torn between two....,.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
torn between two....,.
8
Fri, 11-23-2007 - 7:29pm

I am in a very tough situation.
I have been dating a very, kind, sweet man for two months.
Several days ago the man I was with prior to the current man contacted me. He was the love of my life. We broke up because he was so messed up and confused about a prior relationship and is telling me he thinks he is ready to commit to me, and he loves me very much. He says he has to get out of the house where they had so many memories (In a few weeks). He says to give him that time. He cried when he found out I was sleeping with someone and said that it broke his heart. He wants me to stop having sex with this guy while he gets through these last few weeks.

I have very strong feelings for the new man, but the feelings cannot compete with the ones for my exboyfriend.

He knows that he really has no right to ask that of me. I feel like I want to abide by his wishes. I feel like I want to tell my new friend the
truth that I am very confused, because my ex has contacted me. I just don't know how to handle this. I think he may have fallen in love with me, and he has been so unlucky in love. I don't want to lose Mr. New if Mr. Old does not come through. I don't want to hurt either of them. At least I want to cause as little pain as possible.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 7:12pm
Before you make any moves or commitments to your ex, make sure he honors his promises.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 8:39pm

After reading your situation, it is very similar to my current situation. My ex and I broke up at the beginning on June and all through the summer we had been talking and I thought we were working things out. But little did I know, he was pursuing a girl he had been friends with for years and had had a crush on ever since they met. It ended up that he didn't want to lose me and was still in love with me, but had this big crush on her and wanted to pursue things with her. So, when I was out with a girlfriend in September, (yes, things with my ex dragged out till this point) I ended up talking to a guy and he asked for my number at the end of the night. I was in no position to be picking up guys and this guy just came at the right time I guess. The new guy and I ended up going on our first date the following night and took a liking to him and the idea of moving on.

It ended up that the new guy and I hit it off quite well and continued to date. I kept in contact with my ex, as he found a way to always come back to me, even after we agreed not to contact each other anymore. My ex came to the point where he missed me and loved me and no other girl compared to me. He went to a dating site and went on dates with a few girls, because I had moved on, but he told me that they just weren't me. He continued to tell me how much I meant to him and how I was the perfect girl for him, but he didn't realize it when we were still together. A week ago, I found out that he was dating that chick he had the crush on for so many years, but he told me that things with her weren't going to last and she wasn't the person she was back when they first met.

Needless to say, my ex has come around and realized that he wants me in his life and he wants to be with me, yet it took me finding a new guy for him to realize this. I explained to him that all summer I was trying to convince him not to give up on us, but it didn't stop him. He has told me that I need to continue pursuing things with the new guy to see what happens and I plan on doing just that. My opinion on the whole situation is that I tried for months to convince him not to give up on us, but it did not stop him from pursuing the other girl. Now, I have decided to cut off contact with my ex and see where things go with the new guy. I don't see it being worthwhile to give up on a new relationship and the possibilities of things working out with him and having a successful relationship. I know that my ex and I had problems in our relationship, which is why we broke up. I cannot trust that things will be better if I leave the new guy and go back to my ex and I do not want to take that risk. I figure that if things do not work out with the new guy, then maybe I will contact my ex and see where things go from there.

So, to sum things up, I think you should continue seeing the new guy and don't give up the new relationship to go back to what is comfortable for you. I am having troubles not going back to my ex because of the history we have together and the comfort I feel with him, but I do not want to give up on my fresh start in my new relationship. Good luck in your decision. Just think about yourself and your happiness first!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 10:06pm

You can be sure I have to feel positive about my ex's feelings, before I "choose" him. I talked to him again tonight and he was so wonderful. He says he feels like when we first met, almost giddy. We never had any problems in our relationship except him trying to get over his messing up his previous one. I know he is being honest. But sometimes people are confused about their feelings and he has to feel like this for several weeks at least. Finding out I had someone definitely jumped started his feelings. He says he realized that he could lose someone very special.

I feel like I must prepare this dear, sweet new guy. I will be dishonest if I don't say anything. It kills me to think of hurting him. I think I will tell him that "My old boyfriend called me and wants to see me again. It stirred up a lot of feelings in me
and I am very confused. I have strong feelings for you, but I loved him once and I don't know what to do. Are you willing to stay by me, while I think this through? I will not be seeing him."

scrsnwbrdr: I think you are doing the right thing in your situation. I wish you lots of luck. It's just that I think we have a very good chance, if his feelings really are true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Sat, 11-24-2007 - 11:01pm

I found your story interesting because many people find themselves in your situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Sun, 11-25-2007 - 10:26am

Oh my goodness Snafu2007:


You hit the nail exactly on the head...


Scrsnwbrdr:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2006
Mon, 11-26-2007 - 9:08pm

Kris,


I tried to email you back but it keeps failing. Let me know if you got it.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 8:58am

Update:

I am back with my ex-boyfriend. He has been wonderful, telling me all the things I need to hear.

The new boyfriend, a wonderful man, whom I was starting to fall in love with, has taken it hard. I feel terribly guilty, and I do miss him.

In this situation you can only do the best you can and listen to your heart. Sure, I am scared to death that I may have made a wrong decision. We all want the storybook ending.

I hope 2008 will finally be the year I have been waiting for and for all of you too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Thu, 12-06-2007 - 1:38pm

I understand about having feeling for an ex, but why in the world would you give up a great guy that you have strong feelings for, to take back an ex who "thinks" he can commit? Also, would you be breaking up with the new guy if the ex was not back in the picture, if not, that should tell you something right there.

If the ex needs a few weeks to get out of his house or whatever, tell him to give you a call when he really has his sh*t together and then you can talk. I wouldn't put my life on hold so he can figure out what he wants.

Not knowing why the two of you broke up, puts me at a disadvantage when assessing your situation, but if you guys ended things because he couldn't get married, nothing short of him showing up on my doorstep with a ring would make me take him back. However, no matter what it was that caused the break up, he should have a clear plan of how that is going to change if you two are together. If he can't do the thing to commit that caused you breakup (ie getting engaged, not dating other people or whatever it was) then you shouldn't even entertain the idea of allowing him back in.