Thinking the worst

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2012
Thinking the worst
5
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 8:22am

Why does my girlfriend assume Ive been cheating on her ever since the beginning ( 1 year and 6 months ) and never said a word till just resently! She mentioned.to me on several occasions that she has been cheated on more than once by different boyfriends. This has now become her worst nightmare? Ok,  I get it but here is the part I don't get? She has no reason to think that I haven't done a thing to  provoke those thoughts! So with that saiid here is my question- why would a person assume the worst in a partner whom they say they love very much and not even bring it up for discussion ? I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship if it were me but at the very least I would do all I can to talk about it and fix it so I don't look and feel the worst about my partner with no proof etc She has lied on many occasions about stupid stuff- and has spoke about me to others behind my back and it was all BS 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 1:12pm
The question you should be asking isn't why is she thinking the worst, but what is she going to do about this self destructive and unsubstantiated thinking? She's been cheated on in the past, I get it. Being cheated on sucks, I get it. But it isn't normal to then enter another relationship that has lasted over a year and just *assume* that you're being constantly cheated on when there is no indication of that. Why didn't she bring this up? Actually I think you should be grateful she didn't bring this up every time she thought about it because chances are she is constantly obsessing over the assumption that you're cheating on her. Then you'd spend your entire relationship trying to convince her otherwise. How exhausting. This is *her* problem, not yours. If you're not cheating on her and have given her no reason not to trust you then she needs to do some self work and/or therapeutic work to deal with her trust issues. Otherwise she's eventually going to drive you crazy and that could be the end of your relationship.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 1:12pm

The question you should be asking isn't why is she thinking the worst, but what is she going to do about this self destructive and unsubstantiated thinking?  She's been cheated on in the past, I get it.  Being cheated on sucks, I get it.  But it isn't normal to then enter another relationship that has lasted over a year and just *assume* that you're being constantly cheated on when there is no indication of that.  Why didn't she bring this up?  Actually I think you should be grateful she didn't bring this up every time she thought about it because chances are she is constantly obsessing over the assumption that you're cheating on her.  Then you'd spend your entire relationship trying to convince her otherwise.  How exhausting.  This is *her* problem, not yours.  If you're not cheating on her and have given her no reason not to trust you then she needs to do some self work and/or therapeutic work to deal with her trust issues.  Otherwise she's eventually going to drive you crazy and that could be the end of your relationship.

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 4:16pm

Ape6912 wrote:
<p>Why does my girlfriend assume Ive been cheating on her ever since the beginning ( 1 year and 6 months ) and never said a word till just resently! She mentioned.to me on several occasions that she has been cheated on more than once by different boyfriends. This has now become her worst nightmare? Ok,  I get it but here is the part I don't get? She has no reason to think that I haven't done a thing to  provoke those thoughts! So with that saiid here is my question- why would a person assume the worst in a partner whom they say they love very much and not even bring it up for discussion ? I wouldn't be able to stay in a relationship if it were me but at the very least I would do all I can to talk about it and fix it so I don't look and feel the worst about my partner with no proof etc She has lied on many occasions about stupid stuff- and has spoke about me to others behind my back and it was all BS </p>

She does it because she has never, ever resolved the issues concerning the cheating by her past boyfriends with a good therapist, therefore she is stuck.  Because she didn't do that, she's going to go hard in the paint on you and basically force you to own what they did, even though you've done nothing to warrant her out of control suspicions.

It's also a manipulation tool, in that she doesn't have to look at herself and her issues as long as she's got you jumping through imaginary hoops over things you've never done.

What she needed to do was instead of getting involved with yet another guy, she needed to spend time by herself and work on herself so that she could resolve and put to rest those issues and not drag them into a new relationship and force a guy who has nothing to do with it to bear the burden of her insecurity. She's not owed that from you.

Here's the thing, though: she has, from the start, esteemed you as a liar and someone chomping at the bit to cheat on her, but because she 1. wants your attention and 2. doesn't want to go without a boyfriend, she has omitted what she truthfully is feeling about you.  No relationship can survive when its foundation is corrupted like that.

There is nothing you can do to fix anything: this is all on her and if she was fair-minded, she would see that she needs to take a step back and do some work on herself, but I have a feeling, based upon what you've shared here, that she is more prone to selfishness than selflessness.

The fact that she's deceitiful and talks about you behind your back should be enough for you to reconsider the wisdom in being with someone who esteems you like that. You do deserve to be treated better, especially when you've done nothing to deserve that kind of contempt.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 7:38pm

  In my experience this paen of I've been cheated on holds no water.  This girl has problems and you need to be running away as fast as you can.  You cannot "fix" this.  If she wants to project her problem don't be there to take it. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:32pm
Like everyone has said, it is not your problem, its hers... but until she gets the help she needs whether professionally or just by taking some time to self reflect, it is your problem as long as your are together... I say this from experience. the last relatioinship i got out of was with person just like that. and the thing about it, is if a person does not trust you with no good reason for doing so, then how can you trust them. if she is always thinking you are cheating, then what stops her from cheating to 'get you back'? Like you said it makes no sense to be with someone if you don't trust them. Why she stays makes no sense, but it will stress you and drain you and just exhuast you... and at the end of the day you have to ask youself... is she worth it? Are you getting more out of the relationship than is being taken out of you. only you can figure that answer out, and then do the right thing for you... my take on it is walk away!