This time its serious....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
This time its serious....
4
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 4:09pm
This is my first time posting a message here! I hope that somebody can give me some good feedback, and any advice is definitely appreciated! Alright, my situation is this:

I recently ran into an old fling of mine from last summer. I had never really considered going out with him because he didn't have a job and he didn't seem to have much drive. And he's sort of a wanderer, and that applied to all areas of his life. But when I ran into him, he got my number and I went to hang out with him and some of his friends that I also knew. I found out that since I've seen him he started going to classes, got his EMT, and is now in a firefighter training program. I've always found him very physically attractive, and he has a fun personality and great sense of humor, which I love! But now I'm looking at him in a more serious way, but I'm afraid he still might look at me as just a fling. In fact, his friends say that he usually looks at most girls that way unless they say otherwise. I'd really like to go on a date with, so I called him. It's really hard to get in touch with him because he's always in class or working or studying and he doesn't seem to good about checking his voice mail. And I always feel so awkward calling him a bunch of times. When I have gotten ahold of him, he doesn't seem to understand that when I say 'We should hang out' I mean me and him, and I mean a date. He seems to think I just want to know if he and the guys are doing something. I just don't even know how to go at this situation. I've never been very good at communicating with guys! If anyone has had a similar experience or any advice on how to deal with this guy, I'd certainly be happy to hear it.

Thanks!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 4:34pm
A couple of suggestions. If saying "we should hang out" isn't working for you, why not try being more direct and ask him if he'd want to go to dinner with you, or to a movie or for a walk or for coffee or whatever. Also, saying you don't check your voicemail is a highly used excuse for not returning a phone call you don't want to return. So are "I rarely check my email, I didn't get your message, I've been so busy," etc. It doesn't sound like this guy is grabbing at the opportunities presented to ask you on a date. You excuse it all by saying he's busy, he's not taking your hints and he doesn't check his voice messages. That all might be true, but it also might just be that he doesn't CHOOSE to make time for you, get back to you, or pick up on your hints b/c he's not interested in dating you. My suggestion, if you're willing to accept direct rejection, is to be more direct and find out if he's just busy and clueless, or intentionally avoiding a date with you. That way you can know for sure if you're wasting your time, and you can move on. Personally I wouldn't pursue someone who *for whatever reason* is not expressing interest in dating me. I'd look for someone who is openly enthusiastic and eager for a chance to date me. This guy is not showing those signs at all IMO. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 4:49pm
I think that a man who is sincerely interested in you and available will ask you out on a proper date especially since he has your number and knows at minimum that you want to hang out with him. Why are you being so evasive - if you want to ask him out on a date make it clear. I do not buy that he sees all women as flings - if he is sincerely interested in a relationship, he will differentiate in his mind who he thinks is appropriate for a relationship - if he is not looking to be in a relationship, why bother dating him?

I have a feeling he knows you want to go on a date with him he is just trying to let you down easy by feigning ignorance about your intentions. The ball is in his court.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 5:06pm
Thanks so much for your input. I definitely found your advice helpful. I don't know if I'm up for direct rejection, and I do agree that the ball is in his court. I just sometimes feel like making the first move never really works for me! I told myself I wouldn't do it anymore, and if a guy is interested enough in me, that he will make the move. I didn't really stick to that one for long. I don't know, is it stupid to feel so strange about calling him all the time? or am I just being paranoid that guys read into things a lot more than they actually do?

Again, thanks so much, I really appreciate the feedback!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 5:25pm
I wouldn't call anyone all the time unless it was a close friend - even when I am dating someone seriously I don't call them 'all the time." I think making the first move typically is ineffective if you are looking for a healthy long term relationship and calling someone all the time can be really annoying to that person - it would be to me - if someone calls me twice without giving me a chance to respond I get concerned - more than twice and I am already moving on - if that is how he behaves in the beginning I'm thinking stalker potential.