Talking about materialistic wants....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Talking about materialistic wants....?
5
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 1:32am
My boyfriend and I will be celebrating our two year anniversary (dating) this tuesday. We aren't doing anything special until Friday when we both have some time available. The problem is, gifts. I have his all together, and have had it together for a week. He, however, does not. He hasn't even shopped. He said to me tonight that he has no idea what to get me. And I'm very distraught. I am by no means a selfish person. I do not ask him to pay for anything and when it comes to gift giving, he cheaps out. And I know it's not because he does not have the money, he makes a decent living, just likes to "save" his money. For example, in December, my birthday is five days before Christmas. Instead of getting me two gifts, i got one, not so special gift. It hurts me that my boyfriend who I thought understood that i do not like the one gift for two occasions, would do that. Now, for our anniversary, after much hinting at something i can have that shows he cares about me. I don't ask for anything big, a necklace a promise ring (which is i feel ok b/c we've talking about getting married- i just want to get my life started as he has his going already). My question for everyone is...How can I express that I would like these sort of gifts w/o seeming selfish...or it defeating the purpose of what i belive jewlery says. Also, how can i ask him to maybe think ahead of time when it comes to gift giving. I have never recieved a gift on the day of the event...he always "runs" out of time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 8:28am

What you have here is a man that is on the cheap side. He doesn't spend money on you and you, so far after 2 years, have been perfectly fine with it. Don't expect much to change. I would sit down and discuss this issue to give him an opportunity to change. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

If you want to get your life "started" I would do so on your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:36am

You're the type of woman that uses the quality of gifts to measure the value in a relationship - he doesn't. That doesn't make him evil or wrong - it makes you different. There are three things you can do here:

1 - Find some acceptance that the two of you use different things to measure the value in a relationship.

2 - Seek understanding of how he measures value in a relationship.

3 - State your wants and expectations in a proactive and positive way.

It drives men crazy when we are held to a secret expectation then made wrong when we don't get it right. If you do #3 above, then he will gain understanding of what is important to you.

Also remember that with the price of gold these days, a nice promise ring will run between $400 and $700.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 11:50am

Hello there,

I understand how you feel about thi. I have been in similar situations and it isn't necessaily about the money that he puts forward but the effort that he puts in when it comes to getting you something. From the sounds of it you tend to go out of your way to get him things for special occasions and you feel as though he is not reciprocating.

I agree with spice.man that he may be the kinds of man who is going to measure a relationship in gifts and no it doesn't mean that yo uare bad for wanting it or that he is bad for not giving, you are just different. I will admit to being like you, i like dating someone who spoils me but in return i spoil them.

I also know that i can be hard to talk to your partner about this without coming off as materializtic but it is possible. WHen he tells you that he doesn't know what to get you, you can always just outright tell him "well i have had my eye on such and such for a long time now". You may be suprised with the outcome :):)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2005
Mon, 08-21-2006 - 10:59pm
Thanks so much for responding! I think the best thing for me to do is just talk to him. Its not like I want to be spoiled, I take care of myself but it is nice from time to time (like anniversaries and Christmas) to get something nice. I think he'd be very understanding of what I have to say.
To chamey101..I am getting my life started on my own. Actually that is the real reason we aren't really married. He is older than I am and he had the opportunity to graduate college, and i am now experiencig the same thing.
Thanks again for the advice! It was very helpful!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 8:17am
If the problem here is that he doesn't know what to get you then make it easy for him by setting up wishlists on various shopping websites. If the problem is that he is rebelling against the social custom of gift giving, tell him that gift giving is important to you and that he should choose a different custom to rebel against. If the problem is he is cheap - I don't know what you can do about that. Probably find another man who isn't cheap. Iri