Time to move on or is this just a hurdle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Time to move on or is this just a hurdle
2
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 9:00am
I have been dating my boyfriend for 13 months and we are pretty serious. I wasn't looking for a relationship at the time, but we found each other as friends and then lovers and within a few months i met his family and he told me he loved me. We lived in NYC at the time, and when he decided to sell his company and take over the family business and move south, he freaked and brok up with me. Two days later, we were back together, and I was helping him through the move, sure that our life changes would not split us up. After a few adjustments to the long distance relationship, I took a summer internship in a firm in his city, and he asked if i would move in with him. Having never lived with a girlfriend or really been in a serious relationship before, we went through a few big bumps at the beginning of our situation. By the end of the summer things were good, until he started taking out his stress with work on me. Unable to cope, I took it personally and it drove us into a fighting tiff back and forth over little things for 2 weeks. Now, I am either going back to NYC or staying here, and he has said he is unhappy. While I and his family who know him so well, can tell that it is more than just relationship that is making him unhappy (money, friends, work, his new life here) He has told me that it is possible that I am one of the reasons he is unhappy. When i tried to break up with him, he said he wanted to give it another chance, that he still loved me, and that while he couldn't make any guarentees he wanted very much to be with me.

I am confused because it sounds to me as though he is unhappy and wants me to stick around to help, which i would more than gladly do, because i am completely in love as well as love him soo much. But if I am part of the problem, it hurts very much to stay. I have decided to go back to NYC for the fall and consider moving here in December at the earliest. My mother has advised me to take it one step at a time, but it is very hard to have gone from a loving boyfriend who spoke of marriage and love, to an unhappy man that I think has forgotten the joy of our relationship. What can i do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 10:50am
I think your plan to move away for a period of time is a good one. Putting some distance between the two of you will most certainly help you think things through. It sounds like he is having difficulty dealing with the multitude of new situations in his life and perhaps he needs that time to grow into them. Once you move back, in December you say, it may even help if you do not move in with him until he has got his s**t together and stops being ambivalent about your relationship. As wonderful as he may be, please do not forget your first priority is yourself: your peace of mind, and your happiness.

Good luck to you. You sound like a very sensible and mature woman and I am confident you will work things out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 12:43pm
You know, if you're not happy, you don't have to be there for someone who's making things miserable. No matter how stressed he is about work and anything else, what gives him the RIGHT to take it out on you? Everyone can have a bad day, but constantly? That's immature and selfish. So when you try to leave, he begs you to stay, and you do. Why? You cannot solve his problems for him and you shouldn't have to. He's a big boy, let him figure things out. In the meantime, move back to your own place and work on your happiness for a while. When he decides to join the rest of the hard working, stress dealing world, then you can talk about a relationship with him.

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