String of disappointments

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
String of disappointments
10
Mon, 07-24-2006 - 9:48pm

Wow.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:45am

Hey, CGUN, I'm sorry to hear about your disappointments. It's tough when things don't work out especially when it seems to happen over and over again.

I don't know what to tell you about how to learn to not feel disappointments so deeply. I know I used to be a lot worse in that respect and to a certain extent, I just got tired of how hurt I was over and over again, so I learned to not let things affect me so much. But occasionally a guy or situaton slips past the outer shell of detachment I've learned, and I can still react in ways that are not proportionate to the situation.

I know things are not great for you financially right now so counseling is probably out of the question at the moment unless insurance will cover it...but perhaps once you get on your feet a little more that's something you can consider? I know that's one of the things that has helped me take a lot of things less personally and feel them so deeply.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 5:26am

Stacey..

Pianoguy has a question:

How quickly do you form attachments with the men you fall in love with?

Do they happen over a certain period of time? Or do your "instant attractions" make you believe that something more serious will eventually develop?

Whether you're unconsciously making the choice of men who also have other g/f's...or just happen to be unlucky at love (LONGTERM)....maybe you need to look at any new man as a DATE, and not necessarily as a potential "life-long partner?" Granted...most women don't want to invest their time on men who won't take a relationship up another level? But frankly...if a man has been BADLY HURT by other women in his past, he becomes a lot more cautious when it comes to making any sort of commitment to someone new.

So our pace with you will be a lot S-L-O-W-E-R...or in some situations...could gradually evaporate over time? I realize that this is the LAST THING any women want to hear, but the fact is absolutely TRUE!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 8:32am

Stacey:

I'm looking at your 4-strike record and also seeing the phrase "it wasn't meant to be" written repeatedly on your post. I'm thinking maybe there is a common denominator to your issues.

You "played it cool and still tried to flirt" hmmmmm. These men all seem to move on to other women and pass you by. Since I don't know you I can't pick out an obvious issue that needs to be addressed but here are some possibilities:

1. These men aren't getting a clear picture that you are available for dating. "Playing it cool" isn't getting the point across. You might need to get a bit more aggressive, which means you might get rejected but rejection gives you a clear indication that you need to move on and not waste your time. Hence, no wasted time with flirtation hoping for a date.

2. I don't know what you look like but if you have a few extra pounds I suggest losing them. It may help you with your dating objectives.

3. You are wasting your time flirting with the wrong men, in fact, you might be wasting your time flirting. Men like attention, any attention. They might feel they are getting attention from you which encourages you to flirt more, but if no date or interest is forthcoming then you are getting your hopes up needlessly and wasting your time.

4. If you are meeting these guys in a bar, get out of the bar. Things are much easier and less confusing when you are stone cold sober. If you get involved in a sports group or hobby group to meet datable men (and other fine people) they will be much more forthcoming and direct.

Two years ago I too was wasting my time with the wrong men and it was doing a number on my self-esteem. Once I identified the problem (chasing men that loved to flirt but refused to enter into a relationship) I stopped having problems. Now I quickly ask about recent dating histories to filter out men that aren't relationship material.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 9:13am

Thanks everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:09pm

First Stacey, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know it's rough. It makes me think of that saying that before the dawn, comes the dark... I know you'll pull out of this and be the better for it.


The other posters have great ideas and I don't think there's anything I can add. I do have a question though... in your head, what do you think "showing interest" is? What are you not doing that you think you should be doing to let these guys know you're interested? And is it possible that it's not your interest level, that subconsciously you're picking unavailable guys? (I went through a run with that.. actually still do at times! LOL)


