Tired of feeling invisible

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tired of feeling invisible
15
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:51pm
Hi,

I am a long-time lurker and and a first time poster. I need some advice on a situation I am having with my boyfriend.

We dated for 6 months, then broke up because I felt it was time for titles and he wasn't ready. Feeling that he would never be able to get over his commitment issues since I was still compartmentalized and technically his "friend" after 6 months of dating, I broke it off. We were split up for two months before he came and asked me if we could try again. Since he agreed that it was wrong to call me his "friend" even though we were exclusively dating and that he was ready to take that step with me after having some time apart, I agreed to give it another shot. That was back in the beginning of April. April was great. We were renewed and recommitted.

Then in May, it was almost a complete 180. I saw him a total of 3 times during the month of May even though we live in the same city. Prior to this point I had seen him 1-2 times a week and we talked on the phone almost every day. Last month we were talking on the phone still, but we'd miss 2 or 3 days a week. Our last date was a trip to lunch over two weeks ago, so I have seen him 1 hour over the past 3 weeks. We were supposed to go out of town together next month for a weekend, but he had to cancel that for work. The man is a workoholic. He's a radio producer and the 8 weeks or so before the Spring ratings close (which is in the end of june) are very critical for his success. Even though I have been lonely, I have always been very patient and supportive of his career. He doesn't know how I lonely I have been. I have tried hard to keep him from knowing.

Tonight he had plans to go to a play and a club afterwards with a married friend of his boss'. She cancelled at the last minute so he called me at work this morning to invite me. I begrudgingly accepted, even though I felt his Plan B Girl. I am afraid that I will blow my top tonight as I have grown pretty resentful over the last couple of weeks as this change has been on for over a month now. He doesn't plan dates for us anymore. Any time I hint that I'd like to make plans, he talks about how busy he is. When we have managed to make plans, he's cancelled them to work or go home and sleep. Don't get me wrong, he still says he misses me. But how much?

I feel like he doesn't know what goes on in my life every day and is too busy to care. I feel like I am the last thing on his mind these days. I am afraid that we are going to grow apart if something doens't change. I have never been this lonely in a relationship.

Please help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 4:54pm
Doesnt sound like he is very committed.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 06-04-2004 - 7:24pm
Hello annafromsavannah!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 7:44pm
Thanks, Terry.

The one thing that I don't get is that it was never like this before when we dated and it only started a bit over a month ago. That's why I am so concerned. He's never acted so unattentively before.

Last night was fun. It reminded me of the way things were before, when we both talked and he listened (as opposed to him talking and me listening like lately). I couldn't bring myself to say anything about how I've been feeling, though. I didn't want to kill the mood when everything was going well. I think he knows that I am not happy with the amount of time we've spent together (on the phone and in person), although I've never really spelled it out. He has thanked me for being so understanding. Part of me feels like I shouldn't complain because he has acknowledged that I have made this sacrifice, so I say nothing.

Should I just let the sleeping dog lie, or should I tell him how I've been feeling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 7:56pm
Thanks for the note, Wendie.

Last night went great. I did not mention anything to him about his lack of attention because it was going so well. I am trying to write it off as truly being busy since he has indicated that it happens every year at this time. This is the first spring together, ao I have never experienced.

My thought was that I should just stick it out and keep focused on my day-to-day until this is over, I am just getting so frustrated because I'm not used to this. I guess I am also having some insecurity issues because we did break up once before, and while we were split up he spent a three week stint with someone else. He talked about her on the air, while I have spent 7 months collectively with him and he has never talked about me. I didn't want him to talk about me for a long time, so it didn't bother me. Now it bothers me because supposedly he missed me SOOO much on their dates and spent time comparing the two of us, and yet no one knows I exist. I know the insecurity is my problem and I tell myself that he's back with me, and worked hard to get back with me. Then I feel guilty.

I guess the quesion is, how much of this should I be keeping to myself?

*** edited to note that some of his colleagues know about me, the audience is unaware and if asked on the air, he wouldn't talk about me or us. I understand that there has to be some level of stability for someone in his position to talk about their SO. But because there was this other girl that he did talk about for a couple of weeks (who, to be fair he met ON the show so his colleagues knew both of them) I'm not sure lack of stability is the real reason he wouldn't publicly admit he's dating someone (ME). Does any of this make sense?


Edited 6/5/2004 8:09 pm ET ET by annafromsavannah

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 11:08pm


hi

i was in the same place as you. the guy and me were on and off for a year. then he decided that we should break up. when we were "on" we pretty much just talked on the phone, i only saw him a couple of times. he was always busy with school, work ect...

we final when "off" a few years ago, and because of his girlfriend - at the time, we stopped talking at all, until a year ago, he calls me up. then we start talking everyday but only seeingeach other a couple of times, we were going to try again but things didn't work out, so we are just friends again.

i felt the same way, feeling very lonely and feeling second place. i think you should let hime know what is going one and how you feel about the whole thing.

hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 12:07am
What I'm wondering is: why did he have plans with another woman...if he is too busy with work or too tired from work?

And why do you feel that you can't discuss any of this with him? You don't want to sound like a whiney woman? Or are you afraid that he won't like hearing the truth and it might "scare him away"?

Good r/ships are about good communication. They fulfill your needs...and this one doesn't seem to have either...

I've worked 3 jobs, over 70+ hours a week (yes, a reforming workaholic, I've been working right now and its 9pm on sat night...bf is calling me ;-) and STILL made lunch or coffee dates to hang out with a love interest. Bc if I am THAT interested, I'll make time...even if its just a quick phone call to say "I'm thinking of you"...

It sounds like you are justifying and making excuses for his behaviour. Just bc someone awknowledges what they are doing...doesn't make it "right".

Ultimately, you will have decide what it is you want...and make sure you ask for it. Otherwise, you will continue to be left lonely and fustrated.

Good luck, Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 8:47am
If anything, the fact that he doesn't speak about you on air would mean MORE to me.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 11:23am
Look at it this way... if you let the sleeping dog lie you are certain that it won't change anything no matter how understanding you may be. Understanding doesn't change anything, actions do...

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 1:21pm
He was supposed to escort this woman Friday night as a favor to his boss. It's a long story...

I haven't discussed it because if it really is a temporary thing, then I feel it's important for me to understand he has a tight schedule for right now and go about my own business for the time being. I know there are times when I also have to say that I am too busy for a date on any given week.

I do get the "I'm thinking of you" calls, but it just doesn't seem like enough on some of the days I have had in the last couple of weeks. I feel that since he's doing that, it would seem like I'm ungrateful for me to complain about not seeing him much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Sun, 06-06-2004 - 1:40pm
But this is not the same behavior that led me to end our first attempt. His decrease in attention is a new development.

I have wondered myself if we've already had enough problems because the two that we've had have been significant. Now the first problem is gone and the other he says is temporary. I just don't know... I want to tell him that the skipped phone calls and dates every 2-3 weeks are just not cutting it. How do I say that without losing every brownie point I've gotten by having the easy-going attitude?

If it is temporary and will be gone in a few weeks, so you still think I have a reason to complain?

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