stuck in a hopeless cycle.. plz help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
stuck in a hopeless cycle.. plz help!
6
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 6:38am
Hi everyone,
Thank you for reading my message! I'm desperate for some usefull advice because I can't take anymore heartache! Here's my problem: Somehow I keep falling for men that aren't interested in me. THey are always men that are desparate for attention and flirt with every pretty girl. Somehow I always end up thinking he actually really likes me, but that's never the case.. One of these guys I was in love with for 6 years when I was in Highschool and he dated three of my friends.. The other one is my roommate and he has a girlfriend but he flirted shamelessly with me when I first got to know him and he even ended up in my bed twice (nothing really happened) although I knew it was so wrong and stupid, I just couldn't resist him.. After a few months I told him I actually really liked him and he has been a jerk to me ever since.. Right now he has been seducing my newest roommate (we live in a mixed studenthouse with 20 people) and yesterday he was flirting with her again right in front of me (he still has that girlfriend!) and I think they might have kissed or slept together..
Why do I keep falling for these assholes?! I'm 21 years old, still a virgin and I have never had a boyfriend.. I don't want to deal with my heart being broken all the time! Plz can anyone help me with this??
xoxo lots of love
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 8:16am

There is probably a very good reason why you are falling for jerks. But since I don't know you I can't possibly tell you what it is. I would strongly recommend that you take advantage of the counseling services available at your local university, they might be able to help.

The good news is that you are recognizing the issue for what it is and are prepared to do something about it. You are ahead of 80% of other women out there.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 6:46pm

Liesje2006~

When I was reading your post I couldn't help but see myself in your shoes a few years ago. I swore that if I was in a room of 50 men, 49 of them being nice and 1 jerk I would pick the jerk. I even dated quite of few of these jerks and left with a very broken heart. It is so frustrating and like you have said it can leave so much heartache. I think women these days have just come to accept poor behavior for their partners or potential partners. I can't tell you how many girlfriends I have that get dumped on by their significant other or like you by guys who appear to be interested. We all need to learn and grow from our past experiences some of the best tools to help us do that is literature. One of the best books that was recommended to me was "He's just not that into You," by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo writers from Sex in the City. It is the no excuse guide to men, so to say. But what is really neat about the book is that Greg and Liz are telling their readers to demand more, to expect more, not to settle and to wait for the guy who will realize just how fabulous we are. The problem is that we (women- we're all guilty) are for falling for men who in truth just aren't that into us and that's where we get hurt. It sounds a bit cold but the truth is if they were that into you then there would be none of this nonsense on the side! And it's their loss if these guys can't see just how sexy, smart, and fun you are then honey, they are NOT worth your precious time! Give the book a shot see if it helps, it did for me.

But if anything, please try to see just how wonderful you are and that the loser guys aren't worth your time especially if they are flirting with you and your whole house!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 10:37pm

Here's one thing to do: when you see a guy who is obviously flirtatious with many different women, stay away from him. Don't keep making the mistake of thinking that the attention he's showering on you today is any different from the way he will behave with the next 20 women. A flirt isn't going to hang around you for long, because a guy like that is mainly interested in the GAME, and not a real relationship.

I'm not saying you're not special enough to keep the interest of those guys. You ARE special, and that's my point. You're TOO good to waste your time with someone who can't stop playing long enough to know and care about you.

You should give your attention to a man who seems to be more selective. I think it would be a good idea for you to check out quieter types... not the guys who are running around and dabbling with all the females in your house.

And I think you've been smart to hold off on having sex with the type of guys you've been dating. My guess is you would feel a lot worse if you gave your virginity to someone who didn't really care about you.

Keep taking care of yourself... be open and approachable to non-flashy guys, and ignore the hounds.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Sun, 09-10-2006 - 7:11pm
Thank you all for your advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 10:04pm
Did it again.... With another guy this time, who I now know is a total bastard and who apperantly allready cheated on his girlfriend before with a friend of mine... Well.. he's just another typical guy.. I'm gonna seek proffessional help, I'm sick of this!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 9:48pm

Believe me, I am in same shoes as yours!!!!!! :-( Since forever! The only difference being.....I have loved these few guys...who were overall decent men...but who were very DETACHED and DISTANT. Not romantic at all. Who needed lotsa space, were not too emotive and open about their feelings and were quite unpredictable and the independant sorts if you know what I mean. I don't know what it was about them....but I had amazing chemistry with them...I adored them, I got along great with them, and I fell in love with them completely. But nope. They were just not that into me, even though it SEEMED like they wanted to be with me. Somewhere along the way, they disappeared. I have been getting my heart broken, again, and again, and again since years. Including right now, when I pine away for this man in my life, (since the last 10 months now) who says he is just not ready for a relationship. He was the one who pursued me. The ironic thing is I never fall for guys who fall for me. I just know I don't love them, and never would, not in THAT way. And hence, I never took it much further. All those guys, who were very much eligible, good men, who could have loved me a lot, I let them go. And here I am, the pathetic me, chasing these guys, who I feel are special to me, who clearly, aren't out there to "have" me. It hurts. I have been hurting forever. I have cried enough tears all these years. And I ask God, when all this will stop. When will I find a great guy, who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. When. It has been 10 years since this has been happening. What's the guarantee it won't happen again for the next 10 years? Why me? What am I doing wrong? Am I destined to be single? What do I do about the fact that I cannot fall in love with these other men? It's not that I haven't tried. I did try. I went out with this one guy for a year, and I still felt nothing. He is still in my life, in another country, he stays in touch, and I know he is single, and he still loves me. I dated this other guy for almost a year.......spent hours and hours together, every single day....shared all the good stuff together, had fun, worked, cried, played together. had a good, complete, proper time with him, yet felt nothing at the end of it all. Poor guy, how long could he have waited? He eventually realized that I am just not that into him. I felt so helpless! I tried! We parted ways quite silently. And there are other guys, who I never gave a chance to. I just refused straight up when they showed their genuine interest in me.

I have not been to a counselor yet, but I would be interested to talk to an experienced counselor. Not someone who will just listen, but someone who can actually give great feedback, and help me explore why this is happening. It seems like a big task, to find such a person. I have just never taken the initiative to do this...

All I can tell you is that I perfectly know how it feels. It hurts like crazy. The heart is forever heavy and sad, and it's as if, given the thought, we'd tear up anytime. Pining for something, but never getting it. Hoping and getting disappointed, again and again.

One thing I have realized is that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to go away from the person u love. But if you can do it, it helps I feel. Have your own life going on. Most guys can't take the needyness or emotions of a woman. The farther she goes, sometimes, the more interested they are. So sometimes, I do feel, that my intense, sincere emotions destroyed things. It was too much for them maybe. If I had held back, if I was the one a bit distant and busy, and if I was emotionally and mentally stronger, maybe things would have been different? So hold your own, and keep reminding yourself that your life does not revolve around only that one guy. It's a good thing to remember, in anycase. I would also suggest going slow enough with a new guy, to carefully read what he is about. Attraction can blind us sometimes. Look at his qualities. If you get a hunch that he is probably a heartbreaker, you are probably right. Intentionally choose the non-flirty guys and get to know them. Give it a try.

I know how you feel.
*Hugs*.

Here's wishing you a GREAT guy you will love--someone just made for you!