Terrified of being hurt

Avatar for kyukang
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Terrified of being hurt
5
Tue, 06-08-2004 - 2:38am
Dating Doyenne,


I'm 21 and never been kissed. I'm not bad looking, though I am slightly overweight. This slight overweight-ness has led to a massive problem in my self confidence. My mother tells me day in and day out that I would be pretty if only I were skinnier. And I KNOW it's ridiculous. In my head, intellectually, I know that I'm a great person with a charming personality and great sense of humor. But I think I'm stuck with this idea that if my own mother, my flesh and blood, the person who is supposed to think I'm the most beautiful person in the world. If my own mother doesn't think I'm beautiful, than who in the world could possibly think it?

My friends tell me I'm being silly. They say I look great and that any guy would be lucky to have me. And when I express my doubts, pointing to the fact that I'm 21 and have never been kissed (or remotely involved in a relationship with a guy), they don't know what to say.

Recently, my best friend suggested that I enter into therapy to deal with my issues. She said it with love.. but she thinks that it's really MY issues with my own confidence and my own terror of being criticized or rejected by a man that is getting in the way of me having a relationship.

I only WISH I could afford therapy. Then maybe someone could tell me how to deal with this. No matter how often my friends tell me I look great, I physically can't bring myself to believe them. I automatically reject their compliments as being insincere.

I'm resigned to thinking that the only way I can really fix myself is by losing the weight. But let me tell you... if ONLY that were as easily done as said. I've lost a few pounds in the past couple of weeks, but I met someone that I think I'm developing feelings for.. and the thought that I'm going to be the victim YET AGAIN to unrequited love is killing me. I need something, but I don't know what. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to lose enough weight to make myself feel better.

What can I do? Please help.

Q

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 1:10pm
YOu need to love yourself before anyone else can love you....
Lilypie Baby Days

Avatar for kyukang
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:08pm
Okay. Thank you, but that's not exactly helpful. I've heard it a million times.

When you're literally unable to love yourself, what are you? Screwed?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:17pm
PMFJI, but yeah, pretty much. That or you're destined to only have dysfunctional, unhealthy relationships.

You've heard it a million times because it's true. If this is an issue for you, then you need to get yourself into counseling to work through it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:23pm
Im sorry you don't find that helpful...but as a former self hater, it is the only way....I promise you that...there is no shortcut.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:43pm
If you can't afford therapy can you at least buy a few books to read or better yet, get a free library card and check out some books to help you understand yourself better and deal with your issues? People talk a blue moon about wanting to change, but only those that actually take the difficult steps necessary actually get anywhere. Phil McGraw and Richard Carlson are just 2 of many many authors who have written self-help books that are very insightful. I'm sure if you ask, many posters here could make great suggestions on that front.

Your life is going to be full of problems much greater than having a boyfriend or being kissed, so the sooner you learn the life skills necessary to problem solve and know yourself, the better it will be for you. Your mother probably sees how miserable you are and thinks she's giving good advice on how to make you happier. Parents mean well and she no doubt loves you. Don't play the blame game. It won't help you. If she's not very insightful about the human psyche and where happiness actually comes from, then don't follow in her footsteps in that regard. Invest some serious time in reading to get more informed than she is. It would be time very well spent and would cost you nothing.

Best of luck to you.