Together a year & had another girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Together a year & had another girlfriend
5
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:36am
I had been datig this guy for 11 months. Everything seemed perfect. We were very happy and everyone thought that we were the perfect couple. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to marry me. I never had a reason to think that he was cheating on me; then two days ago, he told me he was at his grandma's house and as I was driving home I saw his truck at a restaurant, so I stopped and went in. There he was sitting with another girl and her daughter. He made me go outside and told me that it wasn't what I thought it was and for me to go home and we would talk about it later. I said no, I wanted to know who she was. Then, she comes out and proceeds to tell me that they have been dating for 6 months.

I don't understand how somebody could carry on a double life like that and we both live in the same area of town. Now, he is trying to make me feel like this is all my fault. He swears that i have cheated on him during our relationship, which I never did. I loved him so incredibly much and would have done anything for him. I just don't understand how somebody could sit there and act like everything is ok and tell me he loves me then turn around and go to her and tell her god knows what. His family didn't even know. It was like he had one girlfriend that he could take home to his family and another that nobody knew about.

I am so hurt and I try not to talk to him, but it is so hard because he was such a huge part of my life. I still love him and I just want an explanation of why he did this to me. It kills me that he is sitting her trying to make me feel like this is all my fault when I was the one who caught him cheating and he is the one who lied for 6 months straight about what he was doing and who he was spending time with. I am so hurt and I just don't know how to deal with this.

Please help me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:48am
I can understand your hurt and anguish. Been there done that. Projecting onto you is the work of a real loser. My ex-husband did the same thing, he was cheating on me and bragging to all his friends and when one of his friends confirmed it for me he said I must be screwing his friend. I told him project much.

You are the better person, walk away from this man, he didn’t just have a one night stand with someone, he carried on an affair for 6 months and included a child into it. If that doesn’t scream SLIMEBALL I don’t know what does.

Know that you are the better person. Don’t wait for answers from him, walk away from this guy and give yourself closure.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:11am
Oh, goodness, I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. What an awful thing to find out! I wasn't involved for as long with my ex who lied to me about not seeing other women, but it sure hurt when I found out, so I can empathize with what you're going through.

You are having trouble understanding his actions because you would never do that in a million years. But he is not you...he is a liar and a cheater, and that is what they do: lie and cheat.

Probably what was hardest for me to accept was that I'd been so deceived as to my ex's character. A book that really helped me in that regard was "When Your Lover is a Liar" by Susan Forward.

It takes three things to get over someone: time, no contact and acceptance that it's over and that the two of you aren't right for each other. Right now, you should focus on not contacting him at all, and on the fact that he *can't* be right for you, because you want an honest man (right?). Once you are able to string together a month or so of no contact, things will get better. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it really does help.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:26pm
Hi, I know exactly how you feel...I've been throught that, and yes, everytime WAS my fault. If he ever went to a movie or dinner with some other girl, was my fault for not having time for him that night...If he ever fooled around with someone else, of course, was my fault for not taking time to go out with him. And every time I cried my eyes out, and everytime I promissed him that I'll be there anytime he needed me. But yet, when I needed him, 5 out of 10, he was out with someone else. His explanation? This is gonna shock some of yous: "I need to keep them happy and around for the times you can't make it".
yet, just like your situation, I still loved him, still took him back, because I couldn't break away...mind you, we work together.
YEs, you feel hurt and betrayed, your brains tell you to leave, but is the heart who seems to take control over you. ANd you'd think that the older you get (I'm 29) the more mature you are and more control you have over your emotions...Yah right, it doesn't work that way.
While you may be in need for answers from him, don't forget...he will either turn the table around, OR he will give you a lame explanation, just because he will never admit he is wrong. Best of luck, Irina
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 6:23pm

Hi,

I agree with the other posters 100%. I think you should walk away from this jerk. If you forgive him he WILL do it again, maybe not for a while but when he thinks your guard is down he will do it again, believe me. I had that happen to me by my husband (now ex)and the first time he promised he would never do it again and I believed him especially since he knew what I went through and I thought he couldn't possibly want to see me hurt like that again... wrong. When he did it again I regretted so much not having left him years before because I may have been well over him by then instead of going through the pain all over again. I know it's hard but you need to kick him to the curb, he does not deserve you. Show him he can't get away with it. Because you love him he's capable of hurting you again, because you love him you need to walk away. As with the others, I am truly sorry for your pain. Lucy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 7:10pm

I had this happen to me about 3 years ago. I was dating a guy for a year and a half and he was cheating in a voracious capacity. It wasn't one woman, it was many that he was picking up on the internet. He'd start these odd, pointless fights with me early on Friday evenings, storm out of my apartment, head home and have a weekend of passion with his girlfriend of the month. Or he'd tell me he was driving down to visit his parents for the weekend or he was too depressed to see me right now (he'd appear on Monday with a tan...uh doi...how dumb could I get?)

Who knows what lurks in the minds of these lost souls. They aren't always evil, just lost and weak. It's taken me awhile to heal, but heal I've done, and I'm dating a wonderful man whom I trust very much now. He reassures me all the time because of what I went through with the last clown. You can trust again, you just have to trust yourself.

My advice, don't date for awhile. Do some soul searching. I was in a medical fellowship when this happened, so I wasn't making much money, so I couldn't shop to ease the pain. I went to the library all the time and checked out self help books and read them cover to cover. But the best thing I did was lurk (and eventually post) on the Ivillage betrayed spouses support message board. Those ladies (and men) are just so dang wise. It was the best therapy I've ever had and they don't mind hearing from someone who wasn't married. The pain of betrayal is still pain.

I don't go on there anymore, and I should because I've survived the most awful of heinous experiences and have healed, and so much of it was because of them.

You'll be fine. Don't you dare go back. Let him figure out what he missed. (and remember, you are not that forgetable!!!) When I moved away from my ex (we'd been broken up for 6 months after I figured out about the cheating), he was in mourning. I arrived at my new job three states away to 3 dozen red roses (my coworkers were quite intrigued). I had no intention of calling him and thanking him. They went to a sick patient instead.

Take care. Fake it till you make it and be ultra good to yourself!

Chickpee