Timeframe for a relationship after divor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Timeframe for a relationship after divor
5
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:43am
Got a question for anyone who can answer!! I am currently in the process of divorcing my second husband. I have been living on my own for about two months. During this time, I have begun to see someone. I know he has feelings for me and I am starting to have feelings for him. My question to anyone is this:

is there a proper timeframe to express your feelings to someone while you are going through a divorce? I realize Love has no timeframe, but in this case, isn't there a standard?

Thanks for any comments!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:55am
There is no standard or rule that I know of, except to proceed with extreme caution. Do you fully understand what lead to two failed marriages and how not to repeat those same mistakes? I am going through my first (and god help me only) divorce and that is what I am asking myself. I am in therapy, and I think that is the only way to truly be ready for a healthy relationship.

Some people on this board will say be divorced for a year before embarking on a new relationship. I think that is good advice, but may not be necessary in every case. One person might be ready soon after a divorce, another person may not be anywhere near ready even 2 years after a divorce.

The advice I give myself is to take it slow. I'm seeing someone now and I am being cautious, making sure the "getting to know you" phase is overly long and the "i love yous" don't start until we are really ready to go to the next level. The difficulty is that it is hard to go to the next level when you aren't legally single yet.

There is no need to rush this relationship. Just because you are starting to care for this person doesn't mean you need to follow a time table. Enjoy his company but focus on doing what you need to to be come a happy, healthy, independent individual too.


Edited 3/9/2004 1:21 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:35pm
Thanks for your reply. Actually, my first failed marriage was becuase we were both too young and too focused on the wrong things. My second, well, we just grew apart and when my father died, I realized that I was never truly happy with my second husband and therefore, I told him I wanted out.

As far as the guy I'm seeing now, I have to admit, he is my first husband. We've both grown as far as maturity and other aspects are concerned. I AM taking it slow, but I know what his intentions are. I basically told him that we'd see where it goes and take it from there. I'm 35 and he's 40.

I was just curious as to the proper etiquette, so to speak, on these types of things.

Thanks for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:50pm
I follow Dr. Joy Browne's rule - you are not datable until a year after the divorce is final no matter why the divorce and how long the separation. I have never been married and will not date anyone divorced less than a year and of course no one separated since separated is the same as "still married."
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 5:43pm
I have learned in life never to say never. I would never do this or I would never do that often come back to bite you in the behind as you get older and learn that under certain circumstances, people can and will do many things they never thought they'd do (not necessarily bad things). There are areas of gray all around, and in every situation. IMO plain old common sense works better than all these rigid relationship rules and regulations. Just my 2¢.

Cheers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:22am
Oh, I have some nevers - I will never date anyone who takes or uses illegal drugs, who has ever been convicted of a crime, who would ever try to force me to have sex when I said no, who was anti-semitic (anti-Jewish), who did not want children. There are some things for which there are no gray areas for me - would I ever date someone whose divorce was final for under a year - I am sure there could be an exception out there - an exception I would be extremely foolish to make from all I've learned and heard but my guess is even if I made an exception I would still advise others not to do the same.

I am sure your never say never approach works fine for you - my approach - recognizing boundaries that I would never cross - works just as well for me.