Tearful and lost

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Tearful and lost
4
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:25pm
We've been dating and living together for almost 3 years. He's 29 and I'm 30. Neither of us has ever been married or has any children. After all this time, he does not want to be married. I want this very much. He's never been able to give a reason why he isn't ready - he claims I'm the love of his life and he's blessed to know me.
Although it is very difficult, I've chosen to end things. It's the best relationship I've ever known - the greatest love I ever could have imagined. But I feel like I need more. How long do I wait? I feel like I need to love myself enough to move on. But what if it's the greatest mistake of my life? Maybe I should give it more time. I'm not getting any younger and I'm very aware of the difficulties of finding someone compatible to share a life with - we've had everything. It's so ironic that such an amazing relationship has to end because of his indecisiveness...
What to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:40pm

mystifyme007,


lips

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:27am

I can see why you are tearful and lost. Is it that he is not ready or is it that he doesn't want to marry at all? If you havent seen any movement from him going in the direction you want your life to go (within the time frame you alloted for yourself) then you had to be true to yourself. If you are quite sure that you will not be happy in life unless you are married and share this same long term goal as your SO, then you did the right thing by breaking up with him.

When I was dating my first husband I mentioned to him once that I wasn't going to keep dating after about 4 to 5 years without it moving towards marriage. I knew that I wanted to be married. I knew I wanted to marry him. I didn't make a big deal about it but I let him know what my plans were for my life and if it coincided with his plans, then great. We never talked much about it and there was no indecisiveness from either party. I think we had 2 conversations about it during the time we were dating.

I have been married twice (and now divorced twice) and marriage was not what I thought it would be. Do you want marriage because you feel it will provide a deeper commitment or love? Or is it because you want children? I have seen good marriages and I have seen bad marriages. I have seen good relationships turn bad after marrying because marriage changes the dynamics of a relationship in a very subconscious way. It also changes the expectations that each spouse has of the other. At this point in my life I would prefer to just date or live with someone because I feel that a relationship stands a better chance of staying a loving relationship without marriage. Also, strange but true - I only get ill when I am married - hehehe - odd..but so true. During both marriages I had severe GI problems that mysteriously went away when the husbands went away. Right now I am going through a horrible experience, yet, I have no GI distress. The b.s. they put me through went right to my gut.

I am not trying to discourage you from marriage at all because for it works for some people.

I dont think it will be the greatest mistake of your life because you seem very sure about what you want out of life. If you stay with him and wait for him to be ready, you could wait for years and then you will grow resentful and any marriage would possibly be tainted by resentfulness.

If you get back together I feel that you really deserve some sort of a realistic explanation of what he is waiting for - in order to feel comfortable about entering into a marriage. There has to be a logical explanation. Is he waiting for his career to take off or does he have a bad taste in his mouth about marriage because of what his friends say about it or what he witnessed at home? If you give him more time, then there still has to be movement on his part by addressing (and dealing with) what it is about marriage that is a turn off at this point in his life. He can do that with you or in therapy, but a vague "not ready" doesnt suffice.




Edited 6/27/2007 2:39 am ET by snafu2006
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:34pm
Thank you so much, snafu. You've summarized my thoughts and feelings beautifully. He and I have talked repeatedly about marriage prior to getting to this point. I told him within the first few months that I was NOT looking to merely date someone long term, meaning 2 or 3 years. He always gave me the impression that this wasn't a problem. So I waited...
I did find myself becoming resentful and destructive in our relationship for the past few weeks. That was how I knew it was time to leave or decide that I would be okay in a marriageless relationship. But I don't think I am.
He's just such a wonderful man in every other way. Respectful, gracious, selfless, giving EXCEPT when it comes to being engaged. No one can believe that he refuses to make more of a committment. I don't get it and probably never will...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 4:57pm
I cant understand why he hasn't given you something in so far as an example of what it is that he finds unappealing about being married. He knew going into your relationship that you wanted to be married...and he gave you the impression that it wasn't a problem? Did he say that he was interested in marriage at that time? Well, if he cant even put into words what his issues are about marriage, then you did do the right thing by breaking up. The reason I say that is that it could take decades for him to figure out what his problem is about marriage.