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 07-26-2006 - 1:54pm
Hi Stacey, I, too, think the other posters had good ideas for you. In my experience, you don't have to go out on a limb to get a guy. Generally, just treating him differently than you do others gets the point across. It seems to intrigue them. So if you tend to flirt, be shyer around the guy you're interested in until he makes the first move, etc. Everyone has their own ways, of course, these are just suggestions. I just know that guys don't like taking risks other than calculated risks for the most part. In my experience also, people tend to pair-off fairly quickly. One hears of couples who have been friends for years and suddenly develop a romantic interest, but it doesn't happen very often, IMO. I agree with another poster that you need to show your interest more directly, but as I stated that might mean different things to different people. The main thing with romance is timing. "Strike while the iron's hot" so to speak. Sometimes people are receptive to romantic involvement and sometimes they're not. I, personally, don't think it has much to do with weight. A lot of guys will chase the thin girl superficially because it's more socially "acceptable". However, plenty of heavier girls get lots of guys because of the way they make them feel (italises added, I wish). I think you could find things turn-around for you but you've got to learn to play the game. No, I don't advocate game playing in a relationship, but let's face it, dating is competitive. By game I mean, keep your feelings to yourself until the timing is right. It's o.k. to tell a trusted girlfriend. It's hard to explain, but basically it boils down to that popular people are good at reading others. You might want to study body language, etc. You don't deserve to be disappointed. Romance needs to be intuitive. We're not neccessarily appealing to their intellects, rather their emotions. Emotions aren't always logical and one needs to take that into consideration. At any rate, I hope some of this rambling was somewhat helpful. Dating should be fun! You need to realize that you have lots of options, rather than loyally resigning yourself to one guy who may or may not be interested. Guys are wary of women who are too quick to settle, IMO. The ones who aren't are BAD news. I think with a little tweaking, your dating life could sizzle. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:54am

It seems that dating is either "feast or famine," like so many other things in life. Sometimes you have more guys interested in you than you can handle, and other times you go through this awful string of disappointments.

Obviously, I don't know you, so I can only speculate on why you've been getting "passed over" by men.

But it's clear to me that you're a smart girl and you seem to have good grasp on the realities of the men in and out of your life... in hindsight. But it sounds like you might have a habit of losing perspective when you're attracted to someone. By that, I mean that perhaps you're not paying heed to how inappropriate or inaccessible a guy is from the BEGINNING. I like what the last poster said: "It's hard to explain, but basically it boils down to that popular people are good at reading others."

Men will often tell you when they are good bets or bad news, through their gestures, behavior, history and sometimes even through their WORDS. You've got to pick up on those clues and stop ignoring them.

I wish I could tell you how to identify the bad seeds on sight (smile). But stop for a minute and look at guys from your past. Try and identify the habits, quirks and historical information you learned from them and see if you can't recognize the "red flags" as well as traits that made a guy a winner for YOU. Maybe you should even write your observations down. Then apply your little "danger list" at the FRONT END of a meeting with a man, and WEED EM OUT!

I don't mean to make this whole dating thing MORE complex than it really is. But I think there's merit in applying reason to anything, including dating, when you've been in a rut and you want to have better experiences.

Maybe you do need to be more aggressive... maybe you need to seem less eager. Maybe you're just fine the way you are. And from you have written on these boards, I tend to think there's nothing wrong with you as a person, other than possibly having a problem with your "man picker."

Better luck, hon. And keep letting us know how it's going.




Edited 7/27/2006 11:55 am ET by jilly73
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:34am

Thanks everyone...I've been trying to get on here to respond to the responses to my post all week, but during the day at work when I usually go on, I'm having issues with the site loading - for some reason, at work, the boards are so slow loading that I don't have the patience to wait, and I haven't been home to go on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 7:19am

Stacey...

PG knows all too well that the only way to AVOID "swimming with the sharks" is to test the waters first! Give yourself enough time to make sure the temperature (and the person you think you like) is right for you~

If you dive into ANY pool assuming that the water is 100% pure, you might come out of it with a damaged swimsuit!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 3:34pm

Hehehe....if only swimming with the sharks ONLY caused a damaged swimsuit.


Well, I've been going out this week and having a good time.