Torn between my feelings and my future
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Torn between my feelings and my future
| Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:19pm |
Hello to all,
to some of you who have read my past postings, you may have already know that i have been dating a guy for a year, who i know that is going nowhere. He doesn't want to talk about our future, his feeling for me, he says he likes me, but i don't think he loves me. He chooses his friends over me, and the sad part of this situation is that i think i have fallen in love with him, and i did in the back of my mind wanted to make this work, i wanted him to fall for me too and us to be together,etc. He has taken me for granted and i has not spend as much time with me as i would like. He is 3 years younger than me, and i don't think he is serious about living together having kids,ect... This last week for example i didn't not see him, he was with his friend instead of being with me. So i decided to do the same and went out with my friend too. The other side of this story is that, i met someone that night, and he seems like what i am really looking for in this time of my life. I was married before, i have two kids, and i have been single for two years now, and i want someone who's serious about life too, and wants a serious commitment. This guys is 5 years older than me, and so far is been saying and treating totally opposite of the other guy. He's been calling me everyday. So,I took a chance on Sunday and accepted his invitation for dinner. When we met we offer me a red rose. He says he wants to take care of me, and where have i been all his life, ect. We have the same cultural background, and alot in common. I feel so overwelmed with this all situation, i don't know what to do, because i know in my heart that i love guy number one, but i know, that that relationship is not going nowhere and that i deserve better. I feel torn..any advise, would be so appreciated.
to some of you who have read my past postings, you may have already know that i have been dating a guy for a year, who i know that is going nowhere. He doesn't want to talk about our future, his feeling for me, he says he likes me, but i don't think he loves me. He chooses his friends over me, and the sad part of this situation is that i think i have fallen in love with him, and i did in the back of my mind wanted to make this work, i wanted him to fall for me too and us to be together,etc. He has taken me for granted and i has not spend as much time with me as i would like. He is 3 years younger than me, and i don't think he is serious about living together having kids,ect... This last week for example i didn't not see him, he was with his friend instead of being with me. So i decided to do the same and went out with my friend too. The other side of this story is that, i met someone that night, and he seems like what i am really looking for in this time of my life. I was married before, i have two kids, and i have been single for two years now, and i want someone who's serious about life too, and wants a serious commitment. This guys is 5 years older than me, and so far is been saying and treating totally opposite of the other guy. He's been calling me everyday. So,I took a chance on Sunday and accepted his invitation for dinner. When we met we offer me a red rose. He says he wants to take care of me, and where have i been all his life, ect. We have the same cultural background, and alot in common. I feel so overwelmed with this all situation, i don't know what to do, because i know in my heart that i love guy number one, but i know, that that relationship is not going nowhere and that i deserve better. I feel torn..any advise, would be so appreciated.

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My advice would be to break up with the first guy because you're not going to get what you want from him. Then tell the 2nd guy that you'll call him in a few months because you need some time to get over your relationship.
I think if you go right from one relationship to the other, that will be a recipe for disaster. Plus it seems like guy #2 wants to go too fast, so you need to slow the pace way down, even if you don't take a break.
Sheri
You did the right thing, although I know it's painful. Now take some time and mourn this relationship (maybe even see a counselor to figure out why you stayed so long?) before you jump into things with the other guy.
Sheri
I think the advice I gave you previously in this thread still stands. Guy #1 has made it clear he's not interested in a serious relationship with you, and it's too soon for you to get involved with guy #2 and you should be upfront with him about that.
I'm sorry you're going through a tough time--breakups are never easy and rebounding is not the solution.
Sheri
you are in teh 'in between' place - where you know you can't go back but aren't ready to move forward yet. You are in the 'waiting room' so to speak.
Guy 1 wants what he wants regardless of how that affects you. Since you want something more with him than he is wiling to give, you can't go back to that (not without severely damaging your self love and self esteem. He is not willing to be just friends either as evidenced by his refusal of that kind of interaction with you: Either come over on my terms or don't come over at all. That is not a good feeling but that is the reality.
Guy 2 called 30 times??!!?? OK - I had someone recently get a little too much too soon with me - not even that excessive - and that really put me off. A secure guy who wants you to truly be happy will not PRESSURE you to do what you aren't sure you want to do. He'll respect your request and give you what you need. He won't make it aobut him. He'll understand that you aren't emotionally ready to go there. And he won't try to guilt you, push you or otherwise pressure you. He'll want you to be comfortable with the pace - because he wants you to know he's for real. This is pressure. This is desperation. This is a turnoff. Given that you had been open about your neeed to go slow and he didn't hear you, this is probably a good thing. This guy is not what you need now. He is showing you that its not about your ultimate happiness but his need to put you into his mental relationship picture. he is the kind that you run from - this is not healthy. Anyone who pushes another to do something is looking after their own interests and agenda. Itsnot because he 'loves' you.
Hon, its ok to sit in the 'waiting room' for a little while until you collect yourself, grieve and feel stronger. But the waiting room is not meant to live in. Many try to and it obviously keeps them in pain.
I strongly urge you to take yourself out of the dating arena until you are emotionally stronger - and not simply trying to avoid feeling bad from your breakup. Until you do this, you are not a good partner choice for a GOOD guy -but you are a moving target for the emotionally damaged ones - or the sharks who smell blood.
Your confusion will disappear when you accept WHAT IS with each of these men - they aren't right for you - and focus your attention on what matters most to you in a relationship. When you maintain your eyes on what matters most - what you must have and will nottolerate - you will be able to see more clearly and earlier on those that do not fit within those parameters. Its ok to be sad that someone you loved doesn't return those feelings - but each relationship teaches us somethign. Learn teh lesson and leave it behind - and get out of the waiting room.
hugs
Toni
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