Taking a Break

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2006
Taking a Break
5
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 11:16pm

I'm at college, and my relatively new boyfriend said he wanted to take a break in our relationship but not 'necessarily break up' after we got back from Christmas break. He said he still had some feelings for an ex-girlfriend he wanted to get over and he really needed to improve his grades. As lame as the last part sounds, it actually makes sense for him. He's really competitive and we had been spending a lot of time together, and that could be a partial reason why his grades weren't as good as he hoped. He said I could see other guys and he mockingly suggested a couple that we both know I would never go out with, and then he said he didn't want me to just forget about him. I have a friend here that went to high school with him, and she's the person who set us up. She saw him a week after we took our break, and he was asking how I was holding up. We just started classes on Wednesday, and I had one with him. I didn't want to stare, so I just didn't look at him. Later that day, he asked our friend what I said about him after class because I wouldn't even look at him. The next night he invited me over to see his new room, and I went. He did the proprietary hand on the back thing when we walked and he gave me a hug when I left (We went out about a month before he kissed me the first time). Earlier today our friend was telling one of her friends about the terrible day I was having, and she said he looked over and started eavesdropping when he heard my name.

So my questions are these: What is going on? Do you think the break is a break with an intention of getting back together or just a way to break up with me?

We could be really good friends, but at the same time, I would like to be his girlfriend. I love being around him. If I ask him if our break had the intention of getting back together or if it was a way to break up, would it ruin our friendship? We have the same major, and I will be sharing classes with him for the next few years. I don't want to feel weird around him.

I sort of think he probably thinks I hate him. Could I do something to subtly indicate I'm still willing to have a relationship with him?

Really, I just want to know if there's a good chance we'll get back together or if I should just jump back in the dating pool (something I really don't want to do).

I would love some advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 12:55pm

I think at this point you should wait, but not for him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Sat, 01-28-2006 - 2:09pm

If you want to take the "mature" approach to this, let him know that you've decided it would be best for both of you that you break up. I'm not a big fan of "taking a break" but not necessarily breaking up. That is, in "mature, adult relationships" ... people make a choice, decide to take on a relationship or end it. "Taking a break" leaves both people in limbo, and limits the "moving on" process.

That is not to say that you won't get back together; however, that will most likely only happen if one of you steps up and makes the mature decision to end the relationship as it is ... and you have to decide for yourself what your boundaries are in terms of your interaction with him, as well as what it will take, what will need to change in order for you guys to re-pursue the relationship.

But, taking a break just limits both people in terms of moving on ... it's one half holding onto a relationship and one half hoping that it will still work out. You can, of course, still hope it will work out ... when the time is right ... but, if you're still "kinda sorta" in the relationship ... it'll just leave you feeling like you're in a state of flux. The mature thing to do would be to end it rather than put yourself in limbo.
Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 12:03am
It sounds like he wants to be free to do what he wants and see whomever he wants, but he wants you to be "free" to see him when he wants to see you. Don't put your life on hold. There is something behind his "jokes" about you dating a guy you both know you'd never date. He is really saying, "I know if you'll date Eggbert, you will never fall for him, cause he is kind of nerdy. So if I decided I want you around one weekend, you'll blow him off to be with me. Now if you date Big Man on Campus, Chris, I'll be threatened because you'll be so into him that you'll never be around when I want you". Fuggetaboutit! He wants a r-ship on his terms. If he wants a break give him a break. But give yourself a break too.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 12:23am
I'm not a big believer in "taking a break" either. It sounds like he's counting on you to always be there while he gets his sh*t together. Don't put your life on hold for this guy. If you meet a guy you want to be exclusive with, then leave him in the dust.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Sun, 01-29-2006 - 9:14am

This man basically broke up with you, and now he is dying to know whether you are crushed. What you are doing, and how you are feeling about anything is none of his business. Don't wait around for this guy.

Time to move on.