third wheel

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
third wheel
3
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 5:12pm

Hi, I'm not sure what to think.

I have this social network circle of artist friends. I ended up meeting one at a real-life festival in a neighboring state. After the several days of festival he began flirting with me and there was a connection. However when I added him on fb he had a girlfriend. Bummer. But online he continued to openly flirt (he's flirty in general, girlfriend seemed aware, no judgment). I was left hurt &confused more so because I believe our well meaning mutual online friends continued to stoke the flame. Just when I thought they were solid, he broke with his girlfriend. From her posting pictures of puppies and babies I sense its b/c he didn’t want that deeper commitment. So he was essentially putting out the feelers and began wearing lots of blue...which was the 'color' when he became interested in me (my fav). In the meantime a third girl who occasionally flirted with him is now becoming very open.  This third girl is Betty (indie) Page gorgeous, hijacks posts, offers herself on a silver platter, openly announced she'd fly to his city the moment he broke up (to his credit he didn’t contact her, posting  pics with him and his male friends when she arrived). To please him, as he mentions Europe a lot, she then flew to Paris. At this moment she is Paris/Berlin posting “I made myself vulnerable for you, but I forgive you (insert sexual metaphors)". Seems over the top college behavior? Well that must be what works, he responding, likes her brave no boundaries approach etc. 

The message I'm getting is, he's putting himself on the market soon and wants to date the BOTH of us. Shuttled into another ménage-a-trios but with this third very dramatic girl. While I seem to be included,  I feel torn/upset about this. Btw, I was married, faithful, and divorced and haven’t dated for a few years.  I'm in the awkward position of having been a helpful hidden acquaintance (marketing for his biz tips), my intimate thoughts exposed via friends (vs shared--different concepts), and hoping for more against my better judgment.   

No one knows the future, but are them the brakes? If he approaches me in the future is it worth it? If so, it seems the hyper one will likely overtake him and I may as well save myself some hurt later? I wish I just met that significant other dedicated towards me especially. But maybe that's some fairy tale scenario. Or maybe it's worth it for the 'dating experience' and I may have a chance for a good one. Don’t know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: Vespa21
Sun, 12-22-2013 - 8:44pm

Who needs a bf who flirts with other women when he's taken? That's someone who doesn't care about anybody but himself. No, there is no fairytale man. There are men with minor flaws, just like every woman has flaws. You have to know what minor flaws you'll accept and which ones are dealbreaker flaws. Even as a teenager, I was smart enough to avoid men who were big flirts, like the plague.  Also, a man you think you have to compete for is also another sign he's a player. I've always refused to be a part of beauty pageants, screaming to a man, "pick me, pick me!" The man who ended up being right for me doesn't flirt with other women, only me. I didn't have to compete for his attention. He wantd me and only me and made sure I knew that. I hope the same for you. If you want to expand on the places you meet men, try meetups.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: Vespa21
Mon, 12-23-2013 - 10:46am

Has he actually asked you out on a date or are you just assuming?  Because if he hasn't asked you, then there is nothing to worry about.  I think the other woman's behavior is kind of pathetic, don't you?  Flying to his city (when it appears he didn't ask her to do that) and basically telling him she would have sex with him (is that what you are implying?) I mean if the woman is attractive, what guy would refuse that?  It doesn't seem that she even has the common sense to have any kind of standards like wanting a relationship.  So what exactly would you want from him if he does ask you out?  If you want exclusivity, then you have to tell him that you would not date him while he's dating other people--I think that's difficult at first because people do have the right to date multiple people if they haven't promised to be exclusive with anyone, but if you have strong feelings for him, then I do not think you should have sex with him while the ohter woman is in the picture.  I also wouldn't trust a guy who would flirt with other women while he's in a relationship.  Maybe his GF broke up with him because he wouldn't stop doing that--maybe she was definitely not ok with that.  And I don't think it's a fairytale to find a man who will be exclusive with you and want only you--it might not be that easy to find, but most people I know who are in relationships are exclusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2013
In reply to: Vespa21
Mon, 12-23-2013 - 11:58am

Okay thanks for some input. I really dont know the dating scene that well yet and while I hope for the best think realistically people get bruised sometimes. ha, and on some forums I read, it could be a lot worse. 

I think the guy was honestly faithful to his girl (yes he flirted but he was open and she accepted even played with it and usually won...he genuinely seemed to share a deep affection with her) and he broke up b/c she wants children...NOW (all of their friends are posting baby pics/community 'gets it'). Not sure if he never wants kids but definately not now, hence he's offering fundraisers for children's hospitals etc. I consider those viable reasons for conflict in a relationship..gotta know where you stand. He's good, just...well he's a cutie and knows it. Usually I totally stay away 'like the plague' from this type too, but you know sometimes even 'knowing better' fails. We connected but there is 'glamour' competition.

I'm taking this with a grain of salt (very hard to do but...) and like number two said, being friendly (he is a part of my arts community) but not engaging further if 'Betty Paige' gets too involved. I sense that would cause uneeded grief and drama (but perhaps that's a lesson he needs to learn...I could do without). If someone more dedicated appears in the meantime, I'm all for it, but until then, I'll bite the bullet. 

Thanks for some 'veteran' daters to assist me in reflecting on this!