you can't remember therefore you can't be in control. If your history with him has shown him to be a good guy - go with what you DO know rather than focus on what you don't know. If his character has been sketchy all along - that plays a factor in your feelings. If you know him to be a good guy, then there is no reason to believe he is not being up front with you now.
No one likes blacking out - but it happens often. And people do things during blackouts that frighten them or they feel ashamed about when they find out. This could just as easily be the case here. Make it a rule to stay in control by not getting drunk.
That said - you have responsiblity here as does he. be honest with him without making him wrong or to blame - because it may have been 100% mutual. own your part in this and change what you can control - your own behaior.
Toni