tell about an ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
tell about an ex?
3
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:50pm
My boyfriend and I are attending the wedding of a very good male friend of mine in a couple of weeks. My boyfriend has met him and has told me he really likes him - something he hasn't said about any of my other friends. I was very happy to hear that because this friend is very dear to me. He and I actually used to be involved for quite awhile. My boyfriend does not know that. Should I tell him?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:54pm
I think the time for telling him was when you first told him about and/or introduced him to your male friend. Not telling him then smacks of deception, especially since you were involved with him for "quite a while".

I think you should tell him, and before the wedding, as it's very possible you'll run into someone there who mentions that the two of you used to be an item. The tricky thing will be explaining to your bf why you didn't tell him you used to date your friend. Why didn't you?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:15pm
Rather than "should I or should I not tell him in order to manipulate to attempt to get a particular result" - stand by your values and your principles.

Walk in his shoes for a second.

If 3 months from now, by accident, over the dinner table WITH HER and her new boyfriend, you found out the girl that he's "friends with" - is a former lover - would you be upset?

Would you think "he tricked me and didn't say anything" - would it "make you more paranoid about thier conversations and interaction and involvement, particularly while alone?"

Treat people as you'd wish to be treated...not so that they "reciprocate" - but so that you can live with yourself knowing that by your standards, you did the right thing.

So, if you'd like to know prior to meeting someone, developing a friendship, having her help you paint the house, and leave them alone together while you get more paint...that they were lovers.....tell him that you and this man were.

Because rarely can you hide that fact...no matter how staunchly you try. There is a chemistry among former lovers.....they know one another, they anticipate the other's moves, they've become accustomed to this person's prioritizations and thinking patterns.

As was said recently on a hit TV series by a main character - when watching two colleagues argue - "oh, you two have had sex" - it was apparent to him, based on the level at which they interacted and conversed and what they "didn't have to explain" - that they were intimately familiar with one another and there were a great many expectations and anticipations about this person as a result.

So, if you'd want to know about his "former lover" prior to meeting them that that is what they were - so that you could be apprised prior to forming a friendship....tell this man you're dating out of respect for him......and out of respect for this friend that you hold "so dear".

I mean, you're all adults - so what - you two have been naked and horizontal, you've been "biblically intimate" - it's not like any of you haven't been that with other people.

It cracks me up really.......we tend to think of the person we're dating as so intelligent, so astute, such an excellent judge of character - because 'they choose me" - but when meeting someone else that at one time they had chosen to be with eotionally and physically - we go "what an inappropriate choice they made there"...how is it the person you're with is a great judge of character when choosing you - and not them? Particularly in light of the fact that the person you're dating - is still affiliating with them - supposedly out of respect for who they are.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 7:17pm
Yeah, I'd want to know. My boyfriend and I had been together four years, then we broke up for two (his choice), then we got back together. In that time apart is when I dated my friend who is getting married. My boyfriend and I have not discussed the time we were apart - as far as who we dated that is. Oh I may have mentioned this freaky guy I went out with once or that guy I was into for about two weeks, but I haven't had the balls to tell him about this one guy yet...I guess I didn't know how he'd react to knowing I had fallen in love with someone else. My friend was in the same situation - dated this girl, broke up, we met, we split, now they are getting married. I don't think my friend has told his fiance we were involved either. It's time to tell my boyfriend.