To tell or Not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
To tell or Not to tell
9
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:26pm

I have always wondered whether it is OKAY to confide in our "closest friends or family" about certain issues in ones relationship? What do most couples do?

If they DO tell their closest friends/family about it, do they tell their SO's that they have told? I would think the answer would be "mostly" NO?

Is there a protocol, a right and a wrong thing to do here?

I have noticed, in my experience, that no partner wants the issues to go outside the confines of the home...the couple. BUT at the same time, the couple DOES have people they perhaps confide in on a regular basis!! So, isn't that hypocrisy?

I have a friend who tells me everything about what is going on in his relationship, but then also adds that SHE is close to her mother and tells her mother everything, and he is extremely uncomfortable about it and they even fought about it.

In my previous relationships, I have had problems, when I told my partner that I discussed the issues with our common friend. He was really mad.

So, how does one deal with this without sacrificng our integrity and maintaining loyalty to both our SO's as well as the closest people in our lives?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:43pm

I assume that any SO I had would discuss our relationship with close friends, and I do the same. That doesn't bother me, unless he were to tell a friend something I had specifically asked him NOT to tell, and I wouldn't expect it to bother him, unless I'd done the same thing.

I can't imagine expecting a partner to not discuss your relationship with anyone else. How can you not? You have to be able to talk to your friends!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 6:54pm

That is right Sheri! We have to be able to talk to our friends. We don't want to lie to our friends when they ask how things are going. And we also talk because we want to share. Then I wonder why guys get all hyper-sensitive and mad when they get to know that?Perhaps, it's such guys who have put this doubt in my mind.

Does this mean that we should basically keep quiet about who we divulge details to and NOT tell our SO's anything?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:00pm

I don't volunteer the information, but I wouldn't lie if asked. I can't imagine that any SO of mine wouldn't know who I talk to on a regular basis though. He can do the math ;-).

I don't think that all guys are hyper-sensitive about this...I've personally never had it come up as an issue in a relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:14pm

Hm..I think I should just not be "foolishly honest" by volunteering. Some cannot take the truth.

Another line of thought is perhaps the guys (and girls, am sure) get sensitive, because they feel their image goes down in front of family and friends they interact with too. If a fight reveals a particular flaw, am sure, no one wants that flaw to be advertized to people who are a part of their life, or WILL become a part of their life in the future.

Perhaps, they feel, it's a breach of privacy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:15pm
Well, I know with me and my ex, it was one of the biggest things that caused arguments between us. I have friends I discuss life with and issues that may arise and he had a HUGE problem with it because he felt that I would blame everything on him, if there were issues in the relationship. This, of course was far from the truth, but he would get very angry if I spoke to anyone about our relationship...so I guess it really depends on the person.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:22pm

Hi Wind, yes..that's exactly what I experienced.

My ex, after every tiff...would ask me "So, did you tell anyone about it??"

What am I supposed to say? Ofcourse, I used to tell him the truth. And that would lead to "another" tiff. It's just sickening.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:22pm

Thankfully, no one I've been involved with has been that self-conscious or whatever the right word is. Everyone has flaws...get over yourself, ya know??? I wouldn't have a problem with a friend of my SO knowing about a flaw of mine, and I don't think any person with good self-esteem would.

Again, if it was something he'd *ASKED* me not to share, I would respect that (and telling would be a breach of privacy) but otherwise, it's unrealistic to expect that your SO isn't going to talk about you to his or her friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 10-04-2005 - 7:30pm

I agree.

I think getting all worked-up about it..is a sign of insecurity and low self-esteem AND wanting to be CONTROLLING.

Sure, it is not pleasant to be knowing that private matters are being discussed, but "making an issue" out of it, is a whole different ballgame. One can just remain quiet and "accept" the fact that our SO's have close friends they tell things to, just as we do the same. Accepting that is a sign of maturity.

It's weird how I end up with men with such a mind-set.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-05-2005 - 12:11pm
I don't think this is a huge issue unless a couple is engaged to be married. At that point they need to establish ground rules for all kinds of things - money, sex, careers, children, discussing family problems, etc. There needs to be discussion, compromise, and agreement on various issues in order for the relationship to be permanent. Different couples will handle this in different ways - but I don't think it is good for a relationship when people discuss what is going on in their marriage with anyone outside the marriage - except of course a marriage counselor if things get to that point. If you are discussing every thing with MOM or Best friend then that person may form a low opinion of the spouse and it will create tension within the family and/or friendship circle and then gossip will start and who knows where it will end. Iri