Tell me if I'm overreacting here??

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Tell me if I'm overreacting here??
7
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 11:33pm

So this guy that I have been dating for the last 4 months or so has been great. We actually just put a label on us being "bf/gf" a couple weeks ago. FYI: He's 30, I'm 23.

I know this is really lame, but I happened to look at his myspace page this afternoon, and I noticed that a girl (whom I have met once) wrote on his wall, "Hey --, got your text, this week is pretty busy for me, but we should try and meet for happy hour sometime soon--I'm done at work at 4:30", blah, blah blah.

Now, this is why I'm wondering if I'm overreacting. I text him right away asking who -- is. He texts back (since he was at work) "One of my friends that has come to all the flip cup tournaments". (He runs flip-cup tourneys as a side gig every few months or so, just for fun). Well, these tourneys I know for a fact have only happened a few times, and I know that he's only met her through them. So, I know they're not super good friends.

I text him back just saying, "Happy hour, huh?".

No response.

He then after a few minutes replied back, "Yeah, we've said that for 6 months and it has never happened. I can have a drink with a friend and not make a big deal of it. You drink with all kinds of guys." Sidenote: I do meet up with a couple of my guy friends for happy hour whom I have known for a couple years from college. Plus, I've even asked him if it's OK to continue meeting them for happy hour after we put a "label" on what we are--and he replied that he was OK with it.

So, I guess through this rant, 1) I know that he's not great friends with this girl--in fact he's only met her a few times, and 2) why would he be initiating meeting her for happy hour after we've already established what we are as a couple?

I don't want to be the psycho-jealous type of girlfriend, but it's just hard for me to comprehend why all of a sudden he would text her out of the blue asking her this. Moreover, after seeing pictures of her, she's not that innocent-looking of a girl.

P.S. I have been cheated on before in the past.

Thanks for reading this, and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 1:04am
I don't think you are overreacting, but you both have an agreement to hang out with members of the opposite sex. If you don't want him to hang around women, then you'll have to give up the guys. but you said you offered to do so and he said it was okay with him. So, if it is not a problem to him, then you have the problem now of deciding whether you want to continue this relationship and feel pain or leave and feel pain. If you stated to him that you didnt want either one of you to hang around other people of the opposite sex, do you think he would agree to that? It is better you find out now if you will be compatible for the long run.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:13am

I think I did overreact just a touch.

He just called me and apparently he had stated for a big group of them all going out for happy hour (including guys) not just with that girl.

Whew.

I think he thinks I might be a tad of a psycho now. :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 2:15pm
Well, only you know if you overreacted because only you and he were there at that moment. I think men are used to women reacting the way you did in that type of situation, so then all of us are psycho to them. Will you be joining them for the happy hour?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Thu, 05-31-2007 - 4:22pm
I didn't ask him if I could join. I figured I'd just leave it be, since I go out separately with my friends/guy friends every now and then. I think it's just kind of their own little group, since he mentioned how they all have mutual friends together. Plus, he said the reason why he wanted to do it was to kind of suck up to these people since they have come to every event and have paid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 3:39am
You are overreacting, but it is understandable because you said you've been cheated on before. Does your boyfriend know this? If you let him know, then it is his job to reassure you that it will be okay and then he will also understand why you might be insecure about it. Also, she posted on his myspace, so it's not like it was all shady and in secret. It is there for everyone to see. Lastly, it is time for you to heal from that person who cheated on you and not let him ruin another relationship for you. I know this is easier said than done, but try and let it go and remember that you are with a completely different person now. Don't be naive and shut out blatantly obvious signs.. in other words, don't take crap! But at the same time, project confidence in yourself and your relationship. Insecurity is NOT attractive! For example, if my boyfriend goes to the bar to get me a drink, girls come up and talk to him all the time and it doesn't bother me because my boyfriend is HOT! I know this! LOL And I'm like yah, that's my man! I know this will occur even when I'm not around. A) I trust him B) I know he loves and wants ME, NOT them! C) I know he's not going to meet a girl better than me.
Your boyfriend initiating the contact is of no consequence in my opinion. I have many male friends and make new ones all the time. If I go out without my boyfriend and meet a guy I'll say I have a boyfriend but if you want to be friends we can hang out. And then I'll call the guy and we'll have coffee or something. I'm not going to let a boyfriend stop me from doing ANYTHING WHATSOEVER including making new friends male or otherwise!
And I don't keep this from Andi. I'll say yah, made a new guy friend... going to coffee with him. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 12:02pm

If I were you I'd pay attention to the times I was invited or included and the times I was not invited. I've been in that situation before and when the invitations stopped was when something was going on.

As long as your perceptions are clear, your initial reaction will be the correct reaction. While sometimes we have to push away the baggage, like previous guys cheating on us, we still have to not deny or rationalize our gut feelings. Things get complicated when we deal with deceptive SO's because their actions and words will not match and confuse the data base in our heads so that we may walk away with some skewed thinking or confusion, but easily eradicated.

Advise to you on this board will always be tainted by everyone's current situation as well as past experiences, so take each post as a delivery of a person's past and present. I have noticed that when women are in great relationships they talk from that vantage point and you will be considered insecure, others will not be in a relationship or have gotten burned and they will reflect back to you their wariness about men.

If you had a personality disorder which would color your perception of reality, then I would say to take a step back from your initial reaction and carefully review it, but I am assuming you are not borderline or schizophrenic or have some other form of psychosis.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 06-03-2007 - 12:52pm

I wouldn't get too crazed about it, or accusatory or make him think you're checking up on him.

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