surviving a really nasty break up

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2003
surviving a really nasty break up
2
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 5:54am
I was with my my ex-fiance for 2 years, it was a long distance relationship. I thought he was so different than all the other men I've ever dated, I trusted a man for once, YES...for once in my life, and it was him. I'm the girl with a commitment phobia, never was in a long term relationship till I met him. Had always cheated on every man I'd been till I met him,his name is M. I've never known how it felt to love somebody, truly love them till I met M. Everything fell apart when I found out he was cheating online. Trust has always been a big issue for me and I'm really the type who will tell you things the way it is regardless if it hurts your feeling. I have a very strong personality and intimidate most people, men and women. I was never a bitch and everybody's very judgemental and always thought I'm one. For a moment I thought M was infatuated with me more than anything. His ex wife (well, not technically since they never got legally divorced, but she took off with his kid after he sent her a letter asking for a divorce) was the typical traditional housewife, listened to him and let him do whatever he wants. He said he didn't like that at all.
But anyway, after he lied when I caught him cheating online, I coudn't trust him anymore. but I took him back even though I was really bitter about the whole thing still. Right after that, he had some family problem, got depressed and broke up with me, only for me to find out 2 weeks later that I was pregnant. Things gotten really bad and he had said some mean and nasty stuff that I couldn't possibly thought he could ever say. My heart was broken. But dumb enough, I took him back. I guess I was tired of being negative and bitter about the whole trust issue and I decided that this time I will take a chance, just once in my life. And then i found out he was meeting some girls on a club and took their numbers and called them at 3 in the morning and told the girls he had just got out of a long term relationship. I was liveth. I broke up again and we got back again, of course. I'm a very vindictive woman and I strongly believe that people should get what they deserve ten times more. Reason for that being I don't like to judge people and I don't backstab people cause I have no problem telling them how I feel. I've been called bitch, stuck up..everything, though they agree I've never done anything to hurt them. I felt that my boyfriend needed to be reminded of what a screw up he is constantly because he seemed to think that it was just A MISTAKE being an a**hole while I was carrying his child. I got an abortion, by the way. And then I was pregnant for the second time and he had told me he was gonna be there, and he neve left. But he was pisssed when I told him I was thinking about keeping it, even though he said that he'll be there if i decide to keep it. I lost my trust and respect toward him ever since that. I was still with him, I broke up with him constantly when I was mad, just to hurt him. He said he was getting tired of it and I stopped and I realized that I truly loved him and we both screwed up. Finally, he broke up with me again a week ago. I got a second abortion by the way.
He said he coudn't stand being verbally abused by me and he feels like he has to change to be with me even though I didn't ask him too. I'm so hurt, then of course just like the 1st time, he told me that over email, and yet mad when I told him he has no balls to tell me to my face or over the phone. Now he's being completely rude and mean and nasty about everything. I'venever seen this side of him before, it really hurts me and deep down I know we could never be together again because I'm just so hurt and most of me are blocking everything up. He had said about how miserable he was for the past 2 years and how he wished he was with another girl instead of me for that 2 years. I just don't understand what happened, why did he even bother trying to gain my trust back, drove for 9 hours to see me and propose to me and drove back the next morning. Why was he so adament about marrying me? The thought of getting married (to any guys) never even occured to me till I met him. I am so mad and frustrated cause he won't tell me anything. I feel like I have to know everything for my own peace of mind. Yet he despise me so much.
I know I'm not letting this go, I know why he's really pissed now, but all I asked was for him to tell me why??? I can't let go without knowing that yet he won't even give me that. I don't hate him, I changed a lot because of him. I'm not as bitter I used to be. I still love him and he always has a place in my heart. I need to know if there's anything that I can do to get an answer from him. By the way, I did start cheating on him again ever sinve he broke up with the 1st time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 10:00am
most of the time people do NOT get resolution from their ex partner and they have to create it for themselves, like you do now. It would do you a lot of good to find out why you cheat...work on yourself so that you can leave all this drama behind you and have a healthy relationship for once. Why are you drawn to drama? That's the question.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 10:41am

The "why" doesn't matter. You need to focus on why the two of you are not right for each other (him still being married, and him cheating on you definitely go on that list).

Rather than focusing on getting answers from him (which hardly ever happens, and even when it does, the answers never are never enough), I'd get yourself into counseling and figure out why you would stay in this r'ship for so long.

Sheri