Is there a problem here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Is there a problem here?
5
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 4:40pm
Hi everyone...I'm a 26 y/o single female. For the past two years or so I have had nothing but bad luck when it comes to men. I can't seem to find anyone... and when i do get hooked up with someone it never works out. I'm not understanding what the problem is? The past three guys that I have met, want nothing but to get in my pants and that's not what I'm about. Not that I'm a virgin or anything..but I don't jump into bed with people unless I trust them and know that there is at least a potential relationship there. I go out with my friends...and guys don't even approach me. When i get hooked up with guys...they seem really interested...and then somehow it just never works out. I'm an attractive girl, i'm intelligent, i am independent, I have a good job, a good head on my shoulders and really honestly believe that I have a wonderful personality. I have a few extra pounds on me..but I'm not grotest nor am I huge. Either way it's something that I'm working on. I know that I have a wall that is sometimes hard to break through...but I am very nice and respectful at the same time. All but a hand full of my friends are getting engaged and married and having children..and for heaven sake I can't even find a boyfriend. What is the problem? Why can't I keep a guy interested? Is there anyone else out there in the same predicament?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 5:30pm
join the club...unfortunately there seem to be lots of it. I feel the same way you do. As great as my life may seem sometimes, it gets depressing going on bad dates, finding people you dont connect with or just want in your wants...sometimes i wonder if i should stop dating all together...but i feel like if i dont put any effort into things, i will never get married and have kids and ultimately that's what i want...dating used to be easy...i dont know where it got so hard...blah.
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:04am

I totally understand the feeling. I went out with my girlfriends for months and no one would approach any of us. Ironically, when I had given up and was not looking for someone, the most wonderful man found me. I would suggest you take the focus off finding someone for a while and just enjoy life. Give someone a chance to find Wonderful You. Sometimes I think we try too hard and give off those desperate vibes.

Also, I would suggest that you try to ignore what your friends are doing in the way of marriage and children. Many of their marriages won't last, sadly, and you may be the one that marries a bit later and whose marriage lasts a lifetime. By all means, don't be so anxious to get married that you settle for someone. Nothing is more miserable than to have children and a husband you do not love.

At least consider the fact that I am 54, divorced from a lifelong marriage, and back in the game again! Want to trade places? You are still young. Just enjoy life! It will all happen for you. Today's dating is a difficult thing for all ages, it seems to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2000
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 3:27pm
I am in the same boat - 26, funny, smart, independent, great job, happy with my life at the moment with the exception of the dating piece, few extra pounds but like you I'm not disgusting or lazy, I go to the gym regularly and eat well, I can hike a mountain without having a heart attack... so I figure hey... I'm a great catch! My friends and coworkers love being around me, so why do I have such a problem with men? I have male friends so that isn't an issue. But dating is a nightmare! I have dated quite a few, but its one date, maybe 2, then they dissapear off the face of the earth. I mean if its not working out is it so hard to just call someone back and let them know? Instead of not calling after saying "oh we'll do such and such" and then nothing. End of story. Besides the fact that I'm incredibly confused as to why it ended. I mean they've all seemed nice at first, we had things in common, the date went well... then *Poof* Gone. I don't understand it, I know if it was meant to be then it would be but it does get to a point where you question whether it is worth it at all. I am not the type of girl who will sleep with a guy she just met either, in fact I generally like to wait a while till trust is developed and you actually know the person which is where my guy friends insist I'm going wrong but I don't want to be with someone who's just looking for some action - then is going to flake out anyways! Its hard not to ask, what am I doing wrong? When it just seems to be a trend! Anyone have any suggestions?

BFP: April 4th 2010

Natural M/C: April 17th 2010 @ 6wks 5 days

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 4:32pm
Hi. I am 32 and have been divorced once and have a beautiful 8 year old boy. I think I see things from a slightly different point of you although I totally understand your frustration. As one of the previous posters said, even though it seems to you like it is taking forever, you may in fact be some of the women who will marry later and be smart about it. Then you will be watching at least half of the marriages you covet split up badly with children involved and feel like you missed the blind marrying in your twenties bullet. If I could do it all over again and still have the same child here with me I would marry someone different and closer to the time I am in now in life. In fact now that I am older ( but not ancient I realize!) I think I may wait until I am closer to forty to get married because I want to be totally ready and sure of who I am with and allow him the same opportunity.
Last year I went through a period of dating where it was kind of what you all described. I too have had my share of question marks with men and wondered what went wrong or what the problem was at the end of things. My girlfirends and I, after much discussion and frustration figured together that some of the indecision from the males was due to the fact that nowadays there are so many more available choices with online dating soaring. I mean, if you think about it, before online dating, you had to make do with meeting people in everyday life or on the weekends at clubs or bars and now you can do that but also there might be people online as well that guys are pursuing/looking into so the numbers game begins to be harder and downright daunting. Men or women can in this day and age have several first dates in one week and be straddling all of these different people as they figure out who they want to pursue. We just didnt face these odds before and although I dont date online, I see it as making things harder on everyone. Even when you are dating someone and things seem to be going well, at the first sign of conflict they have only to point and click to contact someone else and start over.
I did eventually meet someone about 5 months ago and he is great for me. It was an absolute fluke and we met at a store together and ran into each other several times past that before we started dating. I feel incredibly lucky to have found someone who loves me and is in a wonderful relationship with me for al the right reasons. At the point where I met him, I hadnt really dated anyone for 6 months. We met under no pressure and things just clicked. I think the other poster might be right that when you put out the vibe that you are "looking" and ready, it backfires.
Above all, be patient with life and how it hands you things and people. I know it sounds trite but you have plenty to be thankful for and enjoy in today and life is too short to just be waiting for one thing to happen. You have to have faith that it will happen and know that if it happens later rather than sooner you will only land in a category of marriages where the divorce rate is LOWER.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 10-29-2006 - 7:07am
You are DEFINITELY not alone. It will happen.
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