talking about the ex

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
talking about the ex
3
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 12:48am
Hey, I have always heard that it's a big no-no to talk about your ex with your new beau. Does this apply even as you become more serious, and start broadening the subject matter?

I have a natural tendancy to include examples when talking about something....usually I'll just say something like 'oh yeah, Beth did that once' or 'my sister who is really good at that.' Every once in a while, it's something my ex did....it's not like I think about him all the time or even at all, it's just that every once in a while, his name will pop out....like if bf and I are talking about jazz, as ex was an exceptional saxophonist.

My question is if this is really bad for me to do, I don't even really notice, except that sometimes, bf seems a little preturbed at the mention of ex's name. Should I try specifically not to mention his name? Does anyone have ideas on remembering not to say it...names as a form of reference just pop out all the time, I wouldn't be able to 'screen' all of which pours from my mouth...lol. Anyway, thanks for the help!

~Dizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:57am
My bf and I are in our 30s. We both have pasts - and they include past relationships. Neither of us have been single for very long in our lives, so most references to past events also include exes. Our relationships help to form who we are and how we relate with people - learn from experience et al. For us, discussing past relationships and how we reacted in certain situations helps us to understand each other now.

I think it comes down to the couple and how comfortable and secure you each are in the relationship. I just don't think it's worth my energy worrying about what his relationship with his ex wife (who he still talks to) was like. I wasn't around at the time, so why let it bother me? No point having feelings of jealousy over a situation that's not my concern.

As an aside, he has more female friends than male, I have more male friends than female. His best friend is a girl. At the time I met my guy, I met some other guys on the same dating site. I got invited to two separate occasions by two separate guys and he came along to both of those. All the guys got on great and we're all going to remain friends.

Maybe I'm different, but if two people are secure in themselves, secure in the relationship, understand and don't overstep the boundaries they've set between themselves in a relationship, then talking about exes or friends of the opposite sex shouldn't be a problem.

Like I said though, that's just me and what suits me may not suit the next person.

JMHO

Eve

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:51pm
Hello dizzygurl!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 7:18pm
I agree with cl-tgowens. Good advice. If he's talking about jazz, he doesn't want to hear that your ex was an exceptional jazz player. I know that would irritate me. He probably knows that anyway.