Torn between my feelings and my future

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Torn between my feelings and my future
18
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 12:19pm
Hello to all,
to some of you who have read my past postings, you may have already know that i have been dating a guy for a year, who i know that is going nowhere. He doesn't want to talk about our future, his feeling for me, he says he likes me, but i don't think he loves me. He chooses his friends over me, and the sad part of this situation is that i think i have fallen in love with him, and i did in the back of my mind wanted to make this work, i wanted him to fall for me too and us to be together,etc. He has taken me for granted and i has not spend as much time with me as i would like. He is 3 years younger than me, and i don't think he is serious about living together having kids,ect... This last week for example i didn't not see him, he was with his friend instead of being with me. So i decided to do the same and went out with my friend too. The other side of this story is that, i met someone that night, and he seems like what i am really looking for in this time of my life. I was married before, i have two kids, and i have been single for two years now, and i want someone who's serious about life too, and wants a serious commitment. This guys is 5 years older than me, and so far is been saying and treating totally opposite of the other guy. He's been calling me everyday. So,I took a chance on Sunday and accepted his invitation for dinner. When we met we offer me a red rose. He says he wants to take care of me, and where have i been all his life, ect. We have the same cultural background, and alot in common. I feel so overwelmed with this all situation, i don't know what to do, because i know in my heart that i love guy number one, but i know, that that relationship is not going nowhere and that i deserve better. I feel torn..any advise, would be so appreciated.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:48am
Yes sounds like guy #2 is a stalker so he needs to go LOL and as for guy #1 if he is going to continue to use you for sex and want nothing more and you want more tell him that you will be supportive of him while his mom has cancer but at same time good for you for sticking to your beliefs and not let him use you for sex anymore

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 9:52am
mmm...guy #2 got the idea, and he left me a message stating how sorry he was for bugging me so much with the calls, etc, and apologized over and over, and told that he understood my feelings, and was going to give me my space, until i felt ready, that he will not call me again until i do... As for guy #1, he called me yesterday, as if we're still together, just small talk, and asked me to come over, i said no, that i just need to be home and think about my life...(sigh...)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 10:58am

Tell guy 1 to not call you unless he is willing to be the kind of guy in relationship you want. YOu have the responsibility to do this - he will continue to call until he wears you down. Telling him to not call you is leaving yourself open to continued hurt and confusion. He isn't a good guy looking out for your beest interests.

Hon, until you tell him to not contact you, you will continue to feel torn. Do what is best for you - cut this guy off. He isn't interested in what you want. But he will take what you give and not care how it affects you.

YOu have control of your present and future - do what is necessary to bring peace into your life. Continued contact with guy 1 only continues turmoil. Time to remove your hand from the fire.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 3:03pm

I'm glad guy #2 finally backed off. But if I were you, I would never call him again - when I'm ready to date again or not. He did this 30 calls in one night business once and that is likely how he is going to react in the future. You want NO part of that. Be grateful that he said he wouldn't call you again until you called him.

And I agree with Toni about guy #1. Tell him flat out to stop calling you. Tell him that you do care about him but that he cannot and will not provide you the kind of relationship that you want and that you've done a year doing things how HE wanted. So now it's time to focus on finding the man and the relationship that YOU are looking for. I know you care about him and that leaving him now seems hard especially with his mother, but you need to look out for you. He is not going to give you want you want and need now or probably ever. Move on with your life. Get yourself in order and I'm sure you'll soon realize how wrong this guy was for you and how you can live without him. Tehn you'll be ready to date again.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 1:34pm

I been through just about the same situation.

But it took me 13 years to move on.

I was also in a relationship (involvement)since 1993, he never wanted anything more then a non committal relationship. The only committment he was willing to give was that I saw him every Saturday night.We broke up after dating two years because of his lack of wanting a real relationship, but I took him back because I also loved him and thought things would change, they never did.

Believe me don't waste your time, think of all the things he doesn't want to give to the relationship, namely him and move on. Since you still have these feelings for him, cut all contact, get him out of your life.

As for guy #2 he was moving much too fast and it is good that he understands that things need to be slowed down.

All I can say is I've been there and believe me it ain't going to get any better it will only get worse. My situation did get worse. When I asked for changes, after 13 years I wanted more, he told me "we have a good thing" I was tired of being his good thing. We started having more "conflicts" which were good, he ended up walking out, but I was sooooo done with him when he did. Lots of luck, get over him, you deserve more than he is giving, guy #1 is not going to change.

Andrea

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2002
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:20pm
Just an update...Last Friday, i think i finally cut loose from guy #1. I told him simple that when he was ready to have a relationship with me to call me. He hasn't till today, i guess he moved on quickly after one year relationship.. I tried giving guy #2 a chance this week-end...but..it's not working for me, he's getting way too involved too fast and i can't handle it right now, my mind and my heart is somewhere else. I just told him on the phone that i was not ready for a relationship right now, that i was just fresh from another one, and i still had feelings for the first guy. He was upset, and wanted to make it work, even if i felt that way, but i told him that i just can't right now, i can't give him 100%. I'm alone now, and hurting and also hurting other people in the process.. not to mention how much i miss guy number one. I think that i can't even get him back now if i tried...It's really hard to stay away and have no contact with him, but i feel if i try to be with him, he will reject me...The worst part is that i did fall in love with him, and i wish i was in his arms right now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:34am

Hon, as long as you wish for something that isn't meant for you, something that isn't working for you and something that causes you to sacrifice your self for, then you will remain misserable.

REFRAME your thought process and you will be able to let him go with dignity and grace:

Focus in what you truly want - mutual love, respect and admiration. YOu are focusing on a PERSON and projecting these things onto him being the source. As long as you do this, you will be miserable. When you RESIST reality, you have confusion and conflict. When you embrace it and focus on things tht make you feel truly happy - like being with a man who shares your feelings (not guy #2 at all) but loves you as you love him - things that are part of your long term happiness, you move towards them.

Hon, what ever you focus on is what you draw to you - you are focusing on what you lack - Guy 1 - but you aren't accepting that he isn't meant for you. What is meant for you will never be taken away from you. When you change your focus to HAVING love (not loving a specific person) you will draw it to you.

YOu knnow you want more - focus on what you want and intend to have - not what you don't want and isn't meant fo ryou.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:01pm

It definitely sounds like your boyfriend isn't relationship material - you do deserve better - and meeting the 2nd guy can perhaps help you reaffirm that.

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