tired of the game....

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
tired of the game....
7
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:21pm
I was dating my boyfriend for 7 months. We're both divorced, w/ children and we were each other's first serious relationship, 2 yrs after our divorces. The relationship was good and a few months into it, he spewed the "L" word. After 7 mths, I freaked and broke up with him. He was shocked & hurt. Two days later, I told him I had been irrational and it was easier for me to run, instead of, deal w/ the concept of "commitment". He decided it was best if we took a break, instead; I was shocked, hurt & devastated. It's been 4 months since our break up and although, there has been no mention of "love" or "getting back together", he has maintained contact. The last 2 mths has entailed weekly forms of communication via email or telephone. What is his motive for maintaining contact with me? All talk has been very general; day-to-day events. His last email, the most monumental, said that he is still reminded of me & our time together & that 7 mths has a left a mark in his life. I don't get it....what's the point of that comment? Why does he keep throwing pebbles and not following through with a decision, a plan...something!! I still love him, but I don't want to get hurt again. I feel like I'm chasing a ghost or worse, waiting for something that's never going to happen. I keep playing the same game -- ya know, the "I can be friends" game, but it's becoming emotionally challenging. I'm tired of this game. Do I severe all ties? Do I ask his intentions? Do I assume he's playing me because he hasn't found anything better?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:25pm
He's staying in contact because he perceives you as his buddy. It doesn't sound like he wants a romantic relationship with you. If this situation is not okay with you then it might be best to move on. Perhaps if you inquired about his intentions he will come clean.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 5:10pm

I agree with Chamey...it sounds like he enjoys having you in his life as a friend but doesn't want it to go any further. That's not inconsistent with his email remembering your time together fondly. I'm not sure why you think he's "playing" you.

If you are not comfortable with being platonic friends, then you need to cut off contact until you get to the point where you are. Why put yourself through the torment? You could let him know that staying in contact with him is too hard right now, so you will contact him when you're ready for friendship, with the caveat that if he changes his mind about getting back together in the meantime, he should contact you.

Alternatively, you can certainly *ask* him if he's interested in getting back together, but be prepared for him to tell you he's not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 3:28pm
Wait a second - weren't you the one who broke up the first place? You need to be honest with yourself and admit that you let your fears and insecurities damage this relationship. If you try to rationalize it and end up blaming him, well then there is no way you will ever reconcile....
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:05pm

You broke up with him because he told you he loved you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:12pm
You're absolutely right, and, I did admit it to myself and to him, as well. We were both very afraid, period. Basically, we always felt like, we & the relationship, were too good to be true. It's sort of like, you touch a hot stove and get burned....next time your'e going to be more careful, right? That's what we were both experiencing...fear to get "burned" again; he expressed the same concerns. I've never blamed him for anything. I'm merely trying to understand what his actions now, mean. I'm finding it emotionally challenging to be "friends" with him b/c I still have feelings for him. So, does he want to reconcile, does he want to be friends, does he simply want (forgive my frankness) sex.....I am simply at a cross road and I don't know how to read his signs.....if there is anything to read at all. I mean, how many men do you know break up with you, but maintain contact? I have to tell, you're the only person I've responded to....thanks for being so upfront!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 4:27pm
WOW! I like it when people aren't afraid to say how they really feel. Let's start off with, I did tell him I loved him and I still do -- him saying he loved me, didn't make me run, fear did. Unfortunately, my divorce left me tainted and to say the least (after this relationship), I went back to therapy b/c I realized I had commitment issues. All I can say is, fear will make you stupid. At this point, I'm willing to go through the friendship phase, as I'm confident he is, in fact, quite leery. He's big into "time lines" and until the amount of time has passed, that he has designated to this situation, he will not make a move. I, too, have set a "time line" for myself.....sometimes, enough is enough, and it's time to let go. You're right, I could ask him and eventually I will. For the past 4 mths, I've been convinced that I'd give my right arm to see him, and yet, that desire is starting to fade....all the more reason for ME to figure out what I WANT! Thanks for all you had to say......you and my sister, are 2 peas in a pod!! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-19-2006 - 6:22pm

Well, I hope your sister isn't "offended" by the comparison (smile).

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