stuck in the middle...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
stuck in the middle...
3
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:26am

Ok, so I met this guy a while back (maybe 3 months ago). We got along, he ended up asking me out on a date, we've been dating for about a month and a half now. He's a really great guy - generous, funny, polite, etc. Problem is that he has some major control issues. Things HAVE to be his way, or he gets extrtemely frustrated and/or angry. I'm not just talking about with me, it's that way with everything. His burger takes 2 minutes longer than he thought it should at McDonalds? "What part of my burger confused you? What took so long?"... it is so embarrassing. So I've decided that there is no way I could ever have a "real" relationship with him because I just couldn't deal with that long term.

I don't want him out of my life though. I'd like for us to stay friends, because he really is a very nice, wonderful, polite person... unless you do something that veers from his little "plan". Also, I started helping him with his business right around the time we also started dating, and I would like the business relationship to continue. He has always said that if something happened to the dating end of things, he would like to remain friends, that he cares alot about me. I don't know quite how to tell him though.

The added problem to this is that a few days ago, I ran into an exboyfriend I hadn't seen in two years. We ended up talking until the bar closed, then went for coffee after. The next day he called and said he had an extra ticket to a concert him and some friends were going to and would I like to come. I went, we had a ball, and even though nothing happened, there was definetly some chemistry going on between us. He knows I am dating someone else, and I have a feeling that he was holding back because of it. I don't even know if I want anything to happen between us, but I know that there is no future with the person I am seeing now. I don't want to tell the guy I am dating that I don't want to see him because of "x y z", and then end up dating my ex and he thinks I broke it off with him because of that. Any advice or another perspective would be great here. (My ex and I broke up amicably btw)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 11:52am

Hi there. The only thing I see as an issue from what you say is that these two things are happening in tandem, which makes it confusing IMO. I would just be afraid that one thing is instigating the other -- I mean, maybe the hopes of rekindling something with your ex is pushing you to break it off with your current bf prematurely. But maybe it's just bad timing.

Before getting further involved with the ex, which I assume you had good reasons to end it with, I'd have a talk with the current bf about the control issues and how they make you feel in certain circumstances. It might be that no one has drawn his attention to it before (and I have to say that I would also be very embarrassed with that odd behavior). He might see that as something he wants to change (yikes, I hope so). And if he's wonderful in all the other ways you mention, maybe it's worth giving him another chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 1:48pm
Unfortunately, he is well aware of his control issues. He fully admits he has them, and has said it isn't something he can change. Which is why I know I should jsut end it, since I could never be with someone long term who knowingly acts that way. I think that wanting to see what might happen with my ex is not causing me to reach this conclusion, but I certainly think it is part of the reason I am trying to do it now rather than wait it out any longer.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-02-2006 - 2:16pm

Definitely do it sooner rather than later then...that will have the added benefit of making it easier to transition to being platonic friends (it may only take a couple weeks of no or minimal contact for both of you to get over your romantic feelings for each other so you can be friends).

I would let him know that you've enjoyed spending time getting to know him but you've realized that the two of you are not compatible for the long-term as romantic partners and you'd rather be platonic friends with him. I wouldn't get into the specifics (he will know if he's been paying attention at all)...just keep it general. After just 1.5 months, that's all that's necessary, IMO.

Sheri