They were great, then he stopped....HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
They were great, then he stopped....HELP
7
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 11:41am

Ok, so I ran into an old friend of mine that I have known for about 3 years. I had always been interested in him, so I asked him if he was dating anybody and he said no. So, I gave him my number and he called me that same night. I didn't go and see him until the next day, but we started hanging out on his days off. He works really funky hours, so we only saw each others on the weekend. Anyways, he had just gotten out of a really bad relationship about 3 1/2 months ago. He was engaged to a girl who was physically abusive towards him. Anyways, things were great, we really had a great time when we spent time together. We had the talk about not wanting to get into a serious relationship, and I told him that was fine, but that I wasn't going to date anybody else. I am not that kind of person, I just don't do it. So, we went on for about a month seeing each other, planning on doing things in a couple of months together, going to the lake, a football game, stuff like that. He would tell me how great I was and that he really enjoyed me being around. Then a week or so ago, his ex called and confronted him about dating somebody else, she got really upset and he wouldn't even talk to me about it. All he said was that he knew that they were going to be together, that she was crazy, but that he still cared about her. Then we spent the next day together, and everything was fine. Then he went to work the next day, and he told me he wasn't feeling good, that he was going to go to sleep when he got off, which was fine with me. But then he didn't call me until 2PM on Monday, this was on Sunday. And all he said was that he was fine, that he would call me in a bit. Well, he never did. Finally, he texted messaged me and said that he had a lot on his mind, give him some time and we would talk. Well, basically, he told me that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, which I told him that I didn't see what was so serious about us hanging out and enjoying each other, but he said that he had issues to deal with. I asked him how long he was going to put his life on hold because of what she did to him, which of course he didn't say anything. I just don't understand cause everything was fine, and then boom, out of nowhere, it just stops. He sent me this email last night and I don't understand it at all:

"I wanted to apologize for being a little insensitive and not calling you earlier than I did.
I had my reasons, but they are not what's important now.
You need to understand that this has nothing to do with you.
You are a very sweet girl with much to offer.
You are very giving of yourself and it shows in you character.

As I said before, I believe that my decision is in the best interests of both of us.
I just don't want to hurt anyone.
And it really doesn't matter who I'm with - chances are their going to get hurt in the long run.

I decided to step back at this point because, when/ if it was over, I wanted us to at least be friends.
...I did not want you to resent me.
If I was not honest with you and my feelings, I would not be able to sleep at night.
I don't know what will come of my future relationships, but I do know that I'm not the guy you want right now.
Maybe sometime in the future, I'll get my head straight.
Until then I hope that we can be friends.

Again, I am so sorry for making you cry. "

PLEASE HELP ME. I feel like I am not good enough at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 12:54pm

I had a counselor tell me once that whenever someone comes out of an abusive relationship, he could money in the bank and draw interest off of it that they also had an abusive childhood. I don't think his dilemma (sp.) is about you. There's probably a lot of stuff he doesn't want to share with you, though, because it's likely embarrassing, shaming, etc.

Many times people repeat patterns from the past in their relationships even when they're not healthy because they're familiar and comfortable in comparison to something totally new and strange. He probably really did have a good time with you, it was just so unfamiliar and scary because of it. I don't know what you can do. Maybe offer him understanding, tell him he can tell you anything, etc. I read once that counseling worth it's salt changes what a person wants. Right now, it sounds like he wants to re-do the past in his relationships. For ex., with his abusive ex. It's not at all about your not being good enough; it's about your being too good, most likely. He doesn't feel worthy of you and he wants to change the past probably. It's tough to really change anyone until they come to that realization themselves but you could try. He sounds like a nice guy though and somewhat self-aware. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2005
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 1:43pm

tx_blondey,

You said:
"He sent me this email last night and I don't understand it at all"

I think his email was very clear, but I'll translate.

He said:
"I wanted to apologize for being a little insensitive and not calling you earlier than I did.
I had my reasons, but they are not what's important now.
You need to understand that this has nothing to do with you.
You are a very sweet girl with much to offer.
You are very giving of yourself and it shows in you character."

He meant:
He is sorry that he didn't call you as soon as he should have. He had a lot on his mind, and didn't know how to explain it to you. Men do NOT like to talk until they feel they can solve the problem. Something needs fixing, and they lock themselves in their "cave" until they're ready to overcome. He completely respects and thinks very highly of you. He's telling you this, so that you could truthfully believe that it ISN'T anything you did.

He also said:
"As I said before, I believe that my decision is in the best interests of both of us.
I just don't want to hurt anyone.
And it really doesn't matter who I'm with - chances are their going to get hurt in the long run."

He meant:
He knows that if he stays in this half-way, budding relationship with you, he will not be giving himself (and YOU) a fair shot. He isn't in a happy place right now (his cave), and needs to figure things (his ex) out thoroughly before dragging someone else into the mess that is his heart.

He also said:
"I decided to step back at this point because, when/ if it was over, I wanted us to at least be friends.
...I did not want you to resent me.
If I was not honest with you and my feelings, I would not be able to sleep at night.
I don't know what will come of my future relationships, but I do know that I'm not the guy you want right now.
Maybe sometime in the future, I'll get my head straight.
Until then I hope that we can be friends."

He meant:
He is breaking off the relationship with you. He knows that he cannot be what you want right now. Being with you and thinking of someone else makes him feel like he's cheating you, and he's right. You should NEVER settle for a man whose heart isn't dedicated to you because someone else still has a piece of it.

And finally, he said:
"Again, I am so sorry for making you cry."

He meant:
Just that. He is sorry that be made you cry, and doesn't intend to do it again.

tx_blondey, I must say that I admire this man's maturity and honesty to be upfront and tell you the truth about what is going on in his head. Did you know that most mean wouldn't even give you THAT much info (and it's in their right not to want to, you know)? He has given you all the info you need to understand that it really WASN'T YOU. It's just that he is not ready to be the man you need. Please do both of you a favor, and respect that. It seems to me that he has been more than respectful to you.

Perhaps one day, when you're ready (and he's ready), you can continue the friendship and start again. You sound like a great catch - You should reply (or call) and tell him you sincerely appreciate his very mature explanation. Wish him well, and tell him that you may need a little time to heal yourself (if you think you do), but that you'd like a friendship very much someday. Something tells me, if you react the right way to this "break", it won't be long before he throws the nutty ex out of his mind, and is ready to return to the one girl that made him feel safe. You.

Hugs, and lots of well-wishes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 3:45pm

tx_blondey - don't worry that it is you and that you are not good enough. He has made it very clear that HE is going through issues and I think he cares enough about you to not want to drag you into it AND to get himself healed before he moves into something with you. This is very thoughtful and mature of him to do that, whether or not you want to believe it! He is trying to be considerate and to not get more involved with you and bring in deeper feelings when he knows he is not good for you or anyone else right now and would only hurt you. He sounds like a very caring, sweet guy to care so much about you that he would rather do this than hurt you worse down the line. Just be glad that you had such a wonderful guy in your life that would do that for you instead of smashing your heart to bits later on when your feelings are even stronger.

He's probably getting attached to you and he realizes that he isn't ready for that. Your best bet is to respect his decision and know that he has your best interests at heart.

Scorpion's suggestion is very good. Email him back and tell him that you need some time to adjust to the friendship thing but you'd like to be his friend. Then BE a friend. Don't pressure him to move back to the relationship-y place. No FWB stuff. Keep it platonic and just be friends. Get to know each other better and have fun without the pressure of making it into more. If you don't think you can do that without constantly hoping it will turn into more, I think you should limit your time with him or see him mostly with groups of friends. He needs space and time to heal. If you can offer him the support he needs without the pressure he doesn't, he could very well turn to you in the future for a relationship when he IS ready because he obviously thinks a lot of you and cares quite a bit.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:03pm
I hope that I can do that. Another thing has kind of popped its ugly head up. He has a friend that doesn't like me at all, and his ex-girlfriend is a good friend of mine. She knows the guy I was dating too, and she said that she has a feeling that her ex had something to do with my guy stop taling to me. Her ex and I do not get along and he had alrealdy voiced his opninon to the guy I was dating, but he said he didn't care, but now that this has happened, she says she thinks he might have something to do with it. How do I approach that situtation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:32pm
Forget about this guy. Take it from someone who the last three people she dated were just out of a realtionship one for 6 months. He is telling you everything. He is not ready, He still wants to be with her and he is going to go back to her. You are only setting yourself up for faluire. Actually this is one situation that has absoultly nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him. I have learned that when a guy says things like this and gives warning signs he is telling the truth. I am now starting to date someone wonderful and we have already talked about things moving forward and he is not afraid. In situtions like yours you are the one who will end up getting hurt. Better you know now and move on then later. I hope it works out but just know that it is not about you. And do you really want a guy who wants to put up with Drama :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:49pm

How do you approach this whole mess?

You say to everyone your man is a lovely person. His current/ex/whatever/crazy girlfriend is a lovely person. Your man's friend that hates you is a lovely person. You walk away from this entire group of loonies with your head held high and a smile on your face.

Really, you don't want to have anything to do with a guy who is wrapped up with a crazy loon of an exgirlfriend, trust me. You are getting the better end of this deal. Run as fast as you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 08-04-2005 - 4:59pm

Unfortunately, you can't really approach it. You just have to let it slide. Right now, it is only a suspicion that the guy talked bad about you. If your guy is the standup guy he sounds like, he won't let his own opinion of you be swayed by this other guy. If that is what drove him away, then that is even more evidence that he is not ready for a relationship.

But like imissy79 said in her post too, the best thing is to try to move on. You don't want to sit around waiting for this guy to get his head together. Be friends with him, but don't count on developing a relationship. It could take forever or it could even be that once he gets everything together, he'll want to be with someone else (hopefully not the abusive ex!). You are better off moving on with your life and if you are both in the same place in the future and ready for a relationship at the same time, GREAT! If not, then you haven't wasted months or years of your life pining for something that is never gonna happen.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo