Taking advantage or OK?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Taking advantage or OK?
7
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 3:07pm
I have been seeing a man for the past few months. I am just looking for a casual friends/sexual relationship as I am separated-not divorced & not looking for anything serious. He, on the other hand has been single for a long time & looking for a girlfriend. In the very beginning, I was very upfront with how I felt & he was upfront that he cares for me more than I care for him & that's OK with him. About 2 months ago I told him I didn't think we should see each other-my feelings weren't progressing & his were. He said he didn't think we should stop, so we saw each other a few times, but no sex involved. Then, gradually, we've started having sex again. I just do not feel like I will fall in love with him, but I do enjoy his company. He on the other hand, brought me flowers last week & said " have I told you how much I love you this week?" I just don't know if it's right for me to continue seeing him because I know I am not going to fall in love. The reason I do is because he's a wonderful man & treats me great. Is it wrong to continue seeing him knowing his feelings will be hurt when I eventually do end it,even though I've been upfront?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:00pm

Yes, I think it is wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 4:08pm
I think you should stop seeing him. Although you've told him loud and clear what your feelings and intentions are (and aren't), he's showing signs of emotional unhealthiness to "not care" and want to continue, pouring on the "love" and affection, no doubt hoping in vain for you to "see the light" and fall for him. Or...maybe deep down he really doesn't want a commitment so you are ideal for him. In any case, the bottom line is you're feeling uncomfortable with the way things are going, so don't continue down this path.

When will your divorce be final? Please be careful having casual sexual relationships b/c it's not a very safe thing to do nowadays IMO. Although I'm not very experienced in relationships of that type, it seems to me from all the related posts on the ivillage boards that it's a rare occurance for a casual sexual relationship not to leave one or the other party feeling hurt. It's human nature to form emotional attachments with someone you're being intimate with. But good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 5:51pm
I have been involved with men who cared much more for me than I did for them, and I felt I had no choice but to break it off. I simply cannot stand "taking" from someone and not being able to return his full affection. It really bothered me, and it seems to bother you too.

You only wanted a casual sex relationship, but now you know he wants something more.. something you cannot give. It will be kinder in the longrun for you to cut him off. It will hurt him and he may protest. He might say he KNOWS you don't love him and he doesn't care. But YOU be big enough to care, for the both of you. He should be set free to find someone who will be as excited about him as he is about you.

There are men out there who would be happy to have casual sex with you, if that's what you want. Just be careful you don't get yourself caught in the "strings" nobody expected.

Good luck.



Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:49am
the compassionate and kind thing to do is let him go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 3:26pm
This is so hard! It's very difficult for me to tell someone who has been great to me that it's not working out. I have been out of the dating game for awhile (13years) & he is the first person I've become involved with. The last time I tried to tell him I couldn't see him anymore, I ended up agreeing to see him on a "friends" basis, but as I said, eventually, we started sleeping together again. I am not looking for or ready for a "real" relationship right now as I said & I know it's not fair to him. I will let him go, but I fear that he will try to talk me into continuing & that it's OK that I'm not in love with him. Any words of advice on how to gently say -I'm not & will not fall in love, therefor, let's stop seeing each other?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:13pm

I think you have to be direct (which doesn't mean you can't be gentle), so I'd say pretty much what you wrote at the end of your post.


As for trying to talk you out of it, I'm sure he will!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:28pm
i'm not going to sit here and dictate what you should do and shouldnt do w/ your life

but what if the situation was reversed. how would you feel if you were being taken advantaged of and taken on a rollercoaster.

just something to think about

also - dont try to be nice about it either. that's what got you in the a$$ the last time. be upfront, mature and adult about it and tell him