Stringing me along?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Stringing me along?
10
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:49pm
Ok. I've looked everywhere on the site and couldn't find something similar to my problem, so, here it is.

I met this guy at a bar, I made the first move. It was well received and he came home with me. We were together about once or twice a week after that, hanging out, going to museums, cooking for each other... he even came grocery shopping with me. On most days we didn't go out, we talked on the phone or emailed. This went on for about three weeks. Now, all of a sudden, he's become really unavailable. He's getting ready to go back to school, finishing up his internship, and trying to visit a few last places before he goes back (next week). I haven't seen him for two weeks, and I've been the one to call or email.

He said we'd get to see each other before he left, but it looks like he's just too busy. He's been working 13 hour days too. And, he's going to Niagra Falls this weekend, a place where he's always wanted to go-- with his buddy, his buddy's girlfriend, and another chick.

I'd discussed doing things with him after he went back to school (an hour away), coming up to see his lacrosse games, and he said he would arrange a scrimmage so I could come watch; the inclination towards future events and hanging out together was evident.

So is this guy just playing me, stringing me along? Or is he just too afraid to dump me straight out? Am I missing something? I don't want to call or email him any more so that I don't appear clingy, but I do want to know what's up. Should I email or call him and just ask him straight out?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 7:54pm
I think the lack of calls or emails on his part is telling you what's up. I'd move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:31pm
He's not stringing you along...you made a move, hooked up for sex, he's hung out when it's convenient for him - he's been honest and respectful.

he's hanging otu with other women and you, he's extremely busy with a full schedule...he'll service you when your number comes up...but if he'd have been wanting a relationship, he'd have asked you for a date - not just jumped into bed.

Why don't women get it.....men find us interesting,amusing, fun, sexy, desirable, and awesome....but that does not mean that they want to "commit" to us, or to future dates, or anything else.

What a man wants...is what he pursues.

He's probably been picked up before, even since he met you -and he did with her - waht he did with you.

YOU are not determine his actions - his values and priorities are.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 8:48pm
Actually, we have gone out on several dates-- tennis championships (where he even lent me his outer shirt when I was cold), the museum, shopping, and a movie. He said it's not about the sex, there's been times where he'd stay overnight, and from my experience, guys who want sex don't stay...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:04pm
Hon, the novelty wore off..he's moving on and you should do the same. The bar-home-museums-grocery shopping was OK for 3 weeks...now he wants so more excitment with some other women and to focus on his job, as he says.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:25pm
If you'd look at this from another perspective - you might get it.

You have emotional associations with certain activities - giving you his shirt in the cold, going grocery shoppig, staying overnight after sex. To YOU...based on your needs, your perceptions, your experience all that screams "potential relationship".

But he very likely does NOT have that same set of emotional associations. He probably is a "gentleman" and gets up for all the ladies on the bus when there is no available seat, and he gives his jacket to all his friends if they're cold and he's not. That's what "men do" that are raised with manners. But those manners don't indicate "I want a relationship, or I respect YOU as an individual".

You're saying the guy works a ton of hours, he is going back to school, he's got a full agenda....here's where you're "missing it".

It sounds like your life right now - the timing is right for a relatioship. A relationship is a huge job....it's considering the needs, requirements and goals of someone else equally with your own, making compromises and concessions appropriately with one another, and communicating all the time. The only real "benefit" of this huge job is companionship - which is conversation and shared interests and events and that is only a "benefit" that is warranted by this huge job if that is being done with someone that you trust, admire, respect, accept, and like as an individual...Not just for the fun, sex, and events they share at this moment in time.

Dating is about "right now"...there is no "future" in dating. It's about enjoying one another's company at this time, impressing the other person, finding it delightful that they find you so desirable, it's about you if you are looking for a relationship - to stand back and assess in the myriad of situations - if this person's actions, decisions and words are consistent and congruent..and in alignment with your needs, goals, standards, and guidelines for your life that you personally live by all the time.

Most women have no "wrong time for commitment"....but men quite often have "no time" for commitment because it involves sacrifice, equality based consideration of the partner's needs and goals, and it shuts off their options nad opportunities - not just to other women, but to pick up on a whim to go to Europe to work for two years, or to backpack in the Rockies for two weeks on their well deserved vacation with their buddies.

hey guy is NOT putting you on his priorities list...he's got work, school, he's got daily life reonsibilities to meet, he's hanging out with his buddies and other women.

It's probably just more convenient to spend the night after sex......and his offering you the sweater is what he would have done for any woman he was with in that situation......and dates are just about the moment and enjoying that event a little more because you have companionship.

I doubt seriously at this point - prioritizing getting to know you as a person, putting you on an equal proirity to do that with his school and work and other obligations is what he's up for. You're fun, sexy, sexual, interesting, charming, amusing, and beautiful - and whenever he's around you he has a good time.

But he's not thinking about anything past that....even when he's with you and certainly when he's not.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 12:55pm
I'm going to have to say I understand Erin's arguement here.

The words you used at the end of your post were, "Or is he just too afraid to dump me straight out?" I think you mistook what happened as a relationship with this man. You viewed the outings together as dates, you mistook him staying the night as wanting to stay with you rather than the convinient thing to do.

You can't expect to take a guy home from the bar in a one night stand scenario and suddenly want him to play house. I'm sure he had fun with you, and since he spent a few days with you, liked hanging out and hooking up. But he knew that it was just for fun and nothing serious.

Now he's gone back to his *normal* life and you are left confused.

You need to re-examine what you offer to men. If you are looking for a serious long term relationship, you cannot start out by taking some stranger home from the bar. Sure, it may work in the movies, but this is real life. No guy is going to say, "hey you know this chick is so good in bed I might just have to stick around and get to know her..." Look for the man who wants to get in your head, not your pants- then you'll find a real relationship.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 9:33pm
He made every indication that he wanted this to continue, like doing things in the future, coming back from school to visit, etc. Otherwise, I would have not let myself get emotionally involved.

Well, he's back from his trip and he still hasn't called or responded to the email I left him last week. I know he's busy trying to get ready to go back to school, finish up his internship, and all his sports teams... should I call him one more time and just ask him what's up? I mean, even if he says he doesn't want to see me anymore, at least I'll get peace of mind, right? Should I give him till tomorrow?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:11pm
I don't think he is thinking relationship with anyone right now.

You could be the best thing he has met in years and it wouldn't matter because he isn't thinking relationship.

He clearly enjoyes your company and you probably will see him in the future but as a date not a relationship.

Someday he may be ready for a relationship but I would in the meantime date others and if another relationship presents itself , take it.

Don't feel guilty about meeting a guy at a bar and going home with him.

Half the people I know hooked up like that and later married.

When it's the right time it doesn't matter how or where it just happens.

If he is in school he is probably a long time from a relationship.

Take advantage of meeting and going out with guys

Someday you will be married and wished you had done more in your single life. So do it now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:05pm
You want to call him to get some kind of closure. So what happens when you call again and he doesn't answer or call back? After too many of those phone calls the guy will feel like you're stalking him. Just leave it be. He's got your number, he'll call if he's interested in seeing you again. If not, you had a good time, right?

I would suggest that you try not to put yourself in to this type of situation again.

I hope that you go out and meet some guys and go for dates and get to know them and their intentions. But don't waste your time chasing someone who isn't up for it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 1:51pm
WHY can't he take you to Niagara Falls with him?? Since he isn't doing this, it seems he has no serious intent with you. I would take that as a huge red flag that he is finished.

I'd take a big step back now if I were you! Sorry.