surviving the most painful breakup, HOW?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
surviving the most painful breakup, HOW?
7
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:27am
I don't even know where to begin. Everything was going so incredibly well and then all of a sudden, out of NOWHERE, he dropped this bombshell on me and now I feel like the ground has just crumbled beneath my feet. I can barely stand and I'm so extremely depressed, I NEED HELP!!

I have been dating exclusively the same man for nine months. It all started last December, and everything was fine until April when he broke up with me once. We had a huge fight and it ended. Well, three weeks after he broke it off with me, he came crawling back & I let him back into my life. Everything was great until I moved away for 3 months and we did long distance. Well, I didn't it, so in August, I broke it off with him. I felt that during the distance, I didn't know him, and I decided I didn't want that. But i knew that in the following month of September,I'd be moving back to where he was to go back to school. When I got back, he started calling again, and I missed him, so i decided to go on one date with him. It was SO EASY and I missed him SO MUCH, and it was just incredible getting back together...more incredible than in the past.

That was two weeks ago...for two weeks, it was SO PERFECT. And its not like it was a new relationship because I had been pretty much with him the whole time. When he and I kissed for the first time this time, it was magical...I literally almost cried...I felt like he and I were in the same place. a week after we got back together, we got drunk one night and he told me this: "I'm falling in love with you, and I missed you every day that you were gone and there's no one else that I want or would want, you are the one I want." Mind you, he was drunk, so I didn't think anything of it at all. And he nor i ever brought it up after that. But after this incident, he started calling me his girlfriend again in front of his friends, which I thought was unusual because when I broke up with him in August, I took that away...but I didn't think anything of it. Then three nights ago, it was my best friend's 21st birthday, so I went out to help him celebrate. He had something else to go to that night too, so we both decided that we'd meet up after. Well, i had a couple of drinks and when he and I met up (he was sober) I stupidly said, "I want to be your girlfriend, I want you to be my boyfriend." He said, "ok". and I thought nothing of it. when he and I woke up the next morning, everythign was completely normal. We even had even more special close moments that even scared me, but made me so happy because I knew we were doing so well. he even said that he wanted to take me to a romantic dressup dinner in the following two days.

Then, two days later as I'm getting excited about this "dinner" (this is last night), he calls and says that he's been thinking about us. Then it happens. He CALLS and says that he's not ready to give me the boyfriend/girlfriend term and that he wants to be free adn that he wants me to be free. I can't even comprehend this because a week prior to this, he was calling me that to his friends, and now its all changed? Then, he says that he feels like he's going to hurt me. He said that in the past, whenever he's felt this way about a girl, he's always cheated on her, and that he wants to break up with me now to "protect" me and to save me the pain later. So I asked if there was someone else or if he did something, and he says, "there's other people I'm interested in dating right now." I CANT UNDERSTAND THIS!!! one week hes "i love you, i want to be with you, i miss you, my girlfriend," and now he's "i don't want to even be around you or talk to you, i want you out of my life."

THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY PAINFUL. I can't even tell you the Hell i've been going thru...i can't sleep because all i think about are these other people he wants to see instead of me. everything was sooo great...there were absolutely no red flags. And he called me on the phone because he was too much of a coward to look me in the face?? I couldn't even get out of bed this morning...another thing, after he told me this on the phone, and as I was crying, he hung up on me because he couldn't listen to me cry anymore...but i wasn't going to let him go without telling him I loved him, so i called him and told him that.

I don't know how to get over this. i keep having this hope that he'll call me and come back, but i know thats so stupid and naiive. But he did last time...he hasn't called since I told him I love him and I'm thinking that he's wanting to be with someone else. How can someone go from one emotion to the next so quickly?? I did nothing...I didn't want to go back to him two weeks ago, and even though its only been two weeks, I am so devastated. Can anyone think of anything that I can do? I'd like to hit him, but I don't think that's too constructive.

I need your prayers and positive thoughts...thank you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 9:11am
mn0883...

Pianoguy feels badly that your relationship didn't work out...and KNOWS how badly you're hurting...but has an honest question for you:

"What security do you have when you date 'a switch-hitter?'" The answer is NONE!

Even though the long-distance problem messed things up, there were problems in April (with your first breakup), right? What this man has shown you during the succeeding months is his LACK OF ABILITY to make a commitment. Oh sure...you can have a couple of nice 'overnights' together...but that's all these are.

Your biggest hang-up is not letting him go...because YOU want him so badly. And HE KNOWS THIS! So he can continue to push your buttons and "play you like a harp" when he's in the mood! Don't you think you deserve to be treated better?

Try and get past the hurt, learn from your experience, and realize that "ROMANTIC MAGIC" has to be honest on both sides...not just yours. Best wishes, warm thoughts and a few prayers from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:00pm
Yea, I think you're right about the fact that he knows that he can "play me like a harp" because he has been for a while now. It is unfair to me and I should try and look past the temporary satisfaction that I get from getting back together with him, and just look to the pain that I've received over the past 9 months.

However, do you have anymore advice to give to me on how to not go back when (or if) he does come crawling back? You're right, now there would be definitely no security with him, but for nine months, he never did anything like dating anyone else...even when he and I were apart over the summer...do you think that was just because he couldn't find anyone then or was it because he didnt want to?

thanks for your advice...it means more to me than you know.

=o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 1:14pm
How do you KNOW he wasn't with anyone else in that time? Were you with him 24/7?

I think the only way that you won't allow him back in is to actually focus on the pain he has caused. Then you can say, if I take him back, he will do this to me again. And if you take him back and he doesn't hurt you? You will be constantly on guard waiting. Is that a way to live?

He's immature and doesn't deserve you. He had a good thing, but chose to follow his **** instead of his heart and dumped you. So he'll play around with these other girls and maybe he'll realize what he's given up, but by then you'll be with a guy who treats you like the princess you are and you won't even have the time of day for the jerk.

You need to stand up and dust yourself off and go out and have fun. Spend some time alone getting re-aquainted with yourself. Have some fun with your female friends. Go out on some dates with no intention of getting serious with anyone.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 7:26pm
I was in a relationship that was pretty much the same as yours (no distance to long distance and back again, numerous break-ups, confused feelings, etc.) I learned that the guy I was dating was insecure, immature, and most of all, he didn't know what he wanted in a relationship.

I'll make this simple... don't hope that he calls and asks you back. He's playing a game and he knows you're weak enough at this point to take him back, no questions asked. Trust me. I was in your position. I told myself I wasn't blinded by love, but I was. Now I can't believe I let him break up with me twice. I broke up with him the final time and it was the best decision I could have ever made for myself.

I know you're hurting now, but you're going to hurt more if you decide to stay with him. I think you'll be a lot happier being single than having someone constantly play with your emotions like your guy is doing. It's easier said than done, but I don't feel like this is the best situation for you. You deserve better than this. It will take some time to get over, but you'll be better off and you'll thank yourself later for not wasting your time on this guy that obviously has no clue what he wants in a relationship. Let him waste someone else's time. You can find someone so much better.

Chin up and good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:08pm
I dont know, I know that in the long run, I'm better off without him, but the awful thing is, I keep on thinking about him! I keep thinking that he's going to call and ask for me back and say that he's made the biggest mistake ever. So instead of moving on and picking up the pieces that I have in front of me, I keep waiting. I feel like that's all I'm doing is just waiting...and its killing me.

It might be because there hasn't been any closure yet. I mean, this was all SO incredibly sudden, with just a random phone call one night, he broke up with me. He did it in the initial phone call that was 2 min long because after it i hung up on him. Then, I called him back an hour after and apologized for hanging up and being irrational, but this time I was crying and he and I fought. It was so ugly, and now I feel like because I was crying, that I looked just so pathetic and ugly to him. Sad, but true. But while he and I were fighting, HE hung up on me because he "couldn't deal with it." The last time i talked to him was an hour after that, where I wrote down everything I wanted to say, asked him to listen, and told him that the reason I was so upset in the previous phone call was because I love him. And then since I was too chicken and too broken to hear his response, I hung up on him after that...

WHAT DO I DO???? It's slowly killing me that he never called back after i said I loved him or just calling in general, and I can't move on because he's not calling me. I'm so afraid and scared right now that he's NEVER going to call again because he "can't deal with it." IS THAT GOING TO HAPPEN??? This is driving me completely crazy, I feel just frozen and that i can't move...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 8:39pm
I feel for the pain you're going through. The trouble is, this guy probably just likes the thrill of the chase. Think to the future, if you got this guy. He'd be bored with a stable, caring relationship and be constantly looking in different directions. It's not you, your deficiencies or personality or anything, that made him take-off. He just simply chases after rainbow's ends. There are no ends. That's what he doesn't get. Why does a dog chase his tail? For the same reason men chase "tails". He's pathetic. You need to start thinking of him as he finally admitted he really is, instead of the probably idealized image he presented. I'm sorry for your pain.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2004
Tue, 09-21-2004 - 10:14pm
This sounds exactly like a message I would have posted on this board a month ago when I was still in a relationship with a guy very much like the one you're describing. I see myself in your shoes months ago and I wish you knew what it's like to be on my end, knowing that you're better off without him.

I know he's on your mind a lot. It's so hard to quit thinking about him and restrain yourself from calling him. But you really need to. If he's taking the wussy way out by hanging up on you, that should be more incentive to quit calling him. It's just going to frustrate you more. I take it you're still a college student? I have no idea, but hopefully you can keep plenty busy with your schoolwork. Or a job. Or both! If you don't have a lot going on right now, I know it's easier to think about him all the time. Even if you're really busy, I suggest writing your feelings out in a journal before attempting to call him and getting your emotions out to him. It really helped me. It can be a paper journal or an online one (there's livejournal.com and greatestjournal.com, to name a few). Once you get those feelings out, you're going to feel so much better. You're going to be less likely to call him, in my opinion.

I can't tell you if he's going to call you or not. He's obviously confused, immature, insecure, and just a downright bastard. I have a feeling that if you don't answer his calls or listen to the messages he possibly leaves, you're going to have a better perspective of your life without him. Trust me, I was in your shoes less than a month ago. And I feel so much better now than I did worrying all the time, crying, stressing, and hurting... over what? A complete bastard? NOT worth my time (nor yours!)

Again, I know it hurts, but you're going to be so much better off if you just take some time off from him and go about your life as if he wasn't in it. I know what it's like to have closure. I'm the same way. I'd rather know he's a complete bastard than a nice guy that just doesn't want to be with me. But if you want to keep fighting and ending up worse off than you are now, then that's your call. I'd opt for keeping out of contact with him. If he calls, don't answer. Even if you're available. Just let it ring and let him leave you a message. If you want to listen to it, fine. But don't call him back. If you want to be with someone that's so indecisive and that's going to keep changing his mind about how he feels about you, then you're better off alone.

Please be strong about this. It frustrates me that I didn't know what I know now sooner. I wish that you'd realize you're better off. I hope you can figure something out.