Too Cautious????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Too Cautious????
8
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:58pm
Hello!

I need some feedback on this situation and I truly appreciate it very much. I met a guy on the bus around 2 1/2 weeks ago. He approached me and we talked. After which, we talked on the phone daily sometimes 3-4 times a day. A date was then set for this weekend. We arranged to meet. I got dressed and waited for his call, yet no call came. I was pissed!

He then called the next day, yet I let the call go into voicemail and have been doing so thus far. I felt I made a mistake talking to him too much, leaving myself available all the time. He saw me every nite since we take the bus at the same time.

Now, in addition to not being available, I have altered the routine of catching the bus by taking a later ride. I was out of relationship over 2 years ago and the man I was with did the same thing and then some. At the time I was so in luv until I kept forgiving him to no avail, he left me.

I made a promise to myself to not ever love a man more than me. After much healing I truly put myself first. I figured if a guy pulls a stunt even miniscule as standing a woman up for a date or not giving a courtesy call and I put up with it, he'll do other things.

Right now, I just do not care to talk to him and not even buying into explanations.

Help!




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:11pm
What do you need help with? It sounds like he stood you up for no good reason (I'll assume he didn't leave a good reason on the voice mail since you didn't mention one) and you decided not to see him anymore. Sounds like a good decision to me. It doesn't sound like you are second guessing yourself, you are sure of your decision. I'm not sure what the problem is then.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:14pm
Did he leave a message? Personally I would talk to him and see what his explanation is. You don't know what happened, you are just assuming that he chose to stand you up. True, most likely that IS what happened, but it could be something else - he could have been in an accident, had a relative/friend in the hospital, etc. Give him a chance to explain, and if he doesn't have a really good explanation, THEN say buh-bye.

You are right that YOU set the parameters of what behavior you will tolerate, btw. But get the whole story first, and if he gives you some lame excuse - which he probably will - then tell him that you think he was rude and you are not interested in seeing him again. Don't punish him for what your ex did by not even giving him a chance to explain.

Btw, are you seriously going to work late just so you don't have to see him? That could be putting your job in jeopardy. I'd be careful with that. Wouldn't it just be easier to talk with him and get it out in the open, and keep taking your regular bus?


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:15pm
Thanks for your reply! I just basically wanted support because after being so scarred in the past, I am now getting the support I truly needed in the past. Again thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:22pm
Thanks for your reply! I saw him at his house on the porch in full health while I was riding the bus to where he was going to meet me on the day he was suppose to meet me, having a good time. I catch the bus at nite from work at the same time he does, that is why I am taking another time route than to deal with him. I am never late for work. Thanks for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:46pm
I'm a little confused - in your first post you said he was supposed to call and didn't - not that he didn't show up where you were supposed to meet. In any event . . .

I think that you put up with a lot of crap from your ex. You never confronted him about it, just tolerated it, and you are angry about it. So now this guy who you barely know doesn't call, and you don't even ask what happened when he calls, you just ignore his call. I think that it would be healthy for you to pick up when he calls and confront him. Ask what happened. What harm is there in that? Rather than just assuming that he stood you up b/c he's a jerk.

Btw, I think you have learned a valuable lesson about not being too available . . . good luck! :)


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:53pm
Agreed, I tolerated alot from my ex and confronted him to no avail. The guy I was seeing was suppose to meet me and did not yet while I was enroute to the meeting place I saw him at his house. He did not see me. While I was waiting for him, he did not call to say he was coming or anything. I waited and then went home.

I just rather not talk to him now because I just too angry to do so. His behavior only triggered something in me and I do not care to confront him. Maybe I will talk to him later this week, not now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:54pm
I don't think standing you up without a subsequent, sincere apology AND explanation with a very good reason (which he could have done in his voicemail message) is a minor transgression. But I personally wouldn't alter my transportation route to avoid him. He's in the wrong and I'd take my normal route and watch him squirm in his discomfort - then maybe he'd alter HIS route. In my opinion, you're absolutely right to break off his acquaintence.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:01pm
Thanks for your reply! He left 2 voicemails and I have not checked them yet and still he could have called on the day of the date instead of leaving me hanging like that. So at this time I won't respond to him, that will make him squirm! (smile